[ickydog2006]

*TRIGGER Graphic about purging*

I haven't purged in a few years, but I've been steadily gaining weight for the past two years. Food is comforting and sometimes I feel like it's the only thing keeping me from self injury and from going crazy with questioning reality and memories and hallucinations. The last few days I have been dieting and completely obsessing about food and tonight I decided to blow it. I've been trying to keep it at around 1000 calories a day. For dinner I probably ate double that. I could use the excuse that the weather is miserable out and driving related anxiety kept me from grocery shopping and getting healthy food options, and yes those things are true, but I think I was having one of those self sabatoging breakdowns. We moved a few months ago, and the drain in our shower is really slow and easily blocked up, but that's the only place I knew I could purge without my husband knowing, so I started purging into a cup I use to help bathe my son, then sifted it through my hands to make sure I could get it all down the drain. Then just as I was gearing up for round two, my husband comes in and asks if he can join me. My mind is screaming no, so what does my mouth say, yes! As he got in I was trying to rinse out my mouth so he wouldn't smell it on my breath. He kept trying to talk to me and I'm trying not to breathe forcefully and my throat was killing me from the purging. Thankfully, I had an excuse to stay in longer than him and since we were planning on watching a movie tonight, I had him go set it up. Went back to purging, I still want to get more out, but I know he would've started getting suspicious at how long I was taking. Repeated process to keep drain unclogged (really need to get some drain cleaner just to keep things okay). I feel so out of shape when it comes to purging, like I could barely get enough out and it use to take so much more to get my throat sore. I can't sleep. Maybe I should go run on the treadmill. My stomach is all knotted though and pms has hit so I'm having really bad cramps (which just made purging harder). I feel so full. I just want it all out. So yeah, got out of shower, tried not to make a big deal out of brushing my teeth. Drank some water. Felt like a smoker trying to get my breath fresh and hide the smell. I know I should feel guilty about purging... but I don't. I feel guilty about hiding it from my husband. I'm going to try and get him to take me grocery shopping tomorrow. Maybe if I fill the house full of diet food and healthy stuff, it will be easier. I just want to lose some weight (I am overweight, but would be considered in the normal range bmi wise if I dropped about 10-15lbs). I know if I successfully start losing weight I won't stop there, but I don't care right now. And I'm going nuts laying here, must go check scale. Hopefully tonight didn't totally blow my last few days of hard work. It's so hard to diet and not go back to bulimic or anorexic, but dies that mean I shouldn't diet. Maybe I shouldn't, but I need to lose this weight. It's all I can think about right now. Gah, I feel so broken.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

I know if I successfully start losing weight I won't stop there, but I don't care right now. And I'm going nuts laying here, must go check scale. Hopefully tonight didn't totally blow my last few days of hard work. It's so hard to diet and not go back to bulimic or anorexic, but dies that mean I shouldn't diet. Maybe I shouldn't, but I need to lose this weight. It's all I can think about right now. Gah, I feel so broken.

ID (I feel bad calling you an Icky Dog!)
First, I wanted to tell you that nothing you wrote was new, shocking or horrifying to me -- I've done the same if not worse. You're not alone in the depths to which you will sink because of this disease.

Second, bad news. You cannot diet.

There. I said it. To do so with your history would be the beginning of a long slow suicide, and I don't want that to happen. You don't need to lose weight - you need to lose ED, the eating disorder.

Please work with a nutritionist/dietician to develop a meal plan for you and PLEASE follow it. That means eating when you don't want to and limiting yourself to whatever is on the plan. It's hard as heck; I know that. I'm fighting my way through too, but it sounds like you're so close to the edge of being ok and being all out crazy...I want you to be ok. Feel free to PM me.

Bub

[ickydog2006]

Thanks for replying Bubs. You can call me ID if that makes you more comfortable but don't feel guilty about ickydog, Icky was the name of my dog.
I'm doing a bit better today. I went grocery shopping today so at least my house is full of healthy options now. As long as I can keep from ordering out or going out to eat I think I will be okay. I'm most nervous about my birthday this week because I know I will probably end up binging.

[possum220]

Hiya

I read your other thread too. Crash dieting gets you nowhere. Your body needs nutritious food to lose weight. You have a serious eating disorder, but you don't need me to tell you that. The number on the scales means nothing.

I agree with bubsy.......... You need to see a dietician and a psychologist to deal with this illness.

Please get professional help.

[Woundedheart1]

You are not a bad person! Nor have you done anything wrong! Your just going through the same growing pains anyone with this disease goes through time to time! It's a setback! But you can prevail. I know how you feel. Eventhough I don't purge I try to hide my multiple symptoms and idiosyncrcies from my live in boyfriend. We are all human struggling with a Disease! Just like we were struggling with cancer or diabetes we have setbacks and have to find ways that are going to be manageable at this moment for the time or takes to take the next step! We are all on our own journey of finding what gets us to where we need to be in the time we need to be. There is no set timeframe or timeline that dictates when we need to be there! I gave my boyfriend a book to read so he could better understand me and he appreciates it and is working on wrapping his head around how he can better be there as a support for me and I font have to hide everything from him. I'm also reading my manuscript to him too. It's really growing our relationship. This is such a hard disease to share a not be afraid of people not getting espically those closest too you! Peace goodwill and best of luck!