[agony007]

i am so angry. today my hub told me that if i want a divorce thats fine but he is going to do what he has to do. he is going to take away the car that i have paid for but is under his name. he told me that he would give me the money for the car. it'll take him forever to get that money to me since i have paid alot of money on the car already. he told me that he is going to take away my medical insurance(which i really dont care about because i will get ins through my job). the only thing i care about is the car because it transports me to and from work, plus we have a son in common and one from a previous relationship that i need to do things for. i am so UPSET. he told me that i should agree to the seperation instead and avoid all of this.

[Perna]

I would agree to the separation and save up some money for a down payment on my own car and put the money I've been paying toward "his" car toward it. Separate and get your act together for the divorce; get a good lawyer and some money saved, etc. Put your anger at his ugly behavior to good use? Get what money you can from him during the separation and make a plan. I wouldn't stay with such a man any longer than I had to.

You don't have a good friend or coworker who could get you to/from work? Get a lawyer!

[agony007]

thank you so much perna. u are so right. i actually work in a law firm, though they only handle criminal cases. i spoke to one of the lawyers and she told me that because the car was purshcased during the marriage i have rights to it. so i definitely need a lawyer to help me through this.

[sunrise]

agony, the car is community property, he can't take it away. Get a lawyer. Yesterday!

Legal separation has a lot in common with divorce. You have to go through division of your property, etc. Here is a brief description:
What is the difference between a legal separation and divorce?

So if your H wants a legal separation with no fuss, I say go for it! It is not much effort to convert to a divorce once you get the legal separation. Check with your lawyer for sure on the difference between the two. Once you two are living apart, you will get used to it and he will probably come around to the idea of divorce. But it sounds like if you do legal separation first, it will be less stressful since he is on board with that.

Hang in there and don't let him push you around with threats about the car and such. Your lawyer will help educate you about your legal rights and that should provide some reassurance. Go ahead and sign up for insurance coverage for yourself at your own job. That way you will be covered when the divorce does happen. Good to set a precedent of coverage.

I told my H eleven months ago that I wanted a divorce and we are still plugging away at it. We are separated now (not living together) but not legally separated. We are just going straight to divorce.

Good luck.

[Perna]

I wouldn't worry much about the car and fighting over that; if I could I would either get all sets of the keys (hard to take it from you that way :-) or just figure out how to get another car. I don't know what state you live in and its licensing laws and whether you have any credit in your own name, etc. but if it is the only car you two have, he could easily make a case of needing it and, since it is in his name only, you'd have a heck of a time getting it "back" I'd think. I'd get a plan before I tried to outwit him though, make sure I had backups to his stated uglinesses in case what I wanted didn't work.

I'm glad you work for lawyers and sounds like you have a friendly one who might be able to help you find a good one to represent you. I have worked for lawyers several times and once when I went to a new job, my boss retired "followed" me to that company (not a law firm) and when I got into insurance trouble with a hospital dunning me for money I didn't owe, he was very helpful telling me what to do to solve it. Now my husband and I have a wonderful woman lawyer who is also a CPA!

[bebop]

I know in my state he has to provide you transportation since you share a child. you might even get the house and him have to pay at least a portion of it. get the seperation and then contact an attorney.

[Doh2007]

You really need legal advice.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
get the seperation and then contact an attorney.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">agony007, you actually need to get the lawyer first, then get the legal separation. Whatever you do, don't move out of the house without first getting legal advice. This can have ramifications for who gets to keep the house later or it can be considered abandonment of the children.

Since you work in a law firm, that gives you a lot of good connections. Ask the lawyers there who they would recommend for a divorce attorney. And then call for a meeting. Quick!

Super glue every lock on the car slash the tyres scratch it up the sides hand him the keys and say its yours.

Then put in for the divorce.

Some people get up my nose he is one of them.

[agony007]

now he says he doesnt mean it. he says i can keep the car. that he wouldnt take it away from me. he was upset that i consulted with an attorney. but he got over it. i think knowing that i consulted with an attorney made it to real for him. but it is what it is. this is the real deal. and i am going to consult with an attorney for the seperation as we do not meet any grounds for divorce in my state as yet. he is still trying to act like we are together. i am trying to be as patient as i can be but he really needs to get the point that this relationship is over.

[sunrise]

agony, I'm glad you spoke with an attorney. Do you live in the U.S.? Did you know that in all states you can get a "no fault divorce" and so you don't have to show grounds for divorce?

Here's a little reference that explains about No Fault vs. Fault divorces:
http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/obje...8/246/222/FAQ/

Anyway, if you really want a divorce, you can ask your lawyer about "no fault" divorce. I actually don't even know which kind I am getting, but there are grounds for divorce in my case, but we may be doing no fault. I don't know, the issue has never come up with my lawyer. I don't think in our case it matters. We are doing collaborative, but I am going to be the petitioner (the one who asks the court for a divorce).

I'm glad you and your H have resolved the car issue. I hope it will be the first of many agreements between you in this process.

[Perna]

Sunrise; learn about the fault/no-fault! It matters, even in your case; but many states have rules that go along with getting a no-fault (living apart X number of months, etc.) and it can be extremely important who files (is petitioner) as what county they petition in in what state, can make a different.

My husband and I had to move to the next county over and my husband file first (all as he was counselled by his lawyer) to make sure his wife couldn't get alimony for life, etc. like she wanted/expected. The county we moved to had never given it whereas the county we were in and in which she lived had. We moved over to the next county and he bought our house and established residency, etc. and filed first (which automatically made him petitioner).

But all states have grounds; it's just that one of them you can choose is usually something like "irreconcilable differences" but that's a choice of grounds. Here's Maryland's law, for example, obviously #3 is the "no fault" choice but look at all the conditions; that's probably what agony is talking about not meeting yet:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Grounds for Filing: The Bill for Divorce must declare the appropriate Maryland grounds upon which the divorce is being sought. The appropriate lawful ground will be that which the parties agree upon and can substantiate, or that which the filing spouse desires to prove to the court. The divorce grounds are as follows:

The court may decree an absolute divorce on the following grounds:

(1) adultery; (2) desertion, if: (i) the desertion has continued for 12 months without interruption before the filing of the application for divorce; (ii) the desertion is deliberate and final; and (iii) there is no reasonable expectation of reconciliation; (3) voluntary separation, if: (i) the parties voluntarily have lived separate and apart without cohabitation for 12 months without interruption before the filing of the application for divorce; and (ii) there is no reasonable expectation of reconciliation; (4) conviction of a felony or misdemeanor in any state or in any court of the United States if before the filing of the application for divorce the defendant has: (i) been sentenced to serve at least 3 years or an indeterminate sentence in a penal institution; and (ii) served 12 months of the sentence; (5) 2-year separation, when the parties have lived separate and apart without cohabitation for 2 years without interruption before the filing of the application for divorce; (6) insanity if: (i) the insane spouse has been confined in a mental institution, hospital, or other similar institution for at least 3 years before the filing of the application for divorce; (7) cruelty of treatment toward the complaining party or a minor child of the complaining party, if there is no reasonable expectation of reconciliation; or (8) excessively vicious conduct toward the complaining party or a minor child of the complaining party, if there is no reasonable expectation of reconciliation. (Maryland Code - Family Law Chapter - Section: 7-103)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[sunrise]

Thanks for the info, Perna. I'll ask my lawyer. What I know so far about my divorce (we haven't filed yet) is that:

1) I will be the petitioner and he will be the respondent. (This is important to me as I strongly want out of this marriage and it feels empowering to me to be the petitioner. at one point in the process my H's lawyer changed this without telling anyone to have us both be petitioners. GRRRRR. My lawyer made him change it back. Just check with us first, buddy.)
2) we will file for divorce jointly, called a "joinder" (saves legal fees for one thing)
3) I have never been asked what grounds I had by either my lawyer or his, so I am assuming we are doing no fault. If they need a reason, they can use adultery! (I just looked it up online, and there is only no fault divorce in 15 states and mine is one of them. It sure makes life simpler. When you get a divorce, there are so many other issues, I'm glad this isn't another one for me. Divorce is painful and gutwrenching enough as it is!) Link to table of states' grounds for divorce (at bottom of page): link
4) there is no minimum time of separation requirement here
5) alimony here is determined by the length of the marriage. The standard is 1 year alimony for every 4-5 years of marriage. (I am not sure I will take alimony as my lawyer thinks I should pursue a larger settlement instead.) It is unheard of here to give alimony for life!!!

Perna, that really sounds like a pain just to have to move to a different county to do your H's divorce. I'm glad it is all behind you.

[Perna]

I read there was "no fault" in all states like you said, just that it's worded slightly differently and some have additional rules like the no living together, etc. I was surprised too because Maryland's petitioner/respondent is called something else too.

Actually Maryland's so small moving to the next county wasn't a hardship and we found a house we liked so the moving from apartment to house was fine; and the divorce is almost 20 years ago; this Memorial Day will be our 19th year engagement day.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
I read there was "no fault" in all states like you said,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, all states have a no fault option, but in 15 states your ONLY choice is no fault, such as mine. Yeah, the vocab is different from state to state. In mine, we don't have "alimony." It's called "spousal maintenance."

Happy 19 yr engagement, Perna! (in advance)

agony, what's new? Hope things are going well.

[agony007]

sunrise,
thanks for asking. no things are not well. they have taken a turn for the worst. my hub is becoming more unstable and at this point i dont know if i feel safe around him. i know all the legal things i can do to get away from him. for some reason i feel guilty taking any actions against him as i do not want to compromise his job. cause reality is that without a job he'll never get out of my house. i know my safety should come first but i cant find it in my heart to take legal action against him.