[eskimocfc]

When i was at school i used to eat an apple a day and was of course underweight. I didnt realise i had a problem though it started off with my friends not eating in the day so i never. They never had a problem they just ate if they had money or when the got home.

In school i always got people saying to me 'urgh your too thin' teachers telling me to eat or put on weight. Yet i didnt realise what i was doing and thought i was naturally that skinny. But i tried to put weight on and managed half a stone before giving up and going back to not eating as no one noticed when i did put weight on. I was also exercising even when it was 40degrees in the summer.

After i left school i started eating more, ive been slim my whole life. But i started eating more when i was 18 out of boredom.I still looked slim but i felt sick of how i looked and started the cycle of eating nothing for days then binge eating and throwing it all up.

I thought i finally got over that but i dont think it will ever go away. i still throw up even when ive hardly ate. my teeth are eroding. It hurts to vomit now and i get nosebleeds when i do. But i cant stop. And when i try to eat i just looked at my mum eating who is overweight and it makes me feel sick. I dont want to be overweight like her :/ and my whole family eats unhealthy and im terrified of ending up like that and overweight.

Ive been through ALOT growing up abuse etc and am a narssicist and i think its what caused this. I blame my mum for my eating disorder. Growing up she would say i had a fat *** and my sister would tell me i was greedy when i ate which led me to not being able to eat in front of people. im slowly recovering from all of that except the vomit and starving myself. I have body dismorphia and wouldnt leave the house when i was younger because i thought i looked repulsive. Im convinced my mum is trying to make me fat. Shes that type of person always encouraging me to eat junk and if i finally do she slags me off to everyone and to my face.

I just need help with the vomiting though. i think. Everytime i eat something thats has more than a few hundred calories i throw it up. And im scared my hearts going to give out. :/ how do i stop. I WONT eat meals. I rather pick through the day. And i like it to be healthy but sometimes i need junk or i feel like im going to pass out.

Im sorry ive rambled on for ages and this is the first time i explained my eating disorder to anyone and have tried to shorten it as much as i can and have left alot more out. I just need some help but i dont want anyone to find out

[flawlessimperfectionsmft]

It would be best for you to tell someone. As hard as that is it will greatly help you. I'm so sorry for all you are going through. There is a thread somewhere in the Eating Disorder Forum that talks about telling people I'm pretty sure. Telling anyone will help. Even if it is just a friend. Choose wisely however because you want to feel safe with them. I wish the best of luck to you sweetheart. If you need to vent more on here go ahead! We will listen!

[trixielou]

yeah vent it all out i feel for u cuz it sounds like u feel so alone. well ive been at both ends of the spectrum with ed & my weight & i have always felt like im worthless unless i look a certain way. its really sad. is there anyone for u who is a close trustworthy helpful person. i know those are hard to come by u seem to be crying out 4 help & that can be so messed up if ur around mind game controlling people who obviously need help too. yeah & all the way back to school years there are teachers who would rather show off in front of the girllies & like they made comments at my expense in front of the whole class askin me if im losin weight by throwin up instead of pulling me to the side & talking with me. hits close to home lots of built up anger dont let anyone say or do anything to get in your way

[eskimocfc]

I know its sad like i dont think im ever going to be happy with how i look and i wish i could tell my family but they wouldnt care. Or they would force me to eat and not try to talk about it. They dont want to hear about peoples problems or if they're upset etc. I feel like im being dramatic alot of the time..like today im absolutely fine and havent thrown up for a few days.

I tell my boyfriend quite alot of my problems and hes the only person ive ever told stuff too, but i dont feel like he understands. and like im annoying him :/ i know i need to tell people about my probelms though. ..But then they might try to make me to stop and that worries me soo much :S

Im sorry im rambling again. Its just very confusing. Ive always been brought up not to talk about stuff and my family dont want to know. Then my boyfriend trys to encourage me to talk and i have both sides in my ear and i dont know who to listen to. All i know is i need to get better. And escape everyone. My head feels like its going to explode and when i get stressed i dont eat and i puke. I just wish someone would take me away from everything and talk to me and so i could recover.