Newbie needs help!

I am new to PsychCentral and have struggled with an anorexia/bulimia for 8 years. I have had three children in that time frame and I always was able to use them as my motivation for eating more healthy while pregnant and nursing. Yet I only gained 15 lbs each pregnancy because I was terrified of anymore weight. Well after my last child I had my tubes tied and am done having children and since then I feel like I have lost any reason to take care of my body. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year and had a dozen rounds of steriroids which caused me to gain weight and then was in the hospital two weeks after surgery and they wouldnt let me go home if I didn't eat properly. Now I cant even stand to look at myself in the mirror because what I see discusts me and makes me want to die! I have been cutting my calories down, infact so far today I have eaten nothing, and I am working out 1-2 hours a day every day. I just want to be the sexy wife I know my husband wants and a beautiful mother for my kids. I also cut because I hate myself so much and can't handle all the feelings I have inside! I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and neither know about the eating problems. I have been diagnosed with Major Deppressive Disorder and OCD and SI. I just dont think I can tell them because I am not ready to stop, I have to get to my desiered weight! I have to or I am afraid I will do something more harmful to myself! Please help!

Welcome to PsychCentral!

Please do tell your therapist and/or psychiatrist about your eating problems. They're there to help, and they can't help you fully unless you're totally honest with them. Do you really want to get to your desired weight, or would you rather be healthy? Unfortunately an eating disorder isn't really healthy and it's damaging. I think your husband and kids would rather that you were healthy over being skinny and unhealthy and risking your life.

All that being said, dealing with an eating disorder isn't easy, so it's very corageous that you're reaching out for support. I think part of you realizes that you do want to stop, but it takes a lot to get to that point of being able to actually stop.

I hope you continue to post, but I really hope that you talk with your therapist. We're not a good replacement for actual face-to-face help and we're only a supportive community of people and not professionals.

Welcome again!

It's hard to talk to a T because then you know you will be accountable. But I hope you do. You can get to a healthy weight in a healthy way.

I have kids and a husband too. I was anorexic in my teens and early adult. This is my first relapse. It's hard because it seems like I am too old for this, or I am being dramatic. But talk to your therapist. The longer it goes on the harder it is to work with. Beside what you eat/ don't eat really affects your mood. Look how cranky our kids get when they are hungry.

Maggy Jo

Welcome and glad you found us!

With the issues that you have mentioned it sounds like you have your hands full. I am glad that you are seeing people that can help you professionally ‘keep it up‘. Honesty is the only way to get good results though, so talk to them. By posting here I see that you are trying internally as well reaching to all avenues available. We all look for tools to aid us in bettering our lives, I am glad that you have acknowledged that and are looking for the results. Stop your self for a moment and allow your self to see that you are making positive changes. Just a little bit of praise coming from our selves goes along way. The person responsible for your success is you. Try not to look outward for what others need from you. The best gift of any kind comes without strings attached and from your heart.

I hope this helps a little