Update from Here I go again

Thank you everyone for your concern and advice. I read your thoughtful replies carefully after a long and difficult weekend. Thank you for taking the time to write, it means a lot to me. Thank you.

A few take aways and updates:

- Yes, I've been diagnosed with ptsd myself due to the trauma of infidelity two years ago. It was the worse thing, I sought counseling to manage the triggers and be better. I got better and got over it and then, Evan! Here we go again...

- I just want him to go but don't know how to say it without enraging him. He already has an exit strategy which he is not sharing, but I'm assuming, he will move out once he files for divorce to cover his behind, so in the meantime he pretends to be here and makes us all miserable. He is trying, but it's too difficult.

- Yes, I love him.but I'm done with his BS. Let his new hussy nurse his health and do his laundry. I deserve better than the coldness he shows, it makes me feel bad about myself.

-I'm done feeling sorry for him. I am done justifying his behavior. Cheaters cheat, takers take, and he prefers being elsewhere than with his innocent children, so no more excuses for him. There are other choices to handle things and he refuses, this is his choice, and not good ones, and I can't stop him fr pursuing "what he wants". I just get informed of what he wants. I'm.tired.

I feel that even though it has been painful and that I've humiliated myself and acted like a chump, I see things clearer on what I need and deserve, someone here me tioned that he can't give that me so it's best to let go, and let go and doing, it's hard, but the man I love is no longer there, his eyes are dead, his heart is elsewhere and he is too far gone into the rabbit hole. I am looking out for my kids and myself, that is the kind of live I need now.

-he is genially happier when away because he doesn't have to lie, deceive, hide his phone, live a double life, look at his innocent children in the eye etc. So for the sake of his happiness that he do desires,candy mine, he should go. I anticipate in 2 week tops from what I gather. Please help me get through this.

Thank you!

Sending you many hugs.

I admire your strength, yes it takes strength to take steps to better and happier life. I am not surprised you have PTSD, infidelity is a major betrayal especially if it’s repeated multiple times (sadly sometimes people don’t know if it was multiple times assuming it never happened more than once, when in reality sometimes cheaters just learn to hide better, it’s better to know for your own protection). I suggest when you are ready, seek therapy to help you through difficult emotional challenges and rebuild your strength ( I forgot if you mentioned seeing a therapist)

His mental health cannot be your priority in life. Your life can’t be about him. You have your own life and your children to worry about.

Especially if he has other women, you cannot be expected to be his punching bag and make your life about him and his mental health. I admire you staying decent and respectful, it’s the best way to end one’s marriage especially when children are involved, but I agree there is no need to look for excuses and no need in losing your own value in the process.

I also noticed that you said you see clearer now what you need and what you deserve. That’s a major break through. I strongly suspect that what you need and deserve doesn’t include disrespectful and unfaithful men.

Having said that, I hope you two will have reasonable co parenting schedule and he remains actively involved in children’s life (regardless if you decide on 50/50 or you’ll have primary custody and he’ll have visitations). It could be done with children’s interest in mind.

You sound like a wonderful wise person. I have a feeling you’ll have a great life ahead of you. I am here for you. Hugs

So sorry, Here we go again. That's absolutely heartbreaking. This man doesn't deserve you!

It's hard to imagine when we're in the middle of this kind of nightmare, but it will end. Maybe even more quickly than you hoped! One day you will be walking down a street and you'll look up at the sky or at the people around you, and you'll suddenly realise that you are free

I recommend you watch Living Out Loud. It’s a movie about woman going through difficult divorce, also with infidelity involved.

Holly Hunter did a great job portraying myriad of strong emotions and pain this woman endured. Well there is more to a plot. Some twists.

And the end there is fast forward when she pursued things in life she always wanted, she walks on the street looks around and she is so happy, strong and full of energy. She isn’t depressed, meek, weak, and miserable lonely woman she was. She is now “living out loud!”

I recommended this movie to few people who just went through divorce and it made a difference for them. This movie does such a great job showing raw emotion of betrayal, loneliness and then transformation to a free, happy and wonderful life ahead.

Watch it

GOOD for you! I am very proud of you for coming to this conclusion!

You deserve FAR better, my dear. Far better.

My husband's infidelity provoked my PTSD symptoms. I was physically shaking when I read the flirtatious texts between he and his co worker. it IS a traumatic experience to go through. It's a huge betrayal of love and of trust between two people.

We are here to support you. I am rooting for you! Once you get through this period and once he leaves the house for good, I am sure you will experience a huge sigh of relief. And then you can start healing and rebuilding your life.

All you did was try to be a good person and keep things together. No one is prepared for what you ended up having to contend with. And it's not about making excuses or justifying or having to sacrifice yourself because of this or that. Instead it's more about learning how to really see what is there and understanding how what is there is not going to fit into what you want it to be.

Yes! About my ptsd, I didn't even knew I had it. On my second counselor first appointment, she told me: you have ptsd. I've never had panic attacks before, I never shook at the sight of a street, I never felt like I couldn't breath when I saw his car, I never had fear of his phone, I didn't tremble at the sight of a certain app etc. I was in rough shape. I almost quit my new job because it was near "the house of sin". My therapist told me that exposure to triggers help and that those feelings will eventually go away when you make new positive memories, and boy was he right. And I started that process of healing and recovery, it took over a year to feel full and happy again... And now this.

The good news is that I've already done my grieving two years ago and I've very few tears left to cry. I'll give him credit that for a while he put up with my trauma and helped me, he told me I was safe, he told me he was never going to go away again. I believed him, ... And now, wham! I feel so stupid, but don't regret the beautiful two years we got to spend together, happy again in fools paradise. I was happy, he said he was "happier than ever", until his enabler committed suicide a couple of months ago, and his mistress started to circle back up to collect on the opportunity. He then decided that if he is/was still contemplating/confused about the greener grass elsewhere then we had no tomorrow. I just want him gone. The mind games are just too much for me.

Now here I'm saddle with lawyers and the ****** process of dismantling our family, while he is out basking on his success that I HELPED him build. He is on top of his game right now, today the fruits of his hard work and mine and our children have come to fruition.

Money cannot compensate for this blackhole, this hell. But it will sure make things easier. I wish we were in our little condo with our babies budgeting our little pennies and being blissfully happy. Now I sit here in my golden cage, alone, raising kids alone, seeing him succeed off my back, and he comes around for "the kids" but don't interact with them. He wants to punish me, control me and making me feel less than human by trying to be nice, being cold, selfish, wanting his attention and all of his entitlements of affection, understanding, help etc. No regard of how this makes me feel. I feel stuck.

He said that he is going to spend the night all week "elsewhere"band come in at 6:00 am for the kids, and come around to stay the weekends. That is better, more space between us, I just hope to get through this in one piece.

Thank you all

Congratulations for the HUGE step forward you're taking! Things may look hard right now but if you keep working on yourself and trying your best like you're already WONDERFULLY doing then Hopefully things improve! Please do keep working as much as you possibly can becasue you can REALLY do this! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Here we go again, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

If he is doing well you can probably get alimony and child support. Then you are entitled to at least half of property. Your lawyer is probably telling you all that. Try not to get into tit for tat’s emotionally as all that does is create emotional weights that pull you down. If you keep focusing on what you made happen then you won’t see how that can contribute to his being able to pay child support and other things.

You do have two beautiful children that you love. You will always have them to love too. Try not to sit and baste yourself in negative emotions but instead to focus on filling your life with healthier things/plans.

You did nothing to humiliate yourself and you did nothing foolish. He is the one who humiliated himself sleeping around and acting foolish. You aren’t being foolish whatsoever. No need to beat yourself up.

I am glad you get reasonable financial arrangements as you already mentioned and make sure you work with your lawyer. You are doing well. Good life is ahead of you.

Sorry to say it, but he sounds quite self absorbed and selfishly oriented. He's only thinking of his own needs and is not considering your own whatsoever. That makes me sad for you. It's also very sad that he's not interacting with the kids.

Yes, he is a very selfish person. It is was caused all of this and he has always struggled with giving, he likes to receive, but giving is very hard for him. He is a spoiled, entitled man child that wants all the attention to himself. He is vane and respond to ego strikes of his adoring cheerleaders. That is not reality and that doesn't last, I'm sorry that he doesn't see the road that he is walking for what it is. Cheating is a huge personality flaw, of weakness and immaturity and need for validation. I wish he would have learned from before, but now he is jumped with two feet into becoming a statistic and a cliche.

On a positive note I feel that I'm making progress and trying to build the life that I want for a change. I want to travel, entretai , see my friends, be active in the community, strengthen bonds with family, bring the laughter back! Catering is closed!

Sadly some people are takers. And they look for those they can use. Eventually most people catch on and to quote you “catering stops”. So glad to hear that you don’t choose to be stuck in misery, but instead choose life full of laughter, active engagement in life around you, travel and many other wonderful things! Your kids will benefit from it. Happy people raise happy children!

If he is selfish and has not been considerate of your needs then going your separate ways is a wise decision.

He doesn't and he does, a cheater with a conscious? Today he bought me a gift, something that I needed, without me asking. Half way in, half way out. .. make up your mind already, this is exhausting.

You don’t have to be enemies. You have two children together you can be civil.

Nothing wrong with buying a gift. Of course provided the gift isn’t something weird

It’s not the same as there was no abuse or infidelity, but my ex husband and I remain friends for life. But we are not alone in it. I know many other people who remain friends. I’d say if no children involved, perhaps it’s uncalled for but when there are kids, it’s good to stay on good terms (if possible, sadly you can’t be on good terms with some people, still you want to maintain civility).

It’s good for the kids and for others involved. For example you don’t want to make your kid’s wedding or graduation party guests uncomfortable because you and the father have obvious animosity. I’ve been to events like that. Very uncomfortable for all involved, especially one’s kids .

Remain appropriate and civil but continue moving on, that’s the plan!

Civility is what we are both aiming for, but passions fly. we are still having sex I'm ashamed to admit. I figure, I will probably not gonna get any for a loong time while I go through this and put my self back together. I'm not in to 1 night stands and the thought is dating seems revolting to me at this point, I'm a beautiful fit smart career woman, but I can't even contemplate going to bed with anyone else right now. Civility, civility.. I love him, he doesn't love me, I have accepted that, so having mindless sex with him that doesn't matter seems like my consolidation prize because I apparently have no self respect, no boundaries and my inner empress has not surfaced yet. I am in purgatory, I am numb, I habitats limbo land where I don't know how I got here and have to wait to get out. I am being civil for the kids, but the truth is that he doesn't interact with the kids, he wants to interact with me. I am working hard towards seeing him for what he really is, and trying to be "civil" (aka not hate his selfish cheater self) while I get the payout that I worked do hard for. So I'm putting up with all the baloney, mind games and emotional vortex. It is going to be a long year. I can't be friends with him like he wants, friends don't hurt their friends. I want to point out that the same happen before. Walk out, come back. Two years later walk out... Coming back part time while he gets his living arrangement situated. I am ashamed to type this, but I obviously need help. I am in counseling. I am OK, just numb and with the sole objective to make it through the day. I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. I am not confused and I am the one that made this arrangement, perhaps so the kids can see some normality around here. Yes, I know that I am a pathetic chump, I feel bad about myself, but smug at times. No tears will be she'd as I have gone through so much trauma that I don't feel anything anymore. When I cried at least I had an emotion, I feel nothing now.

Stop beating yourself up dear.

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. Continue seeing a therapist.

If you continue having sex it’s your business, not for anyone to judge, but I urge you to use protection. If he is unfaithful, it’s too dangerous. Sadly I knew a lady who worked with HIV/AIDS foundation and was an advocate for HIV patients, she contracted HIV from her own unfaithful husband. She wasn’t sick for a long time but then AIDS kicked in. She didn’t know he had it from his affairs as she had no clue he cheated. But if you do know, try to be careful. You got to be well for your children! Most people contract STDs not from one night stand with strangers but from their own unfaithful partners. I am not trying to scare you. It’s perfectly fine to have sex with him, why not? but protection will keep you at least somewhat safer

You do what you got to do

It’s sad though that he isn’t interacting with his kids. I hope he could make some changes in that department and spend more time with kids

@Here we go again are you on any medication?

Cheating IS a very selfish act. I am glad you are seeing him for who he truly is. It's great to acknowledge the reality and to see the flaws in him - very healthy. That's good!

And good for you for outlining your goals and future! It sounds like a very bright future ahead of you.

It sounds like what you are doing is the pattern you had known in the past where he would come home then be away to serve. Even then you were intimate because you knew it would be a while before you would be able to again. This was an established routine in your relationship while he served. At the same time you learned how to have your own career too. We are creatures of habit and we can get into a routine where we unknowingly just follow a routine to free up our mind to think about other things and yet it's our way of gaining a sense of subconscious control too.

Your husband is used to seeing you during leave and then going off on a tour of duty where he is in another routine entirely that you are not a part of. Part of the reason he has not bonded with his children is because he did not really get to bond with them during his leaves when his main focus was to be with you.

Those that get involved in the service are first of all young and they go through a lot of training and in that training it's very repetitive. It genuinely becomes someone's life style and how their brain gets wired to that life style. When their time in the service stops they WILL look for something that allows them to replicate that type of life style because it's how their brain is now wired to operate.

You cannot compare the life style you got accustomed to with others that never lived that lifestyle. Also, you learned how to work and basically hold the fort of your homelife while your husband went off to serve. So that too is "learned lifestyle skills". It's also a pattern you got used to living.

It's very important to understand this FACT @Here we go again because what is normal for YOU is going to be different from what is considered normal to others. You simply cannot judge yourself for this either or put yourself down as that's really not being fair to yourself.

You were both young when you got married and you both learned to live a certain lifestyle. It's important to recognize the fact that you learned how to thrive in that lifestyle and you were able to actually learn to have a career too. You developed a certain kind of relationship style around what you both chose as a career path. What you have described of a pattern really isn't something "new". What was new was how he came home and was also suffering from ptsd and that new change in pattern changed YOUR pattern. So, in effect you had to suddenly deal with a lot of CHANGES you were not prepared to deal with. When I read about what kind of relationship you had, it's not the typical "abuse relationship" that others share. The dynamic of your relationship has been different. Truth is you never were interested in having a relationship with someone else, you were living the lifestyle that revolved around his serving and many women are loyal to their men that have to go off and serve for several months at a time. Like these other women you had a plan for what you wanted, that's pretty normal, but that plan did not include dealing with a man that got so traumatized he developed ptsd. When a partner develops ptsd it changes the relationship a lot, it changes the person struggling a lot and quite honestly, it's not INTENTIONAL, but instead intrusive. And it could be that YOU are connected to his old life that he can't live anymore too. You can be a reminder and when it comes to that kind of dynamic, that's really hard to address. Truth is he never planned what happened to him either, no one plans to experience ptsd and how much it changes a person. Yes, it can seem selfish, but, if you can understand what it means to need to distance from reminders it's more understandable. Doesn't mean it's fair.

True. I can't help him anymore, maybe his next victim has more endurance as they have known him like this and their romance has been between desert te es and granade explosions, he was a different person and that person is long gone. He left the military 10 years ago, but his job is related and just as stresful and full 🌝 f triggers. Add money and power to that plus first class tickets around the world traveling with cheaters and alcoholics, the perfect recipe for disaster, breeding grounds for cheating and detaching from your family. He knows that neither our children or I had done anything to deserve the abandonment and neglect. That is why he has sworn to generosity in the divorce and amicability/frie ship with me. Yes, I might just be the one stable friend he needs, or a healthy habit that reminds him if his former humanity and earlier

I am sorry you are struggling. Hang in there.

I feel better, bit the struggle to get through this will be long. Thank you for your words of care and support. I feel alone and lonely. I feel stupid justifying his behavior over and over. I'm trying to distract myself and my kids and not to think where he is at it where he is doing. Definetely not feeling sorry for him, he out there chasing his conquest while we sit here eating alone. I don't have any proof of his cheating now, bit I know his mistress has circled back and he is very secretive with his phone, wants to excersise and duet and gas shaved his privates (gross). The writing is on the wall. I feel bad for my kids.