Household Logistics

How have you dealt with your wife, who does not respect your need for orderliness and cleanliness?

Hire a maid.

As with anything within a relationship,there is give and take.Both persons needs and ways should be considered . I feel in relationships "One hand washes the other"...in other words respect is a mutual exchange.(I am just a girl tho')~W~

Hi ~ How about a husband who won't respect the need for cleanliness? (he's now the ex) And don't say it was my job to clean in the first place, because I worked FULL TIME too and more hours than HE did.

Once I purposely messed up something that HE always kept just so -- in order to get a point across. Did it work?? Heck no. Then I let the house get into a REAL mess before i cleaned it up. Did he notice?? heck no. I flew into a rage and asked him who did he think was going to clean ALL this up? He said "well, YOU of course." That did it. I got in the car and disappeared for several hours, which he didn't like because he HAD to know every place I ever went - this time he didn't have a clue. lol

When I got home hours later, I asked that question again. He answered "Well, I guess us." So WE cleaned it up. After that, WE kept the house clean - not just me. Peace, Lee

Dear Yoda,

I am confused. How will hiring a maid, change my wife's disrespect for my need for orderliness and cleanliness? It would only shift my burden to the maid.

Dear WolfSong,

I value your opinion, regardless of your gender. However, like Yoda, you have not responded to my question.

Dear Leed,

It appears, we have issues in common. However, your response does not answer my question. I did not ask, how do I motivate my wife to be productive in a domestic context.

I wish you all the best,

Larry

Hmmmm....true Malachite....I imagine I have not answered your question.My first reply was with negative memories in my head...a sort of projection of watching mum and her men be disrespectful toward each other.If I were to step back and see this from a mans perspective,I imagine I would be frustrated.Yet I do not know the dynamics of the division of household responsibilities .I am very traditional.That is likely to spark a debate in forum.I think if one mate works,the heavier bit of things falls to the at home mate....if both work...things should be divided.If one does their part and the other does nothing...it'd make me feel used.I personally am going thru fire here at home...I have issues where I am not in the house when he is here...I am in my camper.But it is as it had been b4.He works ...I don't.Therefore I clean the house cook,and shop.Ummmm.....if I had a wife...and I worked,and I came home all the time to the house being nasty...I'd inquire as to what the issue was.....and go from there.What're your circumstances?Then I could answer better if you like.TC Malachite.~W~

if you've tried reasoning with her...pleading with her...begging on your hands and knees with her...then there's not much else you can do except do it yourself...

Well, Malachite, you asked a good question. I have the same need(s) as you do, and my very, very long-time wife does not. And her three years of therapy have convinced me that her habits are not the result of depression or any other mental problem. It's just the way she is: a slob.

So. I clean up what I want to be clean whle she's watching television. I clean the dishes and the pots and pans and counters and floors. And I'll tell you frankly it's an escape for me. It's a wonderfully mindless form of constructive employment that relieves me of the necessity of spending all my time thinking about how to make a living.

Women have all kinds of ridiculous (and I do mean ridiculous) hang-ups about taking care of a house. Being a man, I don't. So if it bothers me, I just clean it. I do my own wash (and would do hers but she wants to do it herself every six months) and vacuum the house. And I don't feel put upon. She has her own troubles. And no, it's not as if she were working; she's not. But she's very old, and we've been together a very long time, and everyone just needs to do what they need to do. She does cook dinner. As they say, for what it's worth, since she cooks the same things over and over and over again.

Perfect marriage? No. But I really do think that if you live together long enough, and nobody's actually beating up their spouse, you adjust to these kinds of things. They just seem less important than they would have thirty years ago. Oh yes, back then we went at it hammer and tongs: anger, rage, yelling, screaming, etc., etc., etc. But we never went "over the line" that leads to separation and divorce. We do really care for each other.

I was you, I'd think pretty hard about whether this person was the kind of person I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I wouldn't base that decision on how much housework she does. Do you really love her? Does she really love you? In the long run, that's what counts. Not who does the dishes. And keep in mind that it's 2011 and if you get divorced and try to find another, better wife the possibilities of that other woman both working AND doing all the housework are real, real low. If you make enough money, you hire a maid. If you don't, you do what you think needs to be done. Take care.

I'm not sure what you mean by "dealt with your wife." I thought at first you were asking what can you do about this problem, but from your response to people's posts, it seems not. So I guess I don't know the answer to your question, but I do know there are two in a marriage. I wonder if being extremely orderly does not fulfill a need of your wife's and that is why she is not that way? I am a very casual person myself, perhaps not a slob, but not terribly orderly. It would drive me nuts to live with an ultra-orderly person. I have a need to not be that way, just like you have a need to be orderly. So perhaps it's not all about meeting just your need? Perhaps you can sit to talk with your wife and find out how both of you can get your needs met. Will probably involve some compromise on each side? Perhaps you could each have a part of the house that is organized (or not) each to your liking, and a common area that is somewhere in between?

Malachite your question sounds alot like something my husband often said he likes things orderly and organized and often said "there is a place for everything and everything has a place ."
May I ask how extreme are the two of you?He was I believe OCD where the remote control for instance had to be on the tv every night my kids left it on the couch a few times to much so he was so mad he smashed it against a wall,same with a jar of peanut butter left on the counter one to many times instead of put in the cabinet .
He lived alone 13 years before meeting me,(he only had himself to keep up after and 1 persons stuff) a mother of 4 sons 7 year span btween the 4 of them and saw my house ,dishes were clean,toilets clean,floors vaccumed and washed but I also had clutter newspapers on couches,mail on the table a couple boxes here and there in every room etc.things that needed cleaning for sanitary reasons were .
On the other hand his house looked like a model home as if no one lived there perfectly placed pictures on walls,no mail in site,no newspapers,towels folded in an exact manner(he took over laundrey after we married,which was ok by me,I didn't fold towels or shirts the way he liked anyway)he would complain I wasn't organized enough for him .My response I have had over 20 years of living like this raising 4 boys my prioroties weren't making sure I was working FT after working FT it was to enjoy them.I also told him if he helped me I would better be able to maintain things.Well never got to that he was always working on his house in his spare hours repainting new colors etc.which I helped and left me 5 years out we have been seperated an additional 5 years he has a gf now for 2 years that lives with him that i'm sure keeps the house orderly and clean to his specs.
My point I guess is if she has always been this way she may always be.If she is willing to change ,help get things the way you'd like,if you are extreme the way my ex may have been it may cause you both alot of stress (her worried its not good enough for you,you stressing over chaos).

Or Do the things yourself to your standards but don't make her feel like she isn't good enough to do it .Some of us have certain things that cause us stress and satisifaction.

If she were somewhat Oscar and you somewhat Felix when you met keep that in mind and neither of you should complain or hold it against each other now.I know personally I got better and when he left I strayed again and his OCD got worse when he was back on his own again ..

Malachite, what is your definition of "clean and orderly?" Everyone has a different definition of clean. I want to ask a personal question: have you ever been sexually abused? physical abuse?

The only reason I ask is because I was, and a way I coped was to be a NEAT FREAK. There could be nothing out of place and if it was, there was hell to pay. Everyone was miserable around me, the kids, wife, and ME. I think you will have to learn to compromise, it cant be all about you and your wants and needs. Now if she flat out wont clean that is another issue. You cant control her, force her, so then what? either do it yourself or get a maid.

I am not certain what you wish to accomplish, Larry. Do you want to change her thoughts about your need for cleanliness or do you want to change her behaviors so that she participates in cleaning?

Are you sure that she is disrespectful or does she simply have different values than you?

I am a messy housekeeper. Always was and always will be. My ex-husband did not like that I was a poor housekeeper. I told him I would rather work overtime and hire a maid than clean the house by myself. But he said I needed to be responsible for cleaning house by myself because that was my role as his wife.

What does your wife say when you talk to her about this issue?