I Think I Learned Too Late:

I'm keeping a positive outlook today.

Last night, i had the worst panic attack that I've ever experienced. It was absolutely terrifying. I've never been so happy to see the sun, and yet so totally exhausted at the same time

Today, im in my office functioning on no sleep

Almost done for the day....

How can you text your husband of 9 years and write, "i have searched my heart and soul and there is no love for you. Im only still here because 2 incomes are needed," if you ever loved him at all???

About 2 years ago, i asked her why she married me and she immediately answred, "Because i saw your potential..."

I guess the writing was on the wall

And what was my response to her text???

"I know you been through a lot. I love you."

I'll heal, but i invested every ounce of my heart and soul. It hurt me badly...

The way she stated that to you was very cold and self centered.

She is very blunt and super-direct, but in my heart, i just want to think she still loves me....a little.

Bless you for your kindness...

Honestly, some people don’t love the way we might want or think. Even when we try and love them, it f it’s not there, it doesn’t matter what effort we put into it.

Yes, it can be very disheartening and deeply disappointing.

It’s up to you to know your worth. This means learn to value your own achievements even when others don’t. That’s on them not you.

I wrote her a poem yesterday and we talked a lot last night.

I told her that I'm willing to accept her decision. But, i also asked her " aren't you surprised that i didn't leave when you sent me that text?"

She answered, "Yes, i still dont know why uou didn't freak out."

I answered, "because I'm in love with you and you cannot kill my love. I married you forever and ever, no matter what."

I then told her this, "You need to know that you matter. "We" matter. We could fix this. My heart is always with you, even if you reject me."

Here's the last thing i said to her last night:

I'm telling you this because i do not want to run into you, 20 years from now, and have you say, "you know, if you would have owned up to your failures and asked me for a chance, i would have given it to you."

I'm officially asking you for the chance to re-write this ending. If you still want to split, I'll agree to whatever terms you ask and I'll keep loving you, no matter what happens. "

"But, having said that, always remember this, i loved you enough to go all the way to eternity with you and i ONLY let go because you were ready to move on."

Who knows where this will go???

@openeyes:

I got a response to the poem i wrote a few minutes ago:

"I read your poem and it’s beautiful, honest and full of love. Thank you ☺️ we’ll see what the universe has in store for us. I just let it go into the universe and it’ll be what must be."

Taking one day at a time...

I disagree regarding mating possibilities for women in their 50s. I feared, when I was younger, that it would be the case as you describe, Open Eyes, because when I was in my 20s, I had many suitors in their 50s and I just assumed that that is what men in their 50s do: fall for much younger women. But it did not materialize in my life (thank god). In fact, I have recently rejected two lovers, one 5 years younger than me and the other 12 years younger than me (and with an absolutely stunning physique, not that I care that much about it, but I am able to objectively judge it without emotionally or sexually reacting to it). I am hoping to be married to a man my age (who currently lives abroad but we plan to meet soon and see if we are a fit for each other at last), someone whom I did not take seriously when I was in my 20s because I was deeply in love with a man older than my father, and, again this is a hope atm, to have this marriage as my last marriage until one of us dies.

Regarding the libido, yes, mine is very low but it is due to medications. It is not at all due to age and here is proof: when in November 2021 I briefly tried Vraylar and found being on Vraylar equivalent to being off meds, my hypersexual ideation returned to me in a matter of days. I also stopped sleeping, the situation started escalating and upon realizing and seeing that I would be manic if I did not intervene, I stopped the Vraylar trial. Now I am on Latuda and it dampens the libido. The same was true on Zyprexa. But everything else is wonderful on Latuda, so I am choosing a very stable life over having a high libido. I can still climax from masturbation but I have no particular desire to masturbate and schedule it as I would chores and exercise because I am morbidly afraid of developing sexual problems and vaginal atrophy from the "use it or lose it" side of things.

Yes! Yes!!! And as you say, you are in a great physical shape (and I do not mean to qualify it with "great physical shape for a 57 year old man", but just great in general, globally, without a qualification), with a lot of successes under your belt, with an unusual openness to therapy and self-improvement, with a poetic talent, with the sex drive higher than it has ever been and the ability to make a woman climax (assuming this ability is generalizable from your current wife and former sexual partner): that is PLENTY to carry proudly into your next relationships(s).

I just want to suggest one thing regarding your hyper focus on your wife's climax (in the past). For your future women, making their climax more important than yours is OK as long as you do so because you are keenly empathetic and you experience their pleasure as your own, because you are happy for them and maybe a little proud of your efforts. It is not advisable to prioritize her climax because it is a testament to how good of a JOB you have done, which is what you wrote. In general, the less you equate sex with achievements/performance, the better. This is especially true for you personally since you write poetry and want to make poetry part of the intimate encounter. Forget about doing a job, any job, and enjoy.

57 is nothing by today's standards. But given how much you work, it is important to also find time to exercise, and of course you should eat healthy foods. If you do that and add to that your (future, and I am sure you will get there) emotional and physical intimacy, and if you also stay on top of your health, take care of issues, and stay connected with your elder parents, your children, your current's wife's children, your friends and the larger community, you have a very good chance of living a long life. Take advantage of it, learn from the past but do not dwell on it, and look forward to your next adventure and what else is awaiting you on that journey. It is already the fact that his marriage is better than prior marriages and there is nothing to preclude you from enjoying your next relationship even more.

Very exceptional points!!!!

@Tart Cherry Jam: i am blessed with good genes. I'm 6-3" 207 pounds, still have all my hair and try hard to stay fit. I drink too much coffee possibly, but i don't eat fast food.

I do really, really enjoy the totality of the female climax. Im fascinated by it and regard it as a true skill to be able to produce it. Sometimes, i just want to enjoy the experience and marvel at the physiological changes that take place.

I'm a giver by nature.

Yesterday, someone quit and i was promoted to management just like that. I was humbled.

Things are going good despite the pain...

Had a rough morning. Missing having someone to talk to. That's kinda tough for me. Hope you are having a good day..m

I rolled down my window on my way to work today and made heart symbols with my hands to all the attractive women i saw in traffic.

The responses were absolutely magical.

Good! You are progressing fast. I hope you realize that you are a rare find. And congratulations on your promotion.

Drinking a lot of coffee, if it does not make you jottery, is associated with better longevity and prevention against diabetes and neurodegenerative diseases. I am trying to drink more coffee, not less.

I do not want to lead your thread astray, but am simply posting this so that your beliefs about how healthy your existing habits are get upleveled.

Review Prog Cardiovasc Dis
. 2018 May-Jun;61(1):38-42. doi: 10.1016/j.pcad.2018.02.002. Epub 2018 Feb 21.
Coffee for Cardioprotection and Longevity

Abstract

Coffee, a complex brew containing hundreds of biologically active compounds, exerts potent effects on long-term human health. Recently, a plethora of studies have been published focusing on health outcomes associated with coffee intake. An inverse association between coffee consumption and all-cause mortality has been seen consistently in large prospective studies. Habitual coffee consumption is also associated with lower risks for cardiovascular (CV) death and a variety of adverse CV outcomes, including coronary heart disease (CHD), congestive heart failure (HF), and stroke; coffee's effects on arrhythmias and hypertension are neutral. Coffee consumption is associated with improvements in some CV risk factors, including type 2 diabetes (T2D), depression, and obesity. Chronic coffee consumption also appears to protect against some neurodegenerative diseases, and is associated with improved asthma control, and lower risks for liver disease and cancer. Habitual intake of 3 to 4 cups of coffee appears to be safe and is associated with the most robust beneficial effects. However, most of the studies regarding coffee's health effects are based on observational data, with very few randomized controlled trials. Furthermore, the possible benefits of coffee drinking must be weighed against potential risks, which are generally due to its high caffeine content, including anxiety, insomnia, headaches, tremulousness, and palpitations. Coffee may also increase risk of fracture in women, and when consumed in pregnancy coffee increases risk for low birth weight and preterm labor.

Coffee for Cardioprotection and Longevity - PubMed

See also

Addressing the Neuroprotective Actions of Coffee in Parkinson's Disease: An Emerging Nutrigenomic Analysis
Antioxidants (Basel). 2022 Aug 16;11(8):1587. doi: 10.3390/antiox11081587.

Abstract
Caffeine is one of the predominant dietary components and psychostimulants present in coffee, a widely appreciated beverage. Corroborating epidemiological and laboratory evidence have suggested an inverse association between the dietary intakes of coffee and the risk of Parkinson's Disease (PD). Growing attention has been paid to the impact of coffee consumption and genetic susceptibility to PD pathogenesis. Coffee is believed to play prominent roles in mediating the gene makeup and influencing the onset and progression of PD. The current review documents a current discovery of the coffee × gene interaction for the protective management of PD. The evidence underlying its potent impacts on the adenosine receptors (A2AR), estrogen receptors (ESR), heme oxygenase (HO), toxicant responsive genes, nitric oxide synthase (NOS), cytochrome oxidase (Cox), familial parkinsonism genetic susceptibility loci, bone marrow stromal cell antigen 1 (BST1), glutamate receptor gene and apolipoprotein E (APOE) genotype expressions is outlined. Furthermore, the neuroprotective mechanisms of coffee for the amelioration of PD are elucidated.

Addressing the Neuroprotective Actions of Coffee in Parkinson'''s Disease: An Emerging Nutrigenomic Analysis - PubMed

I've always been kinda ADHD, so coffee is soothing to me.