Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Sky, I really appreciate the support. I believe I read your original comments and while our situations are somewhat different, I could really relate to your account with your ex. I would never go so far as to say that all adults brought up as only children behave the same way, but it was interesting to read about your experience. Thanks for that.

Hello. I thought I would provide an update to my situation to all who were so kind to respond earlier.

It has been a very up-and-down couple of weeks since this all started. I have had moments where I thought everything was going to be OK, then moments where I couldn't pretend like everything was normal anymore. I don't need to waste all of your time describing every up and down, just that it's been wild swings.

The bottom line is this: My wife's desire is to keep us together while she pursues this relationship. She has not given up on it and is not willing to. She has told me that she wants the option of turning their relationship physical when she sees him. She wants me to accept that.

At one point I told her that I would accept their relationship and her desire to continue exploring these feelings she has for him if it remained only email/phone contact and if they did not pursue any physical contact. With her recent disclosure that she wants to be able to act on the physical side of the relationship if that arises, we realized that we are at an impasse that can't be bridged between the two of us. So we have decided to separate. She will be moving out of the house sometime in the coming weeks.

We are planning on telling the kids later today. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but also realize that we can't continue down this path of pretending nothing is wrong. They are going to figure it out eventually.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this.

I've thought of you many times, and wondered how things were going.

It sounds hellish. I'm so sorry.

The good thing is, she seems to be being honest with you now. That gives you a firm footing and chance to balance. At least you won't be chasing shadows for the next few years, confused and suspicious.

Sounds like a logical outcome mapman.
How do you feel now? Now that a choice was made and gears are in motion...

She is being honest, and through the mixed messages I've gotten from her the past week or so, one thing remains consistent: she does not want to give up on her other relationship.

How I feel now is still pretty raw. I think the only way to put myself back together is for us to be apart. It really makes the most sense, and it's the one thing I'm holding on to now that feels like an answer to the pain. I know that I'll continue to have a range of emotions and I'm allowing myself the freedom to let out whatever I feel needs to be released, but as long as she's still in the home I will have that constant reminder of what life used to be like before this event. And I don't think that's good for me right now.

Purple, you are right--it is pretty hellish. But I know I'm going to be OK.

Thanks again for providing support.

Keep talking to us here. We've almost all been in a similar situation.

Mapman, I am very sorry to hear the news. Like Purple said, at least she's being upfront about it now and you now have the choice, which you have made. I can only imagine how that must feel and what it must be like for you right now.

Yes, keep posting as you need to. I have found PC to be very healing for me through my own breakup, which was not a marriage but an engagement.

Thinking of you ...

Hey Map, you have a lot of courage for putting your foot down. I was in a relationship where my significant other tried to cage me despite her ill behaviors. It was difficult to get out of.

I've said this in other posts, and I'll say it again; what goes around will come around. Being in the right will prevail, and you were in the right. There is strength in living your life doing the right thing.

I was not suggesting you all of a sudden change and woo her. I was actually wondering what kind of relationship you did have with her.

Interesting that she was an only child, I am wondering as I take a peek at some of your other posts if your wife grew up where a lot of things, including decisions were made "for" her. Maybe what she wanted sexually is for the man to be in charge and responsible for satisfying her too. You mentioned that she did not seem interested, well, I bet she did not know HOW to be interested and she may not have orgasm-ed either. Truth is a lot of couples have to LEARN how to satisfy each other and a lot of men end up only satisfying themselves and the woman just fakes it because she doesn't know "how" to orgasm with a partner. It sounds to me like in your marriage you both took care of yourselves sexually and did not figure out how to do it "together", that happens more than people are willing to admit.

Also, women getting close to age fifty, even women who have gone through the change of life, can "change" some women actually go through a phase where they want "more" of something and not really quite know what that "something" is. It sounds to me like this man she knew in her past is stoking her ego and she likes the attention.

Before you decide to dig your heals into "she is cheating on me and I should be devastated", consider this an opportunity to evaluate the relationship you have had, do have and if this is a wake up call where you can add "quality" to it or if maybe you are in a relationship that is not gratifying for either of you. After all, what DO you do together that bonds you?

Well, I have to apologize because I just now noticed that you both decided to separate.
This is a time for you to reflect on what you had in your relationship and what you may have needed for HER that you did not get.

You may find a woman that ends up filling YOUR unmet needs. Maybe it's time for YOU to do some exploring yourself. I know someone that was very unhappy and divorced and he ended up meeting someone that he has been VERY happy with that appreciates him in ways his ex wife never did.

All food for thought, Open Eyes. I’m never going to take responsibility for her betrayal, but I recognize that if I don’t learn from this experience I will be the worse for it.

And yes, this may be an opportunity for both of us to be with others that are a better match for us. Complacency and assumptions in a relationship instead of communication are never good.

Hi All. Just a quick update for those of you interested. And for anyone in the future who might come across this thread and take even a grain of comfort in what I've gone through.

Today, 11/27, marks exactly 3 weeks since I found out about my wife's affair. It has been a difficult 3 weeks for me. I thought it would get easier but it just seems like it has gotten harder. Part of the reason for that is because my sleep has been completely messed up, with me waking up in the middle of the night spending hours obsessively thinking about everything. Mostly what I think about are two questions: 1) what is it about him that is so much better than me?, and 2) what does the future hold for me and our kids?. Lack of sleep can really mess with the mind.

In the beginning, she made it clear that her Vipassana meditation practice "guided" (I know that's not the right word) her to pursue this other relationship. Finally, just last night I wondered what Vipassana, or the Buddha, or the universe would think about her betrayal, so I Googled it and found this information (Sila | Vipassana Meditation):

It goes on to say the following:

She used Vipassana as a reason why she pursued this relationship. Clearly sila is a foundational idea in Vipassana meditation. It is very clear to me now that she 100% used the meditation practice as an excuse for her affair, because the relationship violated one of the practice's basic rules.

We have an appointment with a therapist today, so we will see where that takes us. She has secured an apartment to move into and just has to pick a move-in date. I know that time and distance are what are going to be needed for me to get through this and move on. I also woke up this morning thinking that maybe I can look at the 19 1/2 years of our marriage before her infidelity as really great, but that it is time for us to part ways. I wasn't ready and still feel that it is unfair that she got to pick the date and circumstances of our split, but I am ready to start viewing this all in a different, better way. But I'm also not putting pressure on myself.

We are in your metaphorical corner mapman!
Thanks for the update.
You are keeping the house then? What arrangement do you guys have for the kids?

Yeah, Reptile, she is the one moving out. I made that very clear from the beginning. We've only had casual discussions about the kids, but I think we would settle on a 50-50 split, kind of like a "half the week with me, half the week with her and every other weekend" type of thing. That's something we need to decide as we move forward.

She's a good mom and I'd never want to keep the kids away from her unless I thought she was behaving in a way that would harm our sons. At this point I don't see that happening, but... well... hindsight, right? I need to be vigilant.

Wow, I just read through the whole thread, Mapman, and I am so sorry this woman is putting you through this. You do not deserve to treated like this. I don't know that therapy will help you two reconcile, considering she has said she wants a sexual relationship with this guy. You should not have to settle for a woman who you can't trust and uses you like she has used you.

And I agree, that Vipissana excuse is crap. If she felt like she was being "guided" to explore that relationship, she should have told you before she did it. But no, she did it in secret.

The whole situation sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Seesaw

Thanks for the kind words, seesaw. Just another story, if I may: 3 days ago I reminded her that a few days into this whole thing I told her that I would be open to her "going through this" if she promised to keep it to emails and calls and no physical contact. At that early time in this hell she said that she couldn't rule out the physical contact. When I brought that up 3 days ago she said that she would be willing to try that.

I said that it's too late.

I think you should take that back. You don't deserve to be the third wheel in an emotional.affair she is having. If she can't even talk to you about her needs and her first reaction is to have an affair...she really can't be trusted.

Right, and even if it is over with him this time, what's to say she won't get bored and get another message during meditation that it's time to strike it back up with him?

The other day I said to her, "So what you have with him is superior to what you have with me on both an emotional and sexual level?" Her response was that she didn't like the word "superior," so I asked her to rephrase it. She said something like, "What I have with him is deeper on an emotional and sexual level."

She has had clarity all along. She does not want to give up this relationship, and only when threatened with having to move out of the home does she become even slightly conciliatory.

But again, she has known him for longer than she's known me. The emotional connection with him existed before she knew me. It existed during the entire time we've been married, even though she didn't act on it. And it will exist after we split up. I may be simple, and unspiritual, and shallow, but I recognize reality when I see it.

I'm going through something pretty similar to this currently. It has only gotten worse since day one. My wife has tried to stop everything with the other person but she keeps having contact because she says she is addicted and she cant explain it. It is pure selfishness and not being able to be happy with what you have. Everyone has told my wife that she has it made and everything seems perfect for her, but she always wants more. I do not think your wife will actually stop. I feel like I've tried everything with my wife, but she is not willing to put forth the effort to get the other person out of her life. My wife did the same when divorce was brought up and her moving out was brought up, she started pulling me back in by telling me she would try...then a few days later more contact.
Obviously it could be different for you, but I dont think she will realize it until she goes and does it, then she will realize what she left and that what she left it for is not actually better or what she thought it was. That is where I am at right now. It sucks to know there is still part of me thats would give her a chance, but I'm just hoping that fades before she hits rock bottom and realizes she had what she wanted all along.

Wow. What's sad is that that shouldn't be true. She has two kids with you. She has loved with you for 20 years. Just because she met him before you, she should have created that deeper connection with you. Not harbored feelings for someone from her past for 20 years.

I hate to say it but I don't think this affair is as short lived as she claims. I think it's been going on the whole time.

I'm sorry to say that if this started 18 yrs ago and she's beein carrying on with this guy for that long which is most likely, any details is moot. She's likely not going to quit and she is the type that thinks it's ok to have two lives. after 18 yrs do you really think that kind of a pattern will change in any kind of reasonable time frame? She needs more than just talk but actually the realization that it's over or you're gone. This is one situation where I really recommend walking away at the very least for a physical separation.

I hate to bear bad news but somehow I dont' think my info can top how badly I'm sure this has traumatized you already. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I know it's not going to change. She's always put herself above our relationship and our family and I was always right there to compensate for it.

There's just no good, positive answer here. Just a lesser of two evils (break up). I'm glad the kids are 14 and 17 as opposed to 4 and 7.

Sending you lots of love. A little pain now (OK, a lot) is better than a lifetime of misery. So sorry you're hurting

Yeah I dont think she will stop until she goes and tries it. Then she will probably realize its not what she thought it was over time. I'm going through a similar situation right now but my kids are 2 and 5. My wife is now in love with a woman apparently, but there is so much more to the story. She is leaving and moving in with the other woman and I've files for divorce. Sadly part of me still wants to work it out, but I know she wont see it for what it is until the excitement of the newness wears off and then she will have nothing...It is just pure selfishness. Some people cant be happy with what they have and they need to always try to find something "better", but really is just that they are not happy with themselves and they will never find anything better.

I dont think she will ever stop until she goes and tries it. I'm going through a similar situation. My wife "fell in love" with a woman and is leaving and moving in with her. There is a lot more to the story, but she doesnt see anything but what she wants to. My kids are 2 and 5. Its very sad. Its pure selfishness. Some people cant see what they have and be happy with what they have. They have to go and try to find something "better", but really they are just not happy with themselves. I have no doubt your wife will regret it when the newness and excitement of all this wears off. I believe that will happen to me to, I just hope that part of me thats wants to work it out is gone by then.