Moving Forward and it Hurts like Losing Someone to Death

I have been with my husband 30 years, 23 of which we have been married. It has been a lifetime of memories good and bad. So many times I wanted to leave him, but I never found the strength. We have two children that are grown now. I have journaled on and off through the years and I read over them from time to time. All the times he destroyed my heart. All the times I ached to leave, but in the end it was my choice to stay. I said it was the kids or that I did not have a job. I had nowhere to go, but in all honesty, I never really put forth an effort to leave. I loved him unconditionally and I still love him deeply. I clung to the hope that one day he would actually act on the things I begged of him. I held onto the couple that once was. And can I say, in the beginning it was so wonderful. He was thoughtful and caring. He thought of me all the time. Little notes and roadside picked flowers. Long talks in which he was willing to show emotion. I truly believed I was with the person in which I would die with. I envisioned growing old, sitting on a swing, holding hands, and enjoying each other. I would never let this feeling go until now. My husband has always been my achilleas heel. I can battle just about anything, but he, he is what wounds me the most. I had an "incident" back in October of 2023. He was the straw that broke the camels back. A week in the psych unit, a therapist brought him in to evaluate my reason for the episode. When he left, she said he is either autistic or a psychopath. There was no sign of emotion and when I stepped out of the room for a moment he threw his glasses. I was told I either leave or accept things are not going to ever change. Even through all this I did not want to give up on us. Fast forward, the last year in therapy I just said I loved him too much. She asked me to explain my love for him and what it meant. She actually told me she has never heard a love so deep. Over the year, she has helped to understand this man that stands will never be the man I cling too from so long ago. That I have been grieving the man I fell in love with, the one my heart was tied to so. I made myself give him 1 last chance to salvage what was left of us. He is still a good man, but we have no emotional connection and it is time for me to move forward. There are a lot of complications in this. For now we must remain in the same house. As soon as I find something to use as a bed I am moving out of the room. I feel good for taking this step and I know it is what I need for me. I must let our relationship go. The thing is, I am grieving the loss of that love, of all that time together, and all the memories we made. I REALLY wanted to grow old with him and that time is not that far away. It just hurts me more to be with him. The list of things he has done or doesn't do is way too much to go into. I am so sad and I am fighting my depression every day (I am biploar). There is so much else going on and I am wanting my parents which grieves me more. I miss them so much cause they always helped me when things were amiss.

I am so sorry @Frog4Life for the loss of that one that expressed so much love for you. That must be very rough for you to cope with.

I lost both my parents in the last few years and I did not understand how much I depended on them until they were not here to call up and talk to.

I have gone through a divorce and the more I clung to the hope that they would change their mind and not want to break up and have a supportive relationship again, I suffered.

It sounds like you still have hopes of finding that person he used to be. That must be rough on you.

Feel free to reply to this message or send me a personal message.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Thanks @CANDC. It is hard to give up on us, but in time I feel I will flourish. In a way, I feel single again, if that makes any sense. My world is no longer rotating around him. I am letting go of the heartache and suffering. All the times I begged and pleaded with him to change, to be a part of the relationship. I am working on valuing myself and doing things that make me joyful.

It is hard to give up on relationships @Frog4Life - I hear you. It sees you are learning to set boundaries of what you will tolerate and that therapist sounds like thepy are helping you in that regard.

CANDC

I feel so much for you. This is very familiar to me, as I have gone through something similar. I was with a partner whom I connected with deeply, but who continued to hurt me and the kids repeatedly.

As things progressed, it was staggering to face that I was dealing with someone who was a disordered personality; someone with very little empathy, and who actually didn't feel the way I did and was only mirroring actions on the surface.

We were together for 26 years and married for 22.

I felt like I was dying. We are two years apart now.

What I can say MY experience has been is;
- don't push away your feelings or your grief. Grieve.
- wrestle with all of it, but ultimately, trust the evidence of who and what your partner is. Trust people who are educated in this.
- don't lay down and let them walk all over you as you leave. Fight for your survival and for what you need. You have needs and rights and are entitled to things from your marriage and investment.
- learn about their thinking some, but at some point, recognize that you won't fully understand it. They operate differently than you, and you won't connect with the thinking.
- the MOST successful people are in touch with their feelings, but make rational decisions. Make rational decisions to protect yourself and your kids.
- remember that you can't beg someone to stay and beg them to change.
- @ArmorPlate108 told me that boundaries are finding the edges of yourself. It's OK to define and protect yourself.
- I tell myself each day, people have endured worse and gone on to thrive. I want to have a success story too.

RDMercer

I am moving forward within my capabilities. This may sound obscure but I moved into my kitchen. I can't afford to leave right now and there is no other space in the house for me. But hey, it is an improvement. I have my own space and I am now in control of my surroundings. I don't have to be in his space of negativity. I can do whatever I please. Watch what I want, listen to what I want, turn out the lights when I want. I am sleeping on a couch, but it is better for me with my medical condition. Aaaand, now I feel enabled to invite my sister in on my side of the house. Yeah, wow, but a reeeaaally long story there. I enjoy my time and no-one looking over my shoulder. Although he is nosy, finds reasons to be in my business. I feel freer, and I definitely don't have to worry about him trying to look at my computer. You know, eventually I can have my own place, every step count. I still mourn our relationship, bu t it has become less and less. I am finding the strength in myself and moving my way back to being me. so what, what he thinks, no more controlling me. I don't worry anymore what he believes is going on in my life, so false in his ideas. I didn't think there was a me without him. That I could be happy away from him. Now I want to be individual, with all my own thoughts and activities. Never will I be bound to someone again. My life is just for me living.

This is such a common occurrence Frog4Life. You got some excellence advice. It took me MANY years of heartache to understand what really happens. People change and there's nothing you can do about it. NOTHING. I suggest you use every tool you have to build a new life for yourself. I know how much it hurts. I'm in the same situation for the zillionth time. I just refused to believe that I could NOT make it " like it was " again. But I finally realized that the whole idea of " till death do us part " is a fallacy.