Really Struggling

Ever wonder what we did to deserve this pain in the *** of a disorder? I am so sick of worrying all the time about my size. My boyfriend being in Egypt serving in the military doesn't help out too much either because I never get to see him and he always seems to be drunk or something when he calls! I am exhausted from having to wake up every three hours craving foods. Then, that seems to carry over to the next day, causing me to skip breakfast and maybe even lunch---which probably causes me to eat more that night. It's this ongoing cycle that never ends. I just want to give up so badly. The only thing that keeps me going is college soccer. If I'm not in a healthy weight range then I can't play. But, I often wonder if I'm fine right now or am I too heavy? I was 94 when I was admitted to the hospital and the nutritionist told me my "healthy" weigh range is 120-125. It sucks real bad because I haven't gotten my period back. I am not sure if this is because I work out a lot or what!?!?! The constant thoughts of being fat are driving me insane!

((((((((SeekingFreedom))))))))) I'm so sorry that you are having problems right now. I'm glad that you are talking about it. Do you have other people that you can talk to. Really, I believe the best thing is to talk to someone who understands your issues, like a therapist. Hang in there.

I am moving to Mississippi for college on Wednesday and have therapist there but I have not been able to locate a nutritionist to make sure that I maintain my weight. I will be playing soccer and working out a lot more so I know that I need a nutritionist. I know that I am feeling this way because everything is hitting me now that I am on my own and it scares the crap out of me. I have been without a therapist and nutritionist for about 2 weeks now so everything is building up. I am just glad that I found you guys to confide in until the move and even during my college years. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one out there. Thanks everyone!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[Freedomseeker}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((((((((((((freedom)))))))))))))
I know the feelings. I struggle all the time. I hope you can find someone to help you.
Vicki

Are your friends supportive of your ED? I can identify with a lot that you're going through -- the ED, gaining weight (I'm 5'2" and 125 now; before I gained 30lbs in 2 months, then lost ten) the constant hunger, amenorhea (no natural period since I was 15), and wanting to give up. I was anorexic when I was 15, then after years of restricting myself with food (counting every single calorie, subtracting even 30 calories from the next day if I went over) and punishing exercise, something inside me stopped holding back the urge to eat, and became bulimic. Being bulemic is the ultimate failure for a past anorexic, but it's a very common cycle. Now I feel like every fear about food that I held as an anorexic has been realized, and besides losing control (again) I'm petrified to even have certain foods around me, knowing that I'll stuff myself with them. Any disorder removes some sort of normalcy from your life, and the worst that I've found is when you're socializing with friends and they offer you food. When I was anorexic or restricting I would always make up an excuse, and then feel superior to my friends because I wasn't eating. Now I try to act "normal" and accept a chip or something, and I end up eating the whole bowl.
I can sympathise with your struggles. Something that can help is to eat small meals with PROTEIN every three hours. I'm also guilty of eating very little during the day, then eating lots more at night. But any body recovering from an ED is in crisis mode, and you probably know about limitations that you're putting on your metabolism by not feeding yourself regularly, too. Good luck with soccer this year!
Jessie

Thanks Jessie. My friends back at home are very supportive of my recovery. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has a rd time keeping his foot out of his mouth, but that is another story for some other time...Since soccer has begun, I find myself eating a lot more protein as well as snacking through out the day and have not woken up at night. I am so exhausted by the end of the day that I just crash and sleep like a baby, which is wonderful! I still have my fear foods (i.e. doughnuts, fried things, pizza, cookies) that I try to stay away from because I either become very anxious/nervous around them for two reasons: I'll overendulge on them or they just make me nautious looking at them. It really hasn't been as much as a struggle as I thought it was except for the fact that I am just eating turkey and cheese sandwiches and salads because the things they are serving are fear foods or foods that I know the caloric content of, which turns me off from them. Hopefully I'll get sick of my sandwiches and turn to something different! Thanks again for the advice and support.

no problem -- it seems like we're going through much of the same stuff (I'm becoming so anxious about moving back to college for the fall, purely b/c of the food). I've been in a food rut all summer: I eat chicken & salad & sprouted-grain rolls for lunch and dinner, with very little variation from the scheme because when I vary my diet, I tend to overeat. I know that two months I wasn't ready to "treat" myself to an occasional doughnut (I tried, & failed again & again). Maybe when you're recovering from an eating disorder it's not so bad to be in a healthy food rut -- as long as you can start to develop on your "rut" diet, adding new things, so it doesn't become just another way of weilding control. Anytime you need to talk, just PM me; or, my e-mail is jesseryn@hotmail.com. I know how frustrating it is to go through an ED, & how hard it is to accept yourself afterward.

Thanks for your response! Best Wishes.

~Jessie