[PufNStuf]

I'm just having the worst day with the ED. I know I don't have to say much to convey what I'm feeling here. It's like I look in the mirror and just see something totally different...like a totally different image. I don't think it's BDD...maybe. I see a much larger me than other people prob. see. I think I was so used to being so thin that the weight I have put on to get me healthy is just...god. Hard for me to accept or deal with.

I hate that none of my stellar wardrobe fits. BF took me out to Vegas last year and got me a whole new wardrobe! A girl's dream (well, it was great) - and I can't. wear. any. of. it. I usually sit around the house in ratty sweatpants, anyway. I only go out a few times a week =P

Like, GOD. Please don't think this is snotty...I went from feeling horrible about myself, being broke and depressed to having the time, money, etc. to eat right and take care of myself - all because of luck. Not because I did anything to "deserve it". Imagine my horror at not being able to control myself after I get the 1 in a million chance of living the life I've always dreamed of. And I can't enjoy it because I obsess about my weight/food. I'm having to learn how to actually eat like a regular person because the bipolar isn't cutting my appetite like it used to. I'm living on a lot of veggies so I can still feel full...but then I'm constantly thinking about food because I have to eat more frequently...and plan it. Used to, I'd ignore it for days, then I could eat whatever I wanted and enjoy the heck out of it =(

Sometimes I just wish my bipolar wasn't under control so my weight would be controlled with the depression =( That's awful, isn't it.

I want to scream. I hate that I have so little self control. I hate that I can't be happy with where I'm at...I mean...really?!?! Everything else is great and all I can do is be miserable about being healthy. Oh boy.

Why can't I be grateful for everything going on in my life and everything I have?! The weight I've gained is no big deal for the average person. It feels earth-shattering for me.

[Lisa Michelle]

I actually know how you feel, to an extent. I've recently recovered from anorexia and I'm finding the weight gain hard to deal with too.
Have you tried exercise? I've decided to use that, myself, as a method to tryyyyy to feel better about my body, but in a HEALTHY way. I think it helps that I do admire athletic bodies so I am now aspiring to be more toned, rather than aspiring to be 'skinny'.
I'm beginning to appreciate my body more, realising all the things I CAN do (walk, for example) that I take for granted.

I think it's important for you to feel well emotionally. It's one thing to get your weight in a safe and healthy place but the mind has to follow. It's just as important to be healthy in your mind as in your body. Are you recieving treatment/therapy? Perhaps working on things like self esteem would make you enjoy yourself more? I'm just assuming that because I know that would help me. I've been in situations in my life that I also "should" have enjoyed, but I felt so bad inside that I didn't. I lived a whole year in the most beautiful city ever, and I couldn't truly appreciate it, I stayed indoors and cried so much and felt so anxious. Whatever your outward situation, you have to feel well INSIDE. And you deserve that!
I don't think there is any shame in saying "I don't know how to be happy/ok" and asking for help. Sometimes we know our lives and our minds need improving but we don't know HOW, and I think it's ok to get guidance from somebody who knows that kind of stuff. In other words, therapy could help... do you have a therapist? Do they help? I just started with a new therapist today and feel pretty inspired that I CAN improve.

I hope you feel better today (seems you posted this yesterday). x

[Kirol]

Hm, I understand it can be hard. I think we're all in the same boat here on this forum, eh?
I'm still trying to recover from Anorexia, and still sometimes partake in purging.
I have BDD, and what you're describing sounds to me like borderline BDD, stemmed from the fear of becoming fat.
It's 'protection' subconsciously. Best thing to do is talk it over with your GP, see what they say.
Also, as Lisa said, try to exercise normally. Maybe get a job that involves a lot of exercise (I'm a waiter, involves a lot of running around. Helps to no end) and keep yourself fit.
The more you burn, the more you can eat.
Maybe what you need to do is not try to lose weight, not try to gain it, but work out how much you need to eat/do to stay the same.
That should be a good starting point, lacking the guilt of losing more and yet stemming the fear of putting more on.
Hope this helps, eh!

[Kirol]

Hm, I understand it can be hard. I think we're all in the same boat here on this forum, eh?
I'm still trying to recover from Anorexia, and still sometimes partake in purging.
I have BDD, and what you're describing sounds to me like borderline BDD, stemmed from the fear of becoming fat.
It's 'protection' subconsciously. Best thing to do is talk it over with your GP, see what they say.
Also, as Lisa said, try to exercise normally. Maybe get a job that involves a lot of exercise (I'm a waiter, involves a lot of running around. Helps to no end) and keep yourself fit.
The more you burn, the more you can eat.
Maybe what you need to do is not try to lose weight, not try to gain it, but work out how much you need to eat/do to stay the same.
That should be a good starting point, lacking the guilt of losing more and yet stemming the fear of putting more on.
Hope this helps, eh!

[PufNStuf]

Hey guys,

I really appreciate your comments and help. Kirol, I've long suspected I have some form of BDD...I've never really discussed it. I denied, denied, denied. But it's true - when I look in the mirror I see something much larger than what other people see. It's very baffling to me. My psych. is 4 hours away (you wouldn't believe how many people up here can't find a doc...there's a severe shortage where I live).

I honestly haven't felt like getting in the car and driving that long. My mom lives where my doc is...and I've felt so guilty about my BPII (she's the one I call hysterical....poor mom) that I'm anxious to see her.

I'm struggling a lot with the E/D today, again. BF took me shopping the other day...and I whined and tried to get out of it...what girl does that?! I was so depressed...funny enough, a sales person turned that around for me...a guy in the store was putting things in a room for me...and overheard me tell BF i just didn't see anything I like (which is uncommon in that store...it's my favorite). The sales guy asked me my size in a certain outfit and I just looked at him, told him what size I thought, and said "I'm really having a fat day and I feel just horrible about it" and he said "Girl, I feel you. I really do." It kinda made me feel better and I ended up buying a lot of black =p HAH!

(Secretly, I think they know who I am and that I'll buy quite a bit...maybe the sales people exchange that info. Hah. That's paranoid.)

I dunno. BF is now dieting...which is good, in a way. None of the tempting foods are around. I'm eating a plate of spinach instead of pretzels, etc.

Kirol, mine has morphed from bulimia in high school (I had to make weight for a sport. It was awful. I think that policy should be outlawed...and classes of weight divided by another means). Then it was using a medication for an appetite supressant (of course, Adderall - Rx legally to me since I was 7...I always hated it. I think it "broke" my appetite regulator). Now Im anorexic/binger. (anorexia only sets in with depression - from bipolar 2). Now that I'm feeling a lot better with a BP medication, I don't have long episdoes of not eating...and I'm gaining weight. God.

I secretly wish I could go back to purging, except there's no privacy in my house. BF would figure it out quickly...and then I'd be shipped off to some retreat somewhere.

Granted, I'm sure it would be a nice place, but I like...don't feel ready to face it. Is that weird? I don't want to get rid of it...I'm terrified I'll blow up (weight wise) if I deal with the issues healthily.

I also turned down a photo shoot I was supossed to have today...I just couldn't even fake self confidence today.

Lisa, thank you also for your input. Sometimes I feel like I live in such a different world than most girls (save the ones in the spotlight), that I don't see HOW i could maintain what I do WITHOUT an ED. If that makes sense. Ehh. I promised myself I'd maintain "barbie" until I have kids....and I want that within a couple of years. I'll do my best to never pass down my feelings about weight/fat/etc. I was "really healthy" as a kid...and it kinda scarred me. Once I was thin, I was like "OMG....This is the coolest thing ever!!!"

Anyway. I'm rambling and obviously not all with it today...I'm also PMSing...=(

I don't think I'd be as uptight about it if my BF wern't constantly making comments on people on TV, etc. "Whoa, look at that butt! Thunder thighs!", etc. I just look away for fear of saying something like "And you wonder why I obsess about my weight". I know that's not nice on his part...but I know he doesn't mean it in that way...that he'd love me regardless...but we aren't engaged/married yet...and I know it sounds silly, but I feel as though I can't let go until I've "harpooned the whale". My ex husband/father were also ruthless about weight. Dad had me on a scale when I was 9!!!!

Thanks you guys.