narc me out (numb me)

At the Enneagram workshop this weekend, I learned that 9's as is my type, the peacekeeper, people pleaser, use narcotization (zoning out, falling asleep) as their M.O. avoiding their problems.

So I'm thinking, yea OK I like it, let's run with it, full on escapism, bring it on. I want xanax, valium, seroquel - stack me up baby.

Of course, this was supposed to be a realization that my current method isn't working... but I feel like no it's not working because I'm not narc'ed out enough. That's the problem. And I'm tired of feeling everything, I'm tired of being the "stupid emotional woman" yes I am called names like that.

Knock me out and wake me up when I'm stronger. Cuz when I wake up... he better watch out, they all better watch out.

2 klonopins and a Benadryl later.... I think I may take pdoc up on the small seroquel for sleep cuz this "hypo" is weeks now and only getting worse! Almost a week on the lamictal I feel nothing from it I'm still a raging Bword. I have to sleep so I can get child to school and work and all their appointments, not any resources left for me to go back to T . All the sacrifices while he sits on the beach complaining of the heat. Oh poor guy never gets to see his kids poor him him him. Never mind how he messed with their heads. He knows son broke arm, hasn't called. No not surprised just feel bad for my kid that he has to have that assclown for a sperm donor. I was a naive little girl. No more.

I'm a strong follower of the narc out system, have been since age 14... I firmly believe in drugging myself into a deep sleep and waking up when the world makes sense!
So sorry things suck C

Found this, funny stuff, this guy can dance
YouTube
Good stuff, Spandy Andy, Love it

I made another appointment with the pDoc this morning.



The drugs are *not* working & I miss the mania, minus the insomnia part. Ok and totally "Mom's nuts part". Mostly I think due to lack of sleep.

I rest my head now and the thoughts won't shut down. My mind won't shut the F up. Anxiety drugs - may as well be M&M's.

But I also scared he'll put me on something stronger like lithium - dONT want. Reading is my passion. I'm thinking Visitril for sleep, Xanax day. We'll see what he says.

I've been in bed for almost 2 months straight except when I have to get up & function. And I can do it. Function. kid to school, events, etc. Beds just safe & cozy. i read a lot and I don't think about my worries until my head hits the pillow. I thought it would be easier with my son not here, but I'm not better

Narc me out too. No joke. I already know I'm a people pleaser and it usually gets me walked or stomped on.

And the B word, OMG - when I'm not in bed I'm just nasty rotten, which maks me feel guilty, which makes me feel nastier...

I'm not pleasant to be around.

The Ramones covers won't play on my iPad, but here's a girl who does a slower cover of the song I wanted to share:

I also believe in the narc out system.. Doc perscribed seroquel in case I cant sleep between that and the kolonipin I take during the day I am sleeping amazingly well.

I don't mind "Mom's nuts" that part is fine. But I'm not ok with my rage, irritability, very confusing hating my life and things/people. Wanting to jump off this planet contradicts my love for my children.

And dealing with all these attornies and cpa's with business stuff. I'm tryingto hold it together long enough to get my job contract for 3 years, just have to make it through that, I don't know if I can even make it 3 years. I can barely work as it is. It's too much stress, too too much, but I have to just do it. I hate it.

I don't have children, but I totally understand the feeling. I hate it too!! Hating myself and wanting so badly to end it all are against my nature. I hate who I am but I have so little control over it.

Hugs to you Blue!!! Just know you are not struggling this way alone girl.

I hope the Seroquel works for you. Obviously too much for me. That was practically a coma for me. I slept ALL the time. Even when awake, I was kind of asleep. That was a scary drug that I wanted off of but doc wouldn't, just kept increasing the dosage. So I ran, no drugs, no help, just me, until the crash again. UGH! I so hate me. OK I'm off my pitty pot now, this is about you not me. Maybe I'm too overwhelmed now to be supportive even though I want to be.

Oh thank you thank you. Now I'm actually smiling!

It is a horrible feeling!! Children or not, we usually have some people or pets or planet and trees we care for. I want to walk in peaceful gratitude, I need therapy. Back to mindfulness therapy when I have money - that was most useful to me.

I'm on the fence about the seroquel, scared for many reasons. My son tried to o/d on it, that wasn't pretty. I'm already so blah can barely get things done, but my mind doesn't stop. If I can't wake up in the morning, there's no backup help to get my son to school - and then they take it out on him like he's a bad student with bad attendance. And then if I can't wake up, I can't work, and so much going on with work right now - has been for a long time. I don't even know what it would be like to have a vacation and not answer work calls & emails for a week - but I think it would be a good thing for me. But not yet. So not sure about the seroquel yet... I want to be sure.

You know what else I hate? Yelling at my head to shut up and it doesn't listen. And I can't even tell what's bp or if there's borderline going on (like you mentioned in other post - I'll respond) or if it's gotten worse over the years. it's been a whirlwind.

Ok so think of a positive - I have 3, my kids. They all spent time with me on mother's day. They were high on pot the older 2 , but they're loving beautiful people and give me hugs. They'll find their path, maybe not the college path i wanted for them, but somehow will work out. My older is clean off meth for 5 months! And my youngest, he's my sunshine boy. god i hope he doesn't get any bp, depression, alcoholism, he's predisposed to... but I can see with him how my therapy and reading recommended books helped so much. I love them so much.

and the animals are cool. my lab follows me everywhere even if I'm yelling at myself. And he lays down near me. That type of unconditional love is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueInanna
Found this, funny stuff, this guy can dance
YouTube
Good stuff, Spandy Andy, Love it

Oh thank you thank you. Now I'm actually smiling!

LOLZ, glad you liked it Aphros! Just when I didn't think anything would make me smile either I found that groovy guy. I finally fell asleep after watching it a few times. I'm saving it for the books for when I need a laugh. He's So happy - want to go wear sparkly spandex and dance like him!

I hope it works too. Couldn't take it. Woke up with a body of an 80yo on the lower dose & didn't even sleep good.

I miss drinking- it quelled the anxiety, panic attacks and was one hell of a muscle relaxer. But one drink turns into 18. No off button. Run out or pass out. Hangovers were hell too. Plus I gained 60 pounds. (And i'm my normal 105ish now) ok - see - there's my second thought thinking - drinking's not for me.

Nix on -

Yes on -

Although the seroquel works for me it gives me the babbling tams twice a day. Its hard to raise up a child when your yammering and no one can understand you. It wasn't for months on seroquel that a neurologist stepped in and gave me nuvigil that I was able to have a normal style of life again. Don't know if this would work for you or not, but its worth a try. I said I was asleep too much of the time and that was the truth. Seroquel is a scary drug, u can't talk or drive like an adult for sure . Good Luck

I am all about sedation : )...two thumbs up!

Sorry your going through a rough patch though.

I'm happy. I got my Xanax .5 three times a day & Vistaril. Knock me the heck out & stop being a b to everyone I love. Plus he doubled the regular meds. Man, I hope this works. He says I was becoming hypomanic and we all know where that can lead...

Blue, I didn't know you had a lab. I have a yellow lab that is my world. You are so right about their unconditional love.

I gained so much weight on seroquel, but it could work for you. Meds are different from one person to another.

Yeah I love mindfulness type therapy it works for me too.

You'll get there...I believe it.

After all the hurrahs - my Doc adjusted my meds - I slept like crap
And now I have to go in to Mommy Muffin Morning at the elementary school looking like a zombie. Where's my coffee IV?

Haha