[jofomodosho]

For the last couple of years now i have been obsessing about my weight, realistically if i look at my body from a bias point of veiw i am not of an unreasonable size atal, i just feel fat, in my head i am 'fat'. i wish i could go back to try and stop the obsession about being thinner before it started because its getting worse. i dont enjoy or taste food really and on occassion i do i feeel discusting, i fell discusting when im hungry when my body wants food. I probably have such a waprped veiw of food because of a nuber of contributing factors, my mum (who has paid not much of a part in my life due to her own issues, i live with my grandma) is a yoyo dietor, she is obsessed with becoming thinner, she would binge uncontrolably and then fast for periods of time well try to anyway, i have rently made the dessionion to cut all contact of with my mum, im putting me first for once as having her in my life she is dragging me down, i dont need it right now in my life. i have low selfesteem i hate feeling like im not good enough and inadiquite, and have barley any stability in my life, the media image of how girls have to be stick thin is most probably a contributing factor to the way i feel abou my body, i was bullyed for being 'fat' ang ugly and perhaps due to other events in my life having an impact on my apitite, i came out as gay about 10 months ago now and beforehand had a rough 'relationship' if you would call it a relationship with a woman much older than me. i try to aviod eating and i skip meals, if i eat when im alone i self induce vomit like from school i will go to the shop buy food i dont evan like and then vomit it back up when i get home. sometimes i struggle keeping food down and just thinking about how much and what i have ate makes me rench involunterly. i am in councilling at the moment and have got alot better from what i was, i am a very anxious, paranoid person i used to suffer quite bad from panic attacks, they arnt so bad now and im getting better, im just so fed up with hating myself. i am in a stable loving relationship now and im so so in love with my girlfriend, she has bulimia and has had for quite a few years, she is seeking help for it, we are just dragging each other down and for her sake i dont want to continue the way im going. i know im going to get better the road is just qoing to be rough, at leat i can say that now because a couple of months ago i didnt see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[pacific90]

Talk to other people with the same problem and maybe a counsellor of some sort and they can recommend people you can talk to. It's what I have heard to help people who struggle.

[jofomodosho]

thank you pacific90, yes maybe i should ask my councillor at my next session where to go from here and hopefully i can get some help from it. much thanks again

[Ambiguous]

Well my dear, I see that under your pain and discomfort, you are VERY proud of who you are. There is strength in that. I can relate to you on that and on what it feels like to pick up a fork. I lost a lot of weight quickly, I feel it important not to say how on this forum board. Society does placate this image of womanhood and has caused many people heart ache over it. I fell victem to it as well. I first viewed it as a way to be more attractive and healthy. It grew from there into an obsesion to the point of becoming unhealthy. I began loosing hair my teeth wiggled in my mouth... If you are not to this point turn around now it only compounds the focus you have on your self. I woke up one day and saw the wreakage I was creating inturnally and externally and decided to change it. Much like you are doing now by posting here. It is not easy to untrain your self of habit that you have built but you can do it. Start looking into eating healty as an alternative... Reasearch what really is healthy for you find out how many calories you body needs at it's target ratio. This keeps your mind focused on the same things but dirrects it to possitive results instead of detramental ones. Start focusing your attention on possitive aspects of your personallity, gain insights from them and apply them to all areas of your life. IMPORTANT: If others want you to be something ask your self this question. Who am I changing my life for, and is it a healty change? I hope this helps, we all approach life from many different angles. I just wanted to say that you are not the only one that has ever faced this and you are not stuck. I made it out, you can too.

Ambiguous

(Excuse my spelling it's part of my charm)

[jofomodosho]

thank you ambiguous your respose is very, very, very much apriciated. reading your response has given me hope that things will get better. i think to be honest i just need an attitude make-over in all aspects of my life, i know if i dropped my pesamistic attitude i would move forward and have a much better pespective on things, i am my own worst ememy, the only person holding me back and pushing me further under is me. I know what the media percieves to be beautiful affects alot of people deeply (women most comonly i have found) as realistically very few are size 0. and yes focusing on the possitive aspects of my life would be a good more productive idea insted of wallowing unintentionally in my own self pitty. much thanks again

Jofomodosho

[Ambiguous]

No problem, I am glad you found peace in my words. If you sink into a Valley or are standing on a Mountain top feel free to share the view.

Ambiguous