[sunrise]

I'm reading this funny book on divorce that Lemon recommended in another thread and one thing that I was struck by was how little contact the author had with her husband once they were separated. It sounds like they never phoned or emailed or met to discuss finances, the settlement, or anything. She would just receive envelopes of documents from her lawyer every so often and from there, learn how the divorce was proceeding.This is the book: Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair.

Is that how it is for lots of people? Or maybe for people with no kids?

My H and I have two children and have been separated for 6 months now. We have to communicate quite a bit about the kids, coordinating schedules, keeping each other informed about what's happening (homework, kids' medical problems, emotional state of kids--divorce is hard on them!, etc.). We try to meet once a week for a business meeting on the weekend at a coffee house. We discuss the kids and financial issues, exchange documents that need to be signed, pass over photocopied financial records, school report cards, etc. And during the week we may email a couple of times or call, but I try to limit the calls and save stuff up for the face to face meeting. We also sometimes see each other when we "switch" the kids each week and at the kids' sporting events. We also meet at our parenting and financial meetings with the lawyers every month or two as we work on the settlement. We do not receive envelopes of documents from our lawyers in the mail (except for the bills!).

It sounds so different from the author of that book but I guess every divorce is its own beast. How do others do it?(Or how did you do it?)

[Stiv]

My ex and I get along great now.

Far better in fact than we were in our marriage.We're far more respectful of each other as people and of each others opinions on a level we could never quite get working when married. I can't even beging to tell you how much easier it's been for the kids an each other, though she was remarried and divorced again for only three years after our own divorce.

That period was trying but ultimately, she realized how much personal refinement she needed to work on when it came to interpersonal communications (as did I, far far more than her) and between trying to make ammends and apologize and demonstrate through actions, not lip service that we will always be raising and experincing together our childrens lives we will always retain love for each other and nurture that not bitterness and malice.

As an MD she was bedside holding my mothers hand when she passed ( they were very tight) I was recently a pallbearer at her fathers funeral. Recently her mothers cancer has comeback and she is not long for this world and we all spent last Easter together (more than likely the last one for mother) and deep down I knew that was what they both and the children wanted Easter and last Christmas to be...almost like the rest of the last several years were just a brief aberration.

Perhaps the most wonderful aspect is that my girlfriend (of seven years, horrible divorce herself still suffers PTSD from it) whom I love in ways I've never loved another woman, has nary an ounce of insecuirity or a smidgen of jealousness, all she has ever said about the amount of time I dedicate and and my involvment in the diverse family activities the kids myself and the ex engage in is "You are trying to be a good father for them, I would be in the wrong to critisize that and it's about time you are helpful and nice to your ex!"

There are so many other postitive aspects to how this has worked out, but it would take up too much time to write it all down suffice to say the best advice I recieved from three different sources was, and I quote:
"Someone has to be the civil individual in this mess and it's all the better if it's you and if that is the case and she is smart she will follow."

The truth in that statement laid the ground work of what could not have been a better outcome considering the animosity that had accumulated between us over the years.

Take the high road if at all possible, you'll be glad (spiritually and morally ) that you did.

~Stiv

[Lemon]

I guess it must depend on how much stuff there is to separate. I'm thinking that couples with children have many many times the amount of work to do when going through the divorce process.

I don't think me and my ex had to discuss very much with each other during the process. We agreed on who was getting what up front and then it was just up to the attorney to draw up the papers. The attorney's communicated back and forth a little bit. Some papers went back in forth in the mail to sign and that was about it. Of course, it seemed long and painful at the time, but I guess it was short compared to what a lot of people go through.

Sunny, it is probably good you're being so careful to get everything figured out correctly now. I've heard it is very difficult to go back later and re-do the divorce settlement. But, it sounds so stressful to have to communicate with your husband so much. Once a week in person sounds like a lot!

[sunrise]

Stiv, that's a very inspiring response. Thank you. It took me a long time to get up enough courage to start the divorce process. I was in therapy for a year with one counselor, then switched to my current therapist, and I took 7 months with him before I finally was able to tell my H I wanted a divorce. One of the things that helped me was reading the book, The Good Divorce. Just in the first chapters, it told the stories of couples like you and your ex-wife, who co-parent, and get along fine, and have the shared interest of their children that still bonds them together. This book gave me hope. Your story reminds me of what I read in that book. Very uplifting. Thank you for sharing.

My H and I are doing collaborative divorce, which is not for those who want to claw each other's eyes out. And like you, because of our process, we have learned to communicate better and be more respectful. Still a lot to learn in that area... My T has said it is so ironic that through divorce like this, many couples learn to get along better than they ever did when they were married. If only we had gotten divorced earlier in our marriage, maybe we wouldn't have needed a divorce!

[sunrise]

Lemon, your divorce sounds more similar to what is in that book. (I hope you faced it with a similar degree of humor as the author!) So maybe it is a difference of kids vs. no kids. I am learning a lot from our divorce, though, and maybe it is not such a bad thing it is taking so long. It allows me to process and learn and become a better parent. Sometimes though I wish it were all over because there is a lot of stress. There are areas of conflict. I avoided conflict throughout the marriage by always giving in to my H and letting him do what he wanted, but that entrenched behavior pattern of mine is not necessarily good for a divorce. My lawyer helps look out for me so I don't just give in on everything.

It is really not so bad to meet with my H once a week. Most times it is actually OK! Also, I think being able to talk to and be with your ex in a friendly and civil way is very healing for the children, so I am glad that is how it is for us (most of the time). It would be so much harder if we were spitting at each other, at least for me, conflict-avoider superbe.