Making the same mistake as my dad - but can't change how I feel.

Your emotions aren't unfortunate. I'm wondering why you need to characterize them in that negative way? You were in a relationship and it ran its course for you.

So many men end up hurting themselves and the woman they're with, staying with the woman they no longer love. Their resentment grows, they have affairs, they abuse the woman (or do worse).

The smartest decision that you can make, that will have a beneficial outcome for you, her and your baby together, is to break up with her. Neither of you are the "right" partner for each other, in your opinion. And that's perfectly fine. The worst decision that you can make it to mislead her into thinking you do love her, by staying in this relationship through her pregnancy.

Think about this rationally. You didn't like it when her thyroid disease caused her hormones to fluctuate since it made her emotionally unstable. She's pregnant now, so imagine how unstable her thyroid and hormones are NOW that her body is creating a human life inside it. She is NOT going to be rational. She is NOT going to be dependable. She is pregnant. Pregnant women's bodies endocrine and nervous systems hormones fluctuate and become "taxed" by the human life it's building. Your baby's development and well-being is determined by your girlfriend's body's ability to sustain life inside it. That means: weird food cravings, a LOT of emotional instability (due to her fluctuating hormones), fatigue, nausea, vomiting, etc.

So, I do not think you should stay with her, unless you are willing to set aside your jealousy of her ex partners, and be willing to sacrifice some of your social life to physically be at her beck and call, when she needs you to run to the shops for her, or take her to all the doctors appointments.

If you aren't up for doing that for 9 months, then you really should break up with her now because I guarantee that she will expect you to continue to be there for her after the birth of your baby and beyond and she will still be in hormonal imbalance after the birth for up to a year.

This isn't something to take lightly by any means. So, you really need to think about the ramifications of your choices concerning your pregnant girlfriend. If you breakup with her now, she'll resent you but it's for the best and if you have a therapist together to help you two transition, then you are better off than waiting until after she gives birth, b/c she'll think of your abandonment in far harsher light after the birth than before the birth of the baby. But that is my subjective opinion of course.

This requires a seriously transparent discussion with your girlfriend that you can't be afraid to have, especially since you're going to become a father. These types of discussions require a level of emotional intelligence that shows you are mature enough to rationally discuss this without it devolving into a screaming match or physical altercation. Does that make sense?

Here are some helpful links for your situation.

What do you do if you split up at the start of your pregnancy? – The Irish Times

Relationship problems and pregnancy | Tommy's

Ending a relationship when you're living together - Citizens Advice Scotland

Feelings, relationships and pregnancy - NHS

8 Red Flags the Pregnancy is a Trap – Ann Silvers, MA

https://www.romper.com/pregnancy/how...youre-pregnant

NP man,I see that you are happy for her.She got less chances because of her age and medical issues.My question is are you ready for parenthood?I agree with what motts has said.Now that pregnancy happened, will you resent later if you sacrifice your time and goals now?I think it will be better if you discuss your thoughts frankly with her now and see her stance.She may expect you to continue the relationship after the child birth or she may expect you in her life permanently as the father of her child.You are very young. And you would want to experience life fully.What would you have done if this accidental pregnancy didn't happen? Did she know you were thinking of ending this relationship?Just curious to know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NPMAN Hi Beth, ... I know that you had a different experience with the father of your daughter, from my understanding he wasn't present at all. How did you manage? How would you react if he said that he's not ready, but wants to support you and your child?

Yes, different in some ways. Had he told me, "I'm not ready, but I'll support you and our child," I would have told him that he knows full well that sex may result in pregnancy and that if you don't like the heat stay out of the kitchen.

I didn't expect to stay with my daughter's bio father because he was from another country and there was no way he could legally remain in the U.S. unless we married...and I did not want to marry.

What did I do? I was 21, had absolutely no income because I was let go from my good job when I became pregnant. I returned to the relationship I had left because my now-husband would not stop bothering me. He insisted that we would have a wonderful marriage, he wanted to raise the child together, dah, dah, dah.

After a couple of years we married, and we're still married, but have not lived together for many years. Long story. Our son is a fine, decent man. So for him I am glad I married his father. For me, the marriage has been one heart break after another and another and another.


Interestingly, my daughter and my husband (who raised her) are very close to each other. In fact, they are a lot alike in personality.

When my daughter was in her mid-30's her bio father contacted me, saying he wanted to communicate with her. So stupidly, I gave him her email address. There have been problems ever since. It was like opening the door and letting a demon in.

That my daughter's father took off, especially after professing love to me, and even though we were so close and lived together, caused...I don't even have the word...a nightmare in my life. (He never gave me any financial support at all, btw.)

My genuine belief? As I said. When a man and a woman have sex, one would hope they are both mature enough to accept responsibility for a child that may be created. And, in my experience with my daughter and with other children who do not live with both biological parents, that child will carry many negative feelings about itself - no matter what that child is told or taught about how much it is loved, how precious it is.

Hey Motts,

The reason I'm characterising my emotions as "unfortunate" is because I can really see her trying harder and of course, in an ideal world, nobody wants to split up when they have kids. Yet, that's the action I must take to stay true to myself.

Whenever she found out she was pregnant, she told me "You don't have to stay, you can leave if you want, all I'm going to say is thank you for making my dream come true". I told her that I'll always be there for the child... I can't promise that I'll stay, but I'll try my best. The next few months she was telling me that of course she'd like a proper family, to which I replied "of course, which woman wouldn't?". She also told me that she's very happy that I'm with her during pregnancy as it would be very hard for her alone...

I feel like it's my duty, as the child's father at least, to ensure that the child is developed to its best potential... if she stresses out too much, this could affect the child. If the child will be born with some issues, possibly caused by my leaving... I would never be able to forgive myself. That's why I think the child's best interests, it would make more sense for me to suck it up, and leave after the child is born, god permit healthy.

Part of this duty involves dealing with her moods, cravings, vomiting, taking her to doctors and any other physical and emotional cravings... I look at it as 5 more months of my life... I'm not in a war, I'm not suffering from a life threatening/significant physical impairment and while at times it's really challenging emotionally, I realise that other people have it so much harder.

I do agree that there could be a period of resentment after birth, however again, I feel like that's the sacrifice I need to make, to maximise the baby's wellbeing.

I feel like that chance will be lower though simply due to one conversation we had, about 6 months before she got pregnant. We decided 6 months before pregnancy that we'll wait 2-3yrs until thinking about a baby (assuming her treatment would go well)... I told her that I won't be able to guarantee that my feelings will change. We almost broke up, but got back together as she wanted to travel too. The travel plans didn't work out, and she got pregnant, knowing that I didn't want a child at present.

Again, I'm anti-abortion but pro-choice. I'll always love my children, no matter who gives birth to them... the timing just wasn't right for me to start a family right now, whereas for her, the clock is really ticking and finding a good man who will help raise and support the child takes time.

I'll definitely have a discussion with her after a month or two of birth, when she settles down. I don't want to have a bad relationship with the mother of my child, especially that I have so much respect for her. I'll hold back any anger and unnecessary emotions I may have... it's something I'll have to do for everyone's benefit.

Motts, I can't emphasise how valuable your advice and our conversations were to me - thank you sir, you're really making a difference.

You even spent time looking for resources for me, that's very nice of you, really appreciate it. Will make sure to go through all of them today.

Hello sir(?),

Thankn you so much for your comment and helping, understanding my situation.

Yes, I truly am happy for her, especially given her circumstances. I believe that your question can be split into 2).

1). Are you ready for marriage?

2). Are you ready for parenthood?

The answer to the first one is no... I still want to travel and enjoy life as being single... as my partner has. From listening to her stories, it sounded like a great time which I never had... I realise that if I don't have it now and commit to a family, in which I won't be my best self (due to a lack of love for the mother of my child), I will have regrets and resentments.

Parenthood... is anyone who had an unplanned pregnancy truly ready? If you asked me 3 months ago, it would be a solid no. However, I got used to the idea now. I'm happy that my genetics are passed on. I'm happy I'll be able to make a difference to this human's life, to help shape them and make them a better person. I'm happy I'll have another person as close to me as my mother... someone I'll always love and care for (no matter the cost emotionally, physically or financially). I of course expect myself to be in her life permanently as the father of her child... and I told her that no matter what happens between us, I'll always be there for both of them. Of course she prefers me to stick around as her partner, most expecting mothers do (if their man is a genuine guy).

Thanks for asking all of these questions... it really makes me think more into my situation.

Like I said to Motts, we almost broke up because of children once... back then we got back together because we agreed a compromise... I felt that I might change in a year or two. Now that this happened, it makes me think more of her and my own friends' past experiences as being single... I always thought about it but it didn't bother me so much... now that I'm going to become a father, the feeling multiplied in magnitude. My plan before was to move to Asia first for 3-4 months, see how I'll feel being alone, without her... it was going to be a test of my emotions. It never happened, so I could never truly test myself.

If pregnancy didn't happen, my jealousy probably wouldn't grow so much... I was comfortable, but not in love.... love didn't play such a big importance for me. Love is fundamental though when becoming a family.... with that missing component, I don't think it's possible.

Thanks for sharing your story, Beth... I really appreciate it. Helps to put it to perspective. Yes, I completely agree with the responsibility... both parents should play equally important parts in their childrens' lives. I'm sorry to hear that wasn't the case with your daughter's biological father, but from what you're saying, she still had a father figure, whom it seems like she really respects and loves.

Speaking as a child whose parents remarried and divorced twice, I did grow up with insecurities... but that's because of the way I was brought up. My friends helped me dispel those, which had nothing to do with my parents divorcing. I love both of my parents, and realise they're happier staying separate.

This adds to my feeling of leaving few months after birth... I don't want my child to grow up seeing his mom and dad unhappy and thinking this is normal. If that involves my child having 2 fathers, me, and my girlfriend's new partner, who will show her the love that I can't... then so be it.

It seems to me that your decision is firmly set. Good luck to you and to the child you have created.

You sound very mature for your age.You have some clarity .A lot of people who are married and have a planned child show a lot of immaturity in child rearing. It looks like you know what is the right thing to do even in the face of an accidental pregnancy. I am sure you will make a good decision that works out for all parties involved.All the best to you.

Thanks Beth. Thanks for all your advice, time and sharing your experience.

Thank you so much. I am and I'm not (per my reason for leaving...), but yes, I always try to be fair to everyone. Thanks so much for your help, advice and time - really appreciate it.

Makes me feel more confident for what's ahead.

Look at all the divorced celebrities who successfully co-parent (too many to name). There's nothing wrong with you for falling out of love with your girlfriend, and beating yourself up about it doesn't accomplish anything. Life happens.

From everything you've written, you appear to be very grounded (more grounded than a lot of parents who are together, for that matter).

Just remember to be as transparent with your girlfriend about your intentions throughout her pregnancy and after the birth of your child, so that any resentment she may feel (naturally as one does when a relationship ends), is countered by the fact that you were honest with her throughout this entire relationship from start to finish; and that you will remain in her life, in a platonic role, as the father of her child, as a co-parent, and as a friend. That's more than most partners do for their exes, so you are already on good standing as far as I can see.

When navigating relationships, honest/vulnerable communication is necessary to manage expectations and create healthy boundaries with each other.

Your feelings are normal and valid. You can't control how you feel. Time, counseling and reflection can clarify and alter them maybe, but your actions are what define you.
You seem very mature in many ways for 26 and you have put so much deep thought into this situation. You are even reaching out for advice even though it is difficult because like so many men you grew up believing "men don't cry" and "real men don't have feelings, let alone share them." This mentality unfortunately stunts so many men that I think they often can't properly name what they are feeling let alone communicate what they need to a partner.

Yet, you ARE still 26. You have been in a committed relationship nearly all of your adult years. Speaking from experience, you can become resentful of people or situations that prevent you from feeling freedom because you have never had much opportunity for that.

This brings me to a concern I have. Everyone here definitely has great points I agree with, but a unique point to add is that unless your GF is dull emotionally, she already knows your feelings. You discussed them already. This brings us back to actions. Like in my circumstance, my husband was shouting what he wanted but never said a word. We rarely can hide from those close to us what we feel entirely
In my circumstance, it was unanswered text messages (even ones needing emotional support), missed opportunities to spend time with me or say something appropriate instead of being silent. It was nights of rolling away from me or falling asleep before I finished my night routine instead of waiting to chat about our day like past nights.
The atmosphere changes. I believe it is more painful to be in a committed relationship and feel alone than to actually be alone.
That is stress. It can equal the stress of a revelation such as your decision to only commit one more year full time to her.
The other complication is you mentioned you live in a small town and are feeling obligated to marry now. That isn't going to get easier to dodge and will keep coming up. Not that their opinion matters, but it puts stress on both of you.
I absolutely commend you for committing your lifetime to caring for your child and for your vow to help the mother always. So many dads "fade in the wash". That is so damaging to a person's psyche and puts them at a disadvantage in knowing how to have relationships with people of both genders.

Your baby's organs and systems are in place. Your baby won't be noticeably affected by mom's stress now, but brain and nervous system development continues for many years now honestly. Mom's stress when the baby is 3 months old will still affect baby in breastmilk and her emotions. Especially if she has debilitating postpartum depression as I did.
Babies change so much their first year of life that every month they look and act so different. You may find you can't leave any more then than now.

I am not saying to leave while she is pregnant, but that later isn't necessarily better or going to work out. I am just bringing up considerations.
In some ways GF is starting the honeymoon phase of pregnancy where she can relax that baby's chances have improved, nausea usually improves, exhaustion improves for a while, and she will feel baby soon. As much as she wants baby, the first 3 to 6 months after birth are so exhausting that this is probably an equally happy time now. It is hard to feel alone and down when you feel flutters and rolls of a miracle baby inside you.

Thanks Motts, yes, absolutely agree. Honesty and communication is key. That's it... while it is hard, it's important to stay true to yourself and be fair to everyone else... there will definitely be some resentment, but time heals, and she's quite rational when it comes to family and communication...

We had our first scan last Friday... listening to the heartbeat and actually seeing the baby is an indescribable feeling... it really gives you something to live for and work harder to be a better and more successful person

Hello!

Thanks for joining the conversation and sharing your thoughts .

Yes, you're very accurate on the mentality... I was born to a traditional Eastern-European family, hence the mentality was always "men don't cry" and "a man is a wall". While I do agree with some of it, the fact that opening-up and openly discussing emotions was never encouraged, it is quite hard for many men to express themselves, so in a way, my apologies if I haven't been too descriptive of my own emotions!

You mentioned that you're speaking from experience when it comes to resentment from limited freedom... could you share some of your own experience for context, please?

I agree on the atmosphere... she's definitely trying a lot harder and saying "I love you" way more than before... I do appreciate it and see those things, but it does make it harder, as my emotions don't change. I still care for her (and will forever, as she's the mother of my child) and am there when she needs to talk about something or has a problem, I still make gifts for her. While there are subtle signs, I think overall I'm doing a good job for her to feel calm and relatively not stressed (which is my priority right now).

I wouldn't even call the men who disappear "dads"... everyone, regardless of gender must take responsibility for their actions... especially caring for their child... while I'm not in any means a role model, I will try to do my best while staying true to myself.

I know from my cousin's example, who had a significant fight with his wife when she was 7 months in, resulted in the child having a heart condition. I'm just so scared that a similar situation can happen in my case... his child will have to live with it for the rest of his life... which is why I'm really trying my best right now to minimise stress in her life (especially given that she's very emotional as a person). So yes, while the major organs are mainly formed, I still wouldn't like to take the slightest risk of damaging my child for his/her life... a year of self-sacrifice is nothing compared to a lifetime deformity.

So yes, while I agree that it definitely won't be easier emotionally, I feel that it will be safer, after the baby will be more less 5 months old. It will probably be even harder for me, but safer, as the baby will already be in this world and will have approx. half a year of healthy breastfeeding.