[Warrioress]

I'm quite new to all this and it's terrifying. I've never been overweight and I KNOW that, but I've been eating very little since Sunday and I've lost weight 3 days. I'm so damn scared, but I'm also pleased with myself in a twisted way. Someone help me. I have no idea what I should do.

Oh and I am NOT going into therapy! I hate therapists. I hate medications. I've had enough experience of both for a lifetime!

[Astridetal]

This could jsut be a phase that will not develop into a full ED, but it could go further indeed. It's good tha tyou're concerned now that you've only done unhealthy eating for a short while. Can you say why you've been eating so little? Is it because you don't feel comfortable with your body, because you want to be skinnier, or is it something about the food tha tyou despise? Figuring out why you restrict is the first step in replacing it with alternatives that are healthier. If you feel like talking about this, feel free to. I have had issues with food for about six months but they haven't developed into a full ED.

[Warrioress]

Thanks Astridetal. That's good news.

I used to cut regularly and these eating habits have kinda replaced that.

I'm not obsessed with my weight and getting skinny, but it does make me happy when I lose weight, even though my karate teacher says I actually need to GAIN weight.

I start starving myself when my self-esteem is incredibly low and I feel weak and worthless compared to others and hate myself very much. It's like not eating draws an invisible bubble around me. Concentrating on food and calories takes my mind off the things in the outside world that bother me.

[Pretty_Thin]

I've had an eating disorder for 7 years, and I have to urge you to try and find alternative methods to dealing with your feelings. Because if this is a coping mechanism all that will result from this is you feeling worse. Living with an ED has made my life hell and I would love to just go back to when I didn't hate myself. But once it's developped it's too late for that. Please, don't wait for it to be too late for you, I would hate for you to go through all the horrible things ED's make you do and feel.
Take care of yourself, both of you <3

[Warrioress]

Thanks for replying PT and what's more, thanks for caring. I'm really sorry that you've suffered from ED for so long. I hope things getter for all of us ASAP.

And as for the fact that "If this is a coping mechanism all that will result from it is me feeling worse" (yes, I said fact!) I know. I've experienced it already

I'll try not to let it get too late. I'll try. I HAVE to try, but I'm not sure how much success I'll have. I simply cannot go for professional help. I'll have to manage on my own and that's not very easy

EDIT: and btw to PC

[eskielover]

It's sad that you aren't able to go for professional help. I know I have FINALLY found wonderful professional help. The DBT group that my psychologist suggested my getting involved in is so wonderful at providing information on skills that really help is dealing with distress when it hits & learning about how to deal with emotions & recognize them in the first place has been so valuable in dealing with my weight loss eating issues (have been treated for anorexia in the hospital too many time already).

It is sad that you aren't able to take advantage of the wonderful therapy that is now available. Wish the first time in 1995 (when I needed help with stress & depression) & the second time in 2005 (when was dealing with a trauma) which turned into very serious anorexia , that they would have had this wonderful therapy available or known about by the poor psychologists that I was going to.

Maybe you can work through some of the online DBT information that is available & talk through some of it here....it's not the same but better than nothing & definitely better than allowing any ED to get control of your life.

[crhe0801]

Please do not do this to yourself!!! I have had an "ED" for 6 years and I wish everyday that I could have known when I started where it would lead me, because I would never have choose this!!! I hate my life, and myself more than I can say. I have been in treatment twice and both times I ended right back where I started!!

[Warrioress]

Thanks a bunch for the information eskielover. Truth is I'm a proud b!tch. I despise the idea of going to someone and asking for help and the worst kind of help to ask for is psychological and emotional help (well, no, in fact asking to borrow money is much more humiliating but you get my point). I can't even imagine seeing a therapist. I've been to pdocs and therapists for my bipolar disorder, but ED is worse. BP is something that originates in the brain and because of unbalanced amounts of chemicals, but ED is really personal. It involves your deepest and darkest fears. Moreover, none of them ever really cared or understood. I always had a feeling that they look down on me; that they think I'm weak and/or silly

Thanks for the warning crhe. You are evidently in a difficult situation. No one would like to be there. I certainly don't. But right now I can relate so strongly to the Fiona Apple lyric in my signature that indeed it hurts

[eskielover]

I appreciate the psychologist that I go to now. She is the first one that I can sit down with & logically talk through the things that are bothering me & yes, sometimes the tears come out, but there is always LOGICAL discussion that goes with them. She provides wonderful input so that it ends up being a good logical discussion. I was a firmware engineer for 15 years in my career & logic is the only thing that works with me & having discussions to work things through was what work was all about also.

All the other psychologists just sat there & listened without offering any logical discussion to talk through......I was absolutely shocked when I found that there are good psychologists out there. Added to that is the DBT group where we all can discuss what we are going through & the leader helps us understand how to apply the skills that seem to be missing in all our lives......things we should have been taught growing up to be functional in life but even our parents had no concept of....how can one teach others what they don't know? It's wonderful finding a place where I can interface with people who do know & then am able to apply other aspects of my life & see how well they really fit in the whole picture.

Wish it hadn't taken me 50+ years to learn this....but better late than never.

Unfortunately, I have found that lack of sleep & lack of food make it impossible to function as it spirals downward. It may not effect your work or your life initially, but the problem is that it degrades us physically while we aren't looking & then wham, all of a sudden, it's almost too late as any addiction ends up being. Not eating one gets addicted to the hunger feeling.....which is all part of the ED also.

I understand, when there isn't love in our life & we don't feel cared about by others & there isn't anyone there in our life to love, there is an inside hurt that just doesn't go away & sometimes the pain of the hunger/starvation does mask the hurt from the lack of love.

I know that my first experience with anorexia was when I lost my career & realized that my marriage had been horrible from the beginning & I really had NOTHING in my life at the time & controlling my not eating was the only thing I had any control over & watching the weight fall off was nothing but a strong feeling of control......for me it was the stress of the situation that triggered it because I always lost weight when I got stressed......so it just fell into place for me at that time. None of the therapy even helped me to recognize this....all things I realized years later looking back & thinking on my own.

It's really not worth the medical issues that come with the anorexia.....central lines & IV nutrition are the worst (chose that over feeding tubes). The heart issues that happen along with the changes it does to your body's chemistry......all things you need to look at if you think you really want to go there before you allow yourself to really think that it's only about hunger hurting.....the other pains & illness that come from it go way beyond that & one doesn't have to get there to appreciate how bad it really is.

Interesting, because most think it's weak & silly NOT TO ASK FOR HELP & really respect those who are willing to ask for the help they need. Sorry that you didn't see that aspect of T, but it's something that I have truly come to understand now that I have found wonderful T that really does care for the people see.

Wishing you the best with this as ED is a very serious situation you are dealing with here.

[Warrioress]

I'm glad you've found a good T eskielover. Thanks for sharing your experiences.