I Think I Learned Too Late:

Well, it was one of the "deal breakers" she mentioned.

The hardest part for me is us not talking about our respective days anymore. Im a cimmunicator. Being alone is really depressing...

That's what she's claiming now. Don't depend on her for telling you her real reasons for anything. She stuck around for quite a while after you were performing. Like you said, it paid for expensive home renovations. Now, suddenly, she cannot abide you playing in the band. Sounds fishy to me. She never even brought this up years ago? Back then something could have been negotiated . . .like, if she wanted to agree on how many hours a week you could spend out with the band.

I don't doubt that she now resents you doing anything that you find fulfilling. For those 3 hours in So. Calif., you weren't obsessing over her. That's what she can't abide. I think this lady is quite disturbed. That may become clearer with time. She's handled this whole business of breaking up in whatever way she can make it most painful for you. Don't be surprised if she gets kinda lovey-dovey again. That will be so she can enjoy the thrill of pulling out the rug from under you again.

Admittedly, I don't know this woman . . . but the narrative you relate has an odd, perverse consistency to it.

There's an odd consistency in your behavior too. You keep wanting to see her as the arbiter of what is true. Some things you have to figure out for yourself.

About a week ago, she wrote me this long letter saying she felt like i "faked" being the perfect husband to "trap" her with feelings of love, then gradually reverted to being a musician, didn't "love" gardening, etc., she asserts the entire marriage was based on falsehood. So, next week, her and her girlfriend (who is also divorcing) are going to burn their respective wedding photos to welcome the new moon.

Im like, whatever makes you happy.

Looking back, I'm seeing where she required that i give up my masculinity early on in the relationship, but then became disgusted with me because i was "weak."

Early on, it kind of became a requirement to agree with her to avoid conflict. It became a kind of snowball effect and it was very much a one-way street on many topics, but my past relationships were that way too, so ive become conditioned to that and gotta break the cycle through balance, self esteem and being politely assertive.

Wow - this woman just amps up the cruelty to higher and higher levels. She's determined to just bust you apart mentally as much as she can.

JTL - I'm going to say something, and I mean this very seriously: I think your wife is truly mentally disturbed.

Lots of people leave their spouses for very good reasons and don't act as mean and miserable as your wife is acting. This is not typical behavior of a woman wanting a divorce. There are women who've left alcoholics, addicts, compulsive gamblers and even men who were physically abusive without getting into the mean state of mind your wife is into. I've known some women in bad marriages and some that left bad marriages. Your wife's behavior is outside the bounds of how even women under much worse stress behave.

I'm sorry, but this lady is not the sweetie-pie you initially described. There is something really wrong with her. It sounds like you have been in a role that we usually think of women being in. But it can also happen to men. You might be surprised to learn that men are sometimes admitted to domestic abuse shelters. It doesn't sound like you are in physical danger, but you're describing a level of emotional abuse that is really off the charts. This is flat-out pathologic.

Over many years, possibly through multiple relationships, you seem to have developed a capacity to tolerate real nastiness. I hope that therapist you're seeing is competent. It might be good for you to see a male therapist for a few sessions and get a second opinion as to what's going on in your life. I still think you should also see an attorney. This woman sure enjoys composing vicious notes to you. Next time she presents you with a letter, you might consider declining to accept it. You're under no obligation to read stuff as sick as she writes. This is why some couples separate and then communicate only through their lawyers. This is only going to get worse. It's not hard to see the trajectory that your wife is on.

@Rose76

I really appreciate your detailed response. Its making me think about a lot of these things in vivid recollection.

Right now - i believe - she is staying angry to cement her resolve to the divorce, because my current behavior is based on loving responses.

But, I've kinda looked back and now I see some things

So, when we met, we dated and i treated her very, very well, as is typical of my behavior. I was 2 years out of a divorce that left me penniless, so it was a 100% start over thing.

We did everything together as a dating couple and we agreed not to have sex until marriage, which we felt was something we wanted to do just because.

We married 15 months later and rented a home in the mountains. It was the perfect life in every respect. My only hobby was my wife. Aside from just an absolutely stunning physical appearance, she was so incredibly sweet.

About 7 months into our marriage, we got custody of two children from our previous relationships - one mine and the other hers.

Suddenly, we needed more space. We started looking at larger homes and this was during a period where prices were astronomical.

Stress.

The 7 year old boy was damaged and was in all kinds of therapy, including family therapy too and his behavior would continue to deteriorate.

About the same time, her adult son moved in with us to get back on his feet after a breakup in another state.

Life had totally changed in a short amount of time. I was overwhelmed.

I was very OCD about my black car, and i started getting into polishing it more often to kinda zone out. I would spend a lot of time in the garage to avoid the stresses.

(I have since addressed this by no longer purchasing black cars.)

My wife would eventually tell me that 3 distinct things broke us up in this order:

1. Playing music

2. Submarine game

3. Getting upset over small things

My adult sons would come to visit and one of them bought me a WW2 Submarine Simulation game for PC. We kinda got hooked on ot and i would zone out with ot when things got stressful with my youngest son, or life in general.

I was working a boring, dead-end job and i had a background in music professionally, which my wife and i did discuss briefly, but she didn't know i had an obsessive passion for it and i was also a workaholic.

She told me we needed a home for our larger family, so i told her i could go back into professional music very easily. We discussed it, discussed the money available and she gave me her blessings.

I got guitars out of storage and started sharpening skills. I went back into music at the 2 year point in the marriage.

In one year, i produced $57,000 surplus, unreported cash, above and beyond what it took to pay my fair share of our monthly expenses.

My credit was destroyed from the divorce, so i couldn't qualify for the loan. Since i trusted my wife completely, i simply offered to sign a quit-claim deed to streamline the purchase. I put up the down payment and my wife bought the home.

By this time, my 10 year old Son's behavior was getting worse. He ultimately attacked my wife physically (she is 5'-4" 125) and he ended up in residential behavior therapy and ultimately went back to live with his mom after her probation was complete.

My work involved very long hours away from home, but we texted and spoke by phone often. We had a family GPS plan where we could all see each other's location in real time.

I still have no password on my phone and although she has never asked to look through it, i wouldn't care because i have nothing to hide.

There was never any infidelity. There was never a porn problem. I had risqué photos and video in my phone of my wife, so that was my go to when i needed release on the road. My commitment was important to me.

My wife wanted to do more upgrades to the house, so I offered to take on a 5 night a week live band on the casino circuit. We had a 38 y/o female singer. She was white, blond with blue eyes. Despite myself being Caucasian, I could never find white women attractive. I've always been drawn to darker, ethic women, Latin, mixed-race, etc., and my wife was onboard with this.

Our band played in Socal. We were never "on the road" in bus or stayed in hotels. I had no "alone time" with our singer and i was very cautious of her because she was very aggressive sexually, not with me, but with other band members and crowd members.

Soon we had purchased a new car for my wife for cash, and did over $200,000 in landscaping, remodeling, painting, solar, and paid off all credit card debt. All this time, wife was working full-time as CPA and contributing.

The more $$$$ the band made, the harder i worked to make more. I would come home exhausted. My wife had always had lower libido than me, and we had less and less lovemaking because of my maniacal schedule. When we did, it always involved me warming her up with oral to a climax before penetration, which is just something i really enjoyed. I always felt i was a thoughtful lover.

I only know now - through recent discussions - that my wife was detaching because she felt abandoned by the music. She started insane gardening and expected me to do all kinds of things around the house on my off time.

Things like water heater replacement, ceiling fan replacement, yard work, etc, and i did complain about this and asked why we didn't hire all these things done.

My wife was always independent and kinda bossy/wayhaver-ish, but this was the first time i saw her start getting upset.

She was born in South America, very poor but with a very strong work ethic. She told me that i was lazy and expected people to serve me because i was white and i thought i was better than everyone else.

I argued that it wasn't laziness but rather i was tired, didn't have experience with some things and thought it better to hire a specialist. This really was upsetting to her, so i started doing these things, and, quite stupidly, complained the entire time, which caused more detachment.

About this time, my wife invites female singer and her kids to our home (while I'm gone) to shower because their water was turned off for repair work.

Our home was a simple 1,600 sq/ft 3/2 built in 1990, on a mountainside neighborhood. Nothing fancy, but very clean and well maintained.

When i got home that day from my daytime recording studio job, my wife was upset and wanted to talk.

Apparently, the singer complimented my wife on our home and ultimately said, "My kid's and i would love to have a cozy place like this."

My wife also alleges the singer told her "you are so lucky to have him for a husband. Every girls wants to screw him and he won't give any of them the time of day."

My wife felt like the singer was after me. I thought this was ridiculous. We argued about it some, but i never felt any attraction, but the singer did say some things that were very forward, but she did this with everyone, so i just shrugged it off.

My wife was a regular at our local shows and some rehearsals. I always sent her pics of the band all working together and most of the time, the singer's husband was in those photos too.

Example - at a rehearsal one day, the singer announced, "great time to be horny and surrounded by nothing but married guys." Everyone laughed. This was who she was. I kept my distance, but kept her onboard because her sex appeal was very good for business.

Ultimately, she screwed the married guitar player and broke the band up. My wife and is wife were chims. I found another guitar player, since we had performance contracts to fulfill, and made plans to keep playing with the singer.

My wife flipped. So, we fired the singer and pulled in a vety talented, but muc less sexy replacement.

This wasn't enough. My wife demanded i quit the band, which i did in spring 2021. As band finance guy, i lost a fortune in contract cacellation fees. The band was not an LLC.

I told my wife that she needed to "chill" because she was like a tiny Gestapo commander and this made things worse. Our income was cut by 50% and it was noticeable. It put a lot of stress on us, but the renovations were done, so i took a boring job to be home more often to work on our relationship.

Being home didn't help. She was angry because she felt that i "concealed the real you and trapped me with this wonderful husband, who then becomes distracted and abandoned me, so i still really don't know who you are. Our entire marriage is built on a lie because you concealed your OCD and music fascination. "

I was nowvhome more and trying to romance my wife, bit she said she just didn't feel sexual desire for me (or anyone) anymore, largely, i believe, becasuse she was detaching and sgutting down.

This was very hard for me because i find her wildly attractive. I had to learn to live without the physical intimacy and i did grow to resent this fact.

And its been a downward spiral ever since. None of my self-improvement was good enough to pop up on radar. I felt like i was on a relationship treadmill.

Now, no matter how much i do around the house. Its not enough and my past keeps getting dredged up almost everyday until a few days ago, when silent treatment set in.

This is kind of a forensic overview of the relationship.

Now that i feel like i am in a better place and clearly healing, Im stuck waiting for a divorce to be final that i didn't want and i even argued against it, but she insisted, so i filed it.

This also explains the catalyst for the "if i knew you were a musician i wouldn't have married you" comment.

Still 100% faithful and im very proud i was able to resist temptations. Ive accepted divorce and know i will be ok. I have a great job and a bright future.

But, im lonely. I love to talk and im not able to, really, with women because there is always this spark and i enjoy the connection i feel when i get inside a woman's head, so i gotta kinda run from this so i don't get tangked up in another relationship prematurely.

OK - let's assume those 3 things are what caused your wife to want a divorce. I wouldn't assume that, but let's say - just for the sake of argument - that those are the things that bothered her the most. It really doesn't matter what bothered her. If she wants a divorce, she wants a divorce. She's legally entitled to exit a marriage for any reason at all, or for no reason. She's not obligated to convince anyone of the validity of her reasons. The marriage isn't working for her, so she wants out. If she wants out, she can have out. There's no need for all this nastiness. You're not threatening to kill her, if she leaves. As a cop, you surely heard that some women get those kind of threats. Your wife is not Tina Turner, and you're not Ike. Next time she hands you a letter or sends a snotty text, try saying: "Look woman, if you want to go, then go." No need for her to keep rechewing the cud.

At some point, you've got to decide that done is done, and a bunch of whys don't really matter. You will most likely never feel you clearly understand how she came around to wanting this divorce. Ultimately, you need to stop caring why.

Now she's worried how she'll make up the income deficit. She's whining at you, "What shall I do?" At some stage of the game, your answer needs to be, "Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a d@m." Otherwise, you'll go nuts, which I think is the object of her game. I think she mentally dwells in a very strange and somewhat sick alternate universe . . . and she wants to pull you in there too. You're getting pulled in and pushed out at the same time. You do not have to buy a ticket for that ride. It's time to start setting up boundaries. You didn't lure her into marriage with some kind of a scam. That's bullchips. It sounds like an argument to get you to pay "reparations." If she guilts you enough, maybe you'll keep splitting your gig money with her.

@Rose76: Remember the girl i spent Sunday with last week? She and i send a text now and again, but we don't talk much. Interestingly, she often texts "i was just thinking about you," so i think my spirit and my poetry got in her head a little.

This is what i want. That intimate, emotional connection.

Currently, im looking for a travel companion (female) just to do things with me on weekends. Not to "hook up" because i find sex boring and mechanical unless im emotionally connected.

As much as im starving for emotional connection, i seem to have to force myself away from it to keep from establishing an emotional connection at which time the sexual desire kicks in.

You make very valud points.

Ive accepted the divorce, but nothing has ever hurt me like this.

Im looking at places to live near my work.

Im trying to avoid getting too close to a woman. After 4 years celibate, im definitely ready to enjoy a woman again, but dont want to make a mistake because i get emotionally attached too easily.

Last night, she went off and said this, "The Holy Spirit revealed to me you f***d the singer and you still won't admit it." This is a direct quote. I really paid attention.

I looked her right in the eyes and said, "I know my heart. I know that i never touched that women and my conscience is clear. Im late for rehearsal," and i left.

Since last night, she doesn't speak to me unless i speak to her and she's edgy with replies.

I was stunned because all I'm trying to do is make things stable while i find my way out.

Part of your last post wasn't showing up before. It sure sounds like there's been plenty of turmoil. Bottom line: this became a loveless marriage. You might do well to throw yourself back into your music. Do what satisfies you. Get some joy and pleasure out of life. You're not a kid. Don't waste what good years you have left staying embroiled in stupid arguments. She needs to go plant her garden off the grid, and you can't pretend to like that, when you don't. It's lucky for you that you have your own passionate interests. Pursue them. Be who you are.

@Rose76 - so, here's my delima.

I get reasonable attention from women. Im almost constantly touched by women (like light tap on shoulder or light tap on my arm) and im uber-hygenic, so even the 25 y/o barista at Starbucks tells me i smell good.

Recently, i had a divorced, late 50's woman, with a killer appearance, (very Raquel Welch-y) give me lots of arm touching during our professional interactions, then invented the excuse to have coffee with me in public.

After some small talk, she said, "Uh, ya, anyways, i don't know your relationship ship status and i dont wanna step on any toes, but if you are ever looking for a woman to just lay down and let you enjoy her, I'd definitely be down for some discreet fun."

Now, her looks make her dangerous for me. I was able to thank her and politely say that i feel like I'm currently too "spun out" in my head after a breakup that im afraid to involve anyone else's feelings because i dont wanna hurt anyone.

While listening, she pulled her pendant chain up into her mouth and kinda started playing with the locket, just running it back and forth across the chain. When i finished speaking she ssid, "the only feelings i need you to hurt are the ones between my legs," to which she smiled provocatively and laughed coyly.

Now, in my mind, I'm rejoicing because she is hot on another level. In my heart, i still feel comitted to my wife.

I also thought women were largely totally finished with sexual desire by their 50's???

This stuff is hard to resist.

We are doing more and more music now that I'vebeen dumped. Im actually doing just what you suggested!!!!

If she's stopped speaking to you, try enjoying that.

When she insists that a lie is true, just say, "Well, you can believe that, if you want." Don't bang your head against a brick wall.

This woman with the locket. It doesn't sound like she's got a steady man in her life. You gotta wonder why her previous relationships fizzled out.

I think you should find a male therapist and work for awhile on stabilizing yourself. You'll be fine.

It’s not the music that is to blame. It’s more about how much time it takes and how it takes away from her being the center of your attention in the way SHE wants. It could have been absence due to being a fisherman or a politician or sales that requires travel and being away from home. It can be a police officer that also takes up time where the man is more involved with law enforcement than the home relationship. Even doctors can experience this where they might be on call and it takes over and always has to come first.

A woman can start to feel lonely and expected to be intimate when HE has time like she is on call for HIS needs. This is what tends to create problems in relationships. In my time reading or watching biographies about different individuals their relationships tended to fail due to time taken up due to careers where a partner was left alone a lot.

I believe you hustled and made a lot of cash to rebuild your life in a way that your first wife was not able to cripple you. However, your present wife will benefit from that because of how the paper trail is in her favor. The other downfall is what is not paid in to social security and that also can hit when calculating social security when you retire. I believe you worked very hard. I do think you should get half of this home you invested in when it sells if you can. Idk if that’s doable given how you set things up in your current wife’s name.

I totally understand what you mean where you don’t get sexual desire from certain women. It’s nice to know your desirable but it’s not the kind that really turns you on. There are women that can be very forward, often shockingly so. I have seen women behave that way.

Good points here.

Regarding Social Security. I received a notice from them in 2010 stating that i had paid in the maximum amount and that no other payments coukd be applied.

In her case, her cardiac surgeon husband replaced here with a 29 y/o PA.

I'm politely avoiding the 50 y/o because my resistance level with her is zero. She's dynamite.

How do i get past this internal commitment to the wife who i am divorcing?