I Think I Learned Too Late:

Good Morning. Its a beautiful day....Hope you are well.

So, i guess i made a mistake....again.

When i said that i was so happy how i changed my response to planting the lavender bush, she said,

""That’s your ego talking, Ego based living.
“Look at me” “Praise me because I did great “
Over and over and over again.
Ego wants to be praised.
Get out of that way of living!"

So, she has repeatedly labeled me a "Narcissist" because i seek input, or praise, as a way to improve my performance.

I found this online:

"Narcissists rely on praise and admiration to gain a sense of emotional stability that they did not receive in the past. Accumulating these compliments not only satisfies this but also fuels their grandiosity and ego..."

This has really got me thinking that i need to realign some of my personality traits.

Being dumped destroys your self-esteem and it makes you so unsure of yourself to the point you question every move.

Life sure does throw me some curves....

Everyone has an ego and “some” narcissism.

People who are toxically narcissistic feel empowered when they hurt others, they will lift a block just to say hurtful things and then put up the block again. Toxic narcissism is deriving a sense of power by hurting and belittling others.

If you have ADHD, there can be challenges with temper, procrastination, and sensitivity to criticism and often negative self talk. But it doesn’t mean you are a bad person.

I'm not mean at all. Lots of negative self talk. Some ADHD.

I'm so holding on for some kind of silver lining here.

I got a great job, im a decent guy, and i just cannot believe this happened to me. I'm really struggling with this today.

Bummed out today....fighting back tears.

Do you have something you can join or do that gets you out with other people so you are around her less?

I do play in a band every Saturday

What kind of music? Do you do vocals?

I am in a hard rock band right now, a Judas Priest Tribute, but ive sang many different genres.

Narcissist is a word that is grossly overused these days and is often employed as a verbal weapon. That is how your wife used it on you.

I appreciate your perspective on this.

This is where you went wrong and why you got the response you got about your ego.

You did not plant that bush to please your wife. It was more out of spite where “ if you don’t love/want me then I will prove I can do this for someone else.”

I hope the hole you dug is not just a hole in rock. The roots of the bush need room and healthy soil to expand as the bush grows. The roots will need nutrients from the soil for that bush to stay healthy.

Same with relationships. Can’t do out of spite and the heat and the sweat will mean nothing if the task doesn’t leave room for growth and nutrients.

What instrument do you play?

I was able to break through the rocks and give the plant a really nice place to grow with plenty of soil on all sides. I wish you could see it.

I understand your comments about the ego. Im just an emotional wreck. Im sorry.

I'm starting to just not say anything and just do whatever task she requests. I come home, i smile, i greet her and i still tell her i love her.

But, anyways, i need to just drop everything and go, but i can't. I have no money saved up. Im trapped.

Last night, i dug more holes for more lavender bushes. I didn't say anything, and my wife started a conversation.

She told me we were both very sick emotionally and that we both need healing. She stated that she used to be a "people pleaser" and was afriad of being alone. Now, she is on a different path.

She acknowledged that I've made some major changes and that she sees that I'm trying to self-improve.

But, she said that we need to both be alone, for several years, to work on ourselves and achieve healing.

She told me that she sees us at a crossroads.

We can stay together and try and heal while being together, and we may not stay together because of the fallout from all the trauma...

Or, we separate after our business deals close, then work on healing as individuals and then see if God brings us back together. Maybe we will and maybe we won't.

I just listened and acknowledged her ideas, but in my mind i was thinking, we are talking about YEARS here, and i see that as YEARS we may not even have. She told me, " I don't hate you and i could be with you if we were both healed, but that's probably many years away."

She did say how she is tired of seeing the impact of our breakup on my face and in my spirit. Its hard to force a smile. Im around clients all day and by the time i get home, I'm drained from being "up" around them, so that's an area where i need to put in more effort so it makes the situation easier on her.

I just keep thinking....

4 years i survived without physical intimacy, or even kissing. I stayed faithful even when i was offered (by her) the opportunity to have an outside sex partner.

No exchanging poetry, no expression of love or desire, no excitement....and now I'm looking at possibly several more years of this???

Even if i can find a way to survive this emotionally, there's one question burning a hole in my mind:

Will i always just find myself waiting for the next breakup text?

Will i ever be able to get past this?

I know she feels totally justified in her reasoning and that her brutal honesty is better than sugar-coating, but it has DEVASTATED me and I'm not sure how to come back to my sanity.

I mean, i get dumped 2 weeks before a very important court battle. My self esteem was already tattered, but the breakup hit me unexpectedly and at a time when my perception of love and stability at home, was the only thing keeping me going.

Trying to make some sense of this.

Guitars and bass

Lots of work today at the office

It sounds like your wife does notice you are trying.

Women in their 50’s can lose their labido and they can also experience a thining of the lining in the area where a man satisfies himself. It becomes increasingly uncomfortable. There is also a decline in her estrogen levels that contribute to sexual desires. This varies in women but it can become a depressing problem and also deeply embarrassing to discuss. Men can also experience lowering testosterone levels that can contribute to ED.

When things change that change how a person engages sexually, it doesn’t mean they are punishing their spouse by not engaging in sex.

Very good points on this. I think, more than anything, her diminished desire was due to her feeling like she had to raise an adult child at one point in our relationship.

For me, my libido is as high as ot ever was and i work very hard to keep it at bay and focus on music.

I'm just struggling to force a smile. I feel like i am dead inside.

I was so happy before that text on July 2, 2023. Things were not great, but i felt solid, even if i were only imagining it.

And today, i feel alone, scared, sad and empty.

Work has been so busy today, ive only cried twice!

Wow, what a day. Busy beyond description.