[wisewoman]

I have an eating disorder. Truth be told, as a child I only ever got one meal a day and except for pregnancy that has mostly followed me in adult life. My weight is stable, which I find fascinating. But, I eat usually a bananna 2-3 times a day. That's it. Sometimes I will have brown rice or oatmeal. I have horrid IBS. I do nibble on veggies now and again.

I started speaking with T about it and truth is, I don't want to. It's a power thing. I feel like i have some control. Twisted thinking. I think I gave up SI and started this seriously. I don't have any desire to change it. I am not worried about my health, I usually drink tons of water. I sneak a sweat now and again. Rarely as I pay for it big time later. So, that's my truth. The good part is that I am a very cheap keeper and can live on $10.00 of food a week. Wish the rest of the family would catch on. Just kidding.

Thought maybe putting it in writing would help me to look at it in different ways. It's been a year and a half.

[backandforth]

((((((wisewoman)))))) eehhh... that's not good. but then again you know that. I understand what you're going through, how it is a way to be in control of something at least, right? and as you said, they don't catch on anyways, well at least it seems this way. but I sometimes ask myself, do they really not know? I think people know, espec. those close to you. They may not know the extent of this but they must realize that you don't eat 3 meals/day or eat meals w/ them, even occasionally...right? and you're right. why stop. if it's not hurting you now then it seems like it's okay. if it's hurting you in the end, well maybe it'll make up for all the pain in the past & present.... BUT this is where you have to realize that having an ed also means you think in somewhat twisted ways. I do that, knowing it's not okay for everyone else, but justifying it for myself. realizing it's a problem but then wanting to keep it from everyone else at all costs. coming from an objective opinion though, hun, it's going to catch up with you sooner or later. wouldn't you want to live a life where you wouldn't feel the need to be in this much control? as much satisfaction as it brings, on some level, it also takes away a lot.... joy, time w/ family/friends, your health, your time, focus..... I don't know what to tell you besides that you're not alone, I'm sure others will have more to say as they know you, but I just wanted to let you know that when you are ready, there is help and meanwhile, you're still you, and if you need support re: this you know where to go..... I do hope that one day you want to get better, b/c I don't think any amount of caing or begging or help will help until YOU make that decision.

[wisewoman]

Backandforth, it's not even anything I want to discuss in real life. My son has really noticed. Some days I take in food. I did today, I had a grilled cheddar with wheat and tomatoe.I also nibbled on a bit of pizza when I got to my friend's home. It's harder for me when I am around people. I really spend a lot of time alone. It is just my need to run my body the way I want. My digestive system is sensitive and is letting me know the the grease/butter, whatever is not agreeing with me. I am not real concerned. I had been taking vits until I got esophogitis from Biaxin again. I couldn't tolerate the vits at all. I am going back on my supplements. I want to be healthy and strong. I can at least make sure I am getting the vitamins and minerals. It's been a pattern for a million years so,,,, Thanks

[backandforth]

I know that you don't want to discuss it in real life... but on some level, even though it works for you, you do want to let people know that you have an ed, right? hence this post? I mean if you truly believed it was as healthy as it is it wouldn't be called an ed. Did you let your T know? Or did s/he suspect something? Talking to him/her about this doesn't necessarily mean you'll be forced to give up everything... I think that is a big part of not wanting to talk about it.. and then believing it's okay...

I don't mean to badger you by any means, I'm sorry if you got that impression... I just know it's VERY difficult to actually see anything wrong with this if it works. And I do think that as long as the benefits seem to outweigh the costs, it'll be more than difficult to change. If knowing an ed is unhealthy would be enough to stop, then I would have stopped years ago.

You said you want to be healthy... you can't be healthy while having an ed. Everything healthy you try to do sort of only makes up for all the damage or the things you don't do... sure you can eat healthy foods and limit yourself to water etc. but your body and mind need more than that on a continual basis.... the reasons why your body isn't doing too well w/ the butter and grease isn't b/c they're bad, I mean in big quantities they are, but someone can be perfectly healthy and eat butter... your body isn't used to this type of nutrient though and is therefore fighting it... it's like when you don't eat a lot and then try to eat some kind of meal and your stomach feels like it's going to explode...

It's interesting that you brought up the thing about being able to live cheap (in your 1st post), b/c that's exactly what I have used as a justification, almost a thing to be proud of... buuut again, if it comes down to it, I'd rather spend $ on food and be happy and not have to worry about weight, food, social situations all the time than have to deal with this, as much as I don't want to change. Maybe it's not a monetary loss but it's definitely a mental, emotional, social loss.... it's draining....

taking vitamins, nutrients, eating healthy foods when you are eating & drinking water are def. good ways to maintain your body as much as you can, but I wouldn't say they're sufficient by any means.... don't you feel tired? exhausted? drained? moody? like you always have to be in control and plan out everything? I really DO know what you're going through and how difficult it is to break this pattern, any pattern really, but I also know it's never too later, you just truly have to want it.. which I guess is a big part of the problem.

Sweetie,

You need to care for yourself as much as you do for your menagerie.

They need you to be healthy.

So do I.