[ThisNameWasNotTaken]

Hello all,

This is my first post - apologies if it does not meet any particular standards or forum etiquette.

If had to summarize in one sentence my question, it is this:

What do I absolutely need to have in place & ready before I inform my spouse I will be separating and filing for divorce, and what can wait until after The Conversation?

I like to hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Simply put, she is the least emotionally-resilient person I think I have ever known. While the odds are low, she could theoretically blow up in anger and burn everything possession I hold dearly the first time I'm out of the house on an errand.

I feel like I'm torn in an impossible situation. I can't afford for her to know The Convo is coming before it comes, but I don't know how to take the steps necessary to protect myself in advance.

Here's a fun twist: I can not drive. I can't just quietly pack up a few boxes and drive them off to storage whenever she's not around. (Plus we have kids I need to stay home and watch while she's out.)

Hopefully, this is paranoia. Obviously I expect sadness, anger, confusion, shock, etc. It's going to be a killer of a life moment. I've been seeing an LMFT therapist, and I'm going to get her advice on how to approach this not just emotionally, but logistically. Will also talk to an attorney.

Did anyone else have this fear? What were the things you knew you had to have ready? What were the first few things you did AFTER the convo? How quickly did you do them?

I am 100% sure I am going to do this. It's weighing on me heavily, but it has to be done. (I'm miserable, have been for many years, she was traumatized very young from a bitter divorce and raised by a man-hating single mom with no energy. My spouse is on a subconscious emotional self-destruct journey to prove to the universe that she is unlovable, and I finally realized I am her self-fulfilling prophecy / blast radius.)

Bleh. Kind of feels good to get that out. While I am thankful for any emotional support, I am primarily interested in -logistical- preparation for this conversation, especially if we assume it will go badly. (My possessions destroyed, locked out of the house with a keypad code change, password changed on important shared accounts like cloud storage, etc.)

Thanks all.

[FooZe]

Hello, ThisNameWasNotTaken, welcome to My Support Forums.

Talking to your therapist and to an attorney sounds like a good place to start. If I were in your situation I'd also want to do a lot of documenting ahead of time. Even if you couldn't keep your physical possessions from being damaged/destroyed, storing pictures of everything in a safe place could at least make it easier to hold her to account.

Could you set up a separate document cloud account just for you, and copy everything from the shared account into it? Your lawyer would be able to tell you if there are ways to prevent one owner of a joint bank account from locking another owner out of it (or draining the account without the other owner's consent). State laws probably vary on who has the right to lock whom out of the house, and what recourse you'd have if they did.

I see something of a tradeoff here: the more thoroughly you've prepared ahead of "the conversation," the more disrespected your spouse is likely to feel, and the more justified in resisting you at every turn and taking out her wrath on anything that's still within reach. On the other hand, the more you include her in your decision ("Do you think you might feel better not staying married to me?") the less vengeful she might feel -- but also, the more opportunity she'll have to head off your logistical preparations with her own.

You know better than anyone else how much risk you'd be willing to tolerate in the interest of a more amicable parting -- or how willing you'd be to look like the "bad guy" in the interest of more thoroughly protecting yourself.

[Blueowl]

Talk to a lawyer. Decide what is truly important to you - are these material possessions that cannot be replaced? Talking to a lawyer is paramount because he or she will know the state laws and this is what they do for a living. Very little will surprise him or her if they have experience. If you don't already have a lawyer, some will do free consultations and for others, you'll have to pay. Perhaps such payment is not something you can conceal from your spouse - am not sure what your financial arrangement is at home.