Divorcing and still living with a narc

I've been so naive...

This morning, I realized and saw so clearly how much of a covert narcissist and a hypocrite my soon to be ex husband is. It turned my stomach in the inside, but I kept a straight face.

Do these people make it ahead in life... using us... and then we're left as the "losers"?

I worked so hard to create a nice home and he gets to keep it, even though he complained the entire time that I was the one making all the decisions... because he wouldn't make any.

This morning I brought up retirement, and he pretty much too the opportunity to jab me with the great things he is going to do. He used religion, in an attempt to make it seem nice, but I realized how he has just been using it as a tool all along.

I feel like a dumb idiot.

He still does things that know bother me - on purpose.

People like him are sick. I wouldn't entertain, not for a minute, trying to hurt someone. If I didn't like them, I would move away, but I certainly never got any satisfaction of making someone else feel bad.

He is so nice to others... But some have realized his game and have called him on it. Then he twists his stories.

God help me...

If he’s keeping the house, I’d be paying you off? So you get to have a new place. Are there kids involved? Why is he keeping the house?

I am so sorry.Living with a narc,not an easy task. Please take care of yourself.

No kids. He can keep the house; he wants it. It’s too big for just me. Yes, he should pay me half of the equity.

@Blueowl, it's Ok to realize this later on... please be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for what you have been unaware of until now.

Narcissism and narc abuse can be very confusing, because the narc can be all loving, sweet, and kind, and then flip the switch and be unloving, insulting, and hateful. This back and forth, on and off behavior confuses the victim immensely and it's so difficult to discern which behavior is the real person.

I recently divorced my narc husband. We were together nearly five years and married nearly four years. He was very abusive, but also very loving too, and I was ensnared in his trap for years, feeling very confused and torn between the two sides of him. When he was loving, I wanted to stay with him. When he was hateful, I wanted to leave him. Finally, I figured out the same thing, ie, that he is a narcissist, and that I had endured narcissistic abuse. Once I started learning more about narcissism by watching helpful and educational videos on YouTube, it all made so much more sense. I ignored red flags that I saw in the beginning, and still gave him a chance. I wanted to get married SO badly that I wanted to believe that it would all just magically be OK. But it wasn't. I learned a most valuable lesson.

So, my advice is to work on forgiving yourself... you mention it a couple times that you feel stupid and naive. Allow those feelings to give you the chance to learn something from this and gain something positive from your experience that will help propel you forward in life more confidently.

The fact of the matter is, anyone can fall for a narcissist - anyone. And they typically choose those who will boost their false image of themselves - they typically pick strong, successful, and attractive partners... kind of like those who want and need a trophy wife.

The other piece of advice I can give is to educate yourself on narcissism, narc abuse, and on healing & moving on from narc abuse. This helped me so much in my own healing process, enabling me to forgive myself for what I didn't know, and move forward confidently in life.

Today, I feel far more equipped to recognize the red flags and to avoid these types of men. I already ran into another narc, and figured it out on just one date!

Also, to answer your question. No, these people do not end up as the winners, and us the losers. YOU win by realizing this and getting yourself OUT. He loses because most partners figure it out eventually and most will leave. He can keep up a facade to the outside world, but really, deep inside, they are living in sheer MISERY. They already suffer, so no, they don't win.

So, please don't beat yourself up - I imagine you've already been trough SO much pain, anguish, and heartache with this person that you don't need to add to it yourself.

Hugs to you... feel free to pm me if you want additional support, resources, or advice. I am a member of a few narc abuse and divorce support groups on Facebook and can give you YouTube channels to follow and watch as well.

@Have Hope,

Thank you. Your message is so validating. He goes hot and cold. Saturday morning he was mad. Saturday afternoon still mad but not as much, and yesterday he was doing things around the house that, otherwise and typically, would have never done. For example, he vacuumed, cleaned the dishes, etc. Normally, those things don't get taken care unless I do them.

These back and forth behaviors can be confusing so I wrote up a list of all the bad and refer to it periodically.

I've watched Dr. Les Carter, Narcdaily, Dr. Ramani, and others about relationships. I have learned a lot and as of these last several days, when I watch these videos, I get really upset because it's clear as day. How did I not see it!?!?!?

Am working on moving forward, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others.

I am not in Facebook but I would welcome the YouTube channels you recommend.

@Have Hope... one last thing. Congratulations on spotting a narcissist early on. I wish I had the skills years ago!

Dr Ramani is one narc expert to follow.. here's another I recommend:



Watch him.. Andrew. He gives all sorts of great info and advice on healing from narc abuse.

Re-reading your lists of all the crap that he's done helps tremendously. That's what I repeatedly did during times of confusion. Granted, I slept with my ex narc twice after separating... be prepared for the hoovering and love bombing tactics to keep you hooked and from divorcing. That's what's likely coming next. Unless they've found new supply and have discarded you, they will hoover and love bomb. Even when they have found new supply, they tend to come back around to make sure you're still hooked on them. It's all about bolstering their fragile egos. They feed off of attention, positive or negative. He feeds off of you. So, just be prepared for what is likely to come, stay strong in your stance and follow through with divorce. They make promises. break them and never change.

I have not let him near me for a year and a half now, and I mean, at least at arms length because what did it for me was an episode of physical abuse. That's what did me in. So now, I don't even get close enough for him to barely touch me.

This morning, he had left a gift for me. I almost wish he hadn't. It first upset me when I saw it. Luckily, he was not around to see my expression. I keep the conversations to the bare minimum. I thanked him in a very gray rock way.

I am not withdrawing the divorce whatsoever. That is a process that shall continue. But, what I find myself anxious about is his next move. Because, well, you never know. They enjoy disturbing the peace and watching others squirm.

Gray rock is the way to go.The narc I am dealing with is an expert in dragging me out of my Gray rock mode,involve me in circular conversations and triggers me to fly off the handle, then smirks.The smirk on narcs face makes me crazy for sure.Any important discussion turns into word salad. You just cannot put in a word edgewise. Sickos. I am sorry you are dealing with a narc.Its exhausting.

@Mendingmysoul... I have been dragged into these circular arguments. I, sadly, increased his vocabulary. He would use the new words I introduced against me. I wouldn't cave in, and so what I got from him were these dark, black eyes, with hatred in them.

I recently spent some time with another woman who is divorcing a narc who knew exactly what I was talking about regarding the look on his face.

Am sorry that you get triggered. It's taken (and I cannot say that I won't fall for it again, but I am doing my best not to...) a very conscious decision and mindset to not talk to him about anything that is absolutely necessary and even then, I keep it very short and walk away quickly to do something else.

You can never have an intelligent discussion with these people.

And that's the way to handle still living with him - gray rock and only have necessary communications.

The look of hatred used to scare me and freak me out. I even told my ex you treat me like you hate me and like I'm the enemy. I said that more than a few times. The word salad, the circular conversations, and the gaslighting all made me insane.

I'm glad you're not physical/having sex with him. That does make it a bit easier.

And he got physical with you? Did you call the police?

Never-ending same circular argument here, too. That’s what happened in my marriage (now divorcing but living apart). It was crazy-making. I said my piece in every way I could, and was so baffled that he couldn’t hear me. It turns out he didn’t want to hear me, and he was passive aggressively engaging in this fruitless argument to keep me unhinged. It took me way too long to finally understand that and end the relationship. I never had that kind of struggle before with anyone else, that circular argument. I wonder if this is a part of a narcissist dynamic.

I do recall Ramani did a video talking about having the same argument over and over.

I just did a search and found several sites addressing this being a part of gaslighting and stonewalling.

@Have Hope,
Yes, he did get physical, but I defended myself, so he's been careful about doing it again. But the fact that he did reach out to harm me... that was when I said to myself this is the end. I did not call the police. Why? Because he claimed I was the one who hit him. It turns into a he said she said situation. Like you know, they only do this when no one else is around. Thus, you lose credibility.

@Have Hope,

I used to watch Andrew's videos and learned a lot. But then, it got to the point that watching them made me upset because what was going through my head was... how did I miss this? how could I not have realized this earlier?

Today's video, the one where he said narcs treat strangers better than you... So true.

What pains me and hurts is that these people knew all along what they were doing. At the same time, I watched a different video where rather than wish karma or ill, to wish them healing.

More ruminations....

The house we had together is nice. In the several years that we've been here, even though we could have made the spaces much more enjoyable with comfortable furniture, TVs, places to hang out...

Ah, the life that could have been. Don't understand why narcs don't want to enjoy the little things in life. Had it been important to him, it would have happened. It was important to me, and I tried, but I ran into roadblocks.

I miss good company inside my house. And I'm at the point I don't necessarily mean a SO, but maybe even a family member. As a member of a family of 6, there was always something going on. Of course, there were problems just like everywhere, but my immediate family was loving. Come to think of it, there never was any screaming in my house growing up. So, when it happened with this person, it was completely foreign to me and I didn't know how to react or what to do.

FWIW, today he was in his best behavior. Knowing this is only temporary... saddens me. I feel like I've wasted years of my life and the opportunity to have my own family.

Hopefully, tomorrow, will be a better day.

Alternating behaviours of idealization and devaluation is what makes us feel like we are walking on egg shells.After experiencing the bad,the good feels unbelievable and keeps us waiting for the other shoe to drop.Crazy making behaviours. Hope you are doing ok.

Hon, at least you said that's it, enough is enough, and I am done. You drew the line... many people still don't draw the line after it becomes physical. Give yourself more credit here. But yes, I understand how that all works and how you can lose credibility when dealing with a narcissist.

So, what is your answer? Were you too in love to want to face the fact that it is abuse? Did you think instead that it was all somehow your own fault or something you've done to deserve that kind of treatment? Did you ignore the signs of abuse and dismiss them?

It can take many people years to realize that they're being abused and for many different reasons. Many women AND men on my Facebook abuse forums say that they thought it was their fault, and they took the blame that their abusive partners placed on them.

You are not to blame, and you are not to blame for not recognizing it until now.. but I think it would help you to get to the bottom of it so that you can stop beating yourself up over not knowing and so that you can forgive yourself for not knowing.

I have not forgiven my narc ex in my own mind yet... I have and I haven't. Parts of me are still outraged by his treatment of me and it is still a little too fresh. And I don't wish him healing.. they will never heal, by the way, and they will never be better than who they are now. I wish my ex well, but that is it.

Not only that they play Dr Jekyll /Mr Hyde roles,what I have found is they also alternate their personalities between being intelligent and being really dumb.Specially when we start an important discussion they start playing dumb.How is it possible to have an intelligent conversation with a person who deliberately plays dumb?

I was never in love with him. I figured it would come with time and I was thinking about the lines of "good enough." I don't doubt for a second that I deserved that treatment. I did endure 3 instances of physical abuse, but he knows I'll fight back so he was careful about it.

I tried to talk to him about these problems... Obviously, it didn't work. The circular arguments... It was all in my head, he didn't remember doing it, blah, blah, blah.

I learned a lot about emotional abuse... basically, anything that is not physical because it is not as evident. I just knew something was off but couldn't put my finger on it.

This is good because I get it off my chest, I get feedback from people who don't know, and it's helped me think and introspect. Hopefully, someone out there reads stuff like this and realize that they weren't alone.

Thanks, all, for your input. I appreciate it.

You know what's weird? I never truly fell in love with my ex husband either. It was all on his side, well allegedly because he never truly loved me, not in a normal, healthy way. I just wanted to get married so badly and he was there, asking me, so I said yes. I was 47 years old, never married before. I felt I should be married. What a mistake that was, but I've learned from it. I will never settle for just good enough ever again. I'd rather be alone than settle for less than what I truly want.

@Blueowl, how's it going? Are you hanging in there?

@Have Hope,

I got a job out of state and have about a month before I leave. I'm looking forward to the change. Have circular "talks" about some of the things that need to take place for the divorce; he'll bring them up but then be non-committal. My inclination is that I've made it this far, and 4-5 more weeks is nothing.

I'm relieved that the settlement was not changed (because he wanted to make sure that he got a good deal) and that his lawyer advised him to go ahead and sign it.

Been watching some videos on YouTube about not overthinking, and other such topics to help me not dwell in the past and beat myself up.

The new job will be challenging and that will be my main focus - it will keep me busy until I learn all the ins and outs.

I had a great Friday, had lunch with a co-worker, and met another friend and her daughters yesterday. Thus far, there are many people who have offered to help and offered a place to stay. I'm too proud to take them up on their offers. Yesterday, my friend and her daughters made me feel loved. I have support and am grateful for that.

As of lately, doing real well. Thanks for checking!

WOW - good for you!!! All positive action steps.. congrats on the job, and for taking care of yourself emotionally and in other ways. I am glad you're no longer beating yourself up - that never does any good except make one feel far worse.