[SingDanceRunLife]

Back story: I gained a lot of weight from being on my medications, and it made me really uncomfortable and eventually slip into a pattern of disordered eating and starving myself in order to lose weight. No matter what anyone told me about how unhealthy it was and how there are better ways to lose weight etc. I was so set on it that nothing was going to stop me. My therapist and I worked on it a lot, and my psychiatrist changed my medications and fairly recently I got back into a pattern of pretty normal eating.

Jump to yesterday: I went to a ball pilates class and it made me feel absolutely terrible about myself. I kept thinking how out of shape I am even though I have been exercising some (not as much as I would like but I was really depressed for a good chunk of time pretty recently) and also how fat I was since I could see myself in the mirror. Without any thought or real decision my brain automatically went into restriction mode and I restricted my food intake a ton, and a huge chunk of that is that even looking at food made my stomach churn, probably because I'm associating eating with gaining weight and I desperately want to lose weight.

Then today I ran into my God brother at the store and he made a comment about how I've put some meat on my bones and that didn't help any. I've spent the rest of the day thinking about how much of a cow I am and how other people can see it to. And once again, major restriction and stomach churning reaction to food.

I'm scared of where I'm heading. Even though I've had body image issues before, it's never been this bad.

[SingDanceRunLife]

Sunday night I ate an entire falafel and I felt sooo terrible about doing it! I couldn't get over that I was eating fried food, especially after having McDonald's for lunch AND Starbucks! I also felt like I couldn't not finish it because I was afraid it would seem rude or put someone off. But I am restricting myself like crazy and feeling just awful (physically and mentally) and tomorrow when I go to T I'm gonna be like here's what we need to talk about.

[SingDanceRunLife]

My T and I talked about my situation for about half of my session and she said that while right now it's something that can be turned around if I keep heading down this path I'll end up with full blown anorexia and that's not as easily treated. In some ways I want to nip this in the bud but in others I don't want to stop what I'm doing because it's producing results, and that's exactly what I want.

[3141592]

I'm slipping, too---weighing myself multiple times per day, and, although I hate to admit it, am restricting AND purging (although I am trying really really hard not to purge), especially if I eat a carbohydrate (for instance, I ate a potato tonight and had a major purging freak-out). I'm sorry you're going through this, but can really relate, and see myself as a huge, out-of-shape, ugly, supposedly-woman-shaped-but-saggy/etc. person. And I can see myself as continuing down the anorexia trail, because yes--I'm losing weight, and that's what I'm working towards.... (sigh).

[SingDanceRunLife]

Yeah, my T has asked if I purge and the answer is thankfully no. I can't do that...I'm emetophobic so it's just not an option. But it's awful...thinking about eating makes my stomach churn, and actually doing it makes me feel so guilty and also physically ill afterwards. I have eaten exactly once today and will probably only eat a very little before going to bed -- if I'm feeling at all hungry that is.

[SingDanceRunLife]

So I went out to dinner with my family tonight and I got one plate of food, not even full, mostly vegetables with some chicken, and I couldn't even finish it. I was full with about 1/4 of it left. I think I've shrunk my stomach. So now not only do I feel physically ill, I feel super guilty about the amount of food I ate since it's the most I've eaten in one sitting in awhile.

[Dani87]

I can relate too I'm also slipping into my disordered eating patterns as well I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling

[SingDanceRunLife]

Yeah, it sucks. I'm trying hard not to be so bad but it's not easy. For example, I ate a sandwich for lunch today and I'm still feeling awful about it! Ugh. I called the counseling center at school to set up an appointment and am waiting for my counselor to call me back. Hopefully we can get something set up this week.

[ickydog2006]

That's a good step that you are recognizing you have a problem and are seeking help. I'm currently slipping too.

[SingDanceRunLife]

So I went to the gym and burned more calories than I had consumed in the sandwich...and then proceeded to go on with my day for another 2 1/2 hours with only half a Luna bar. I did eat a real dinner though...chicken and broccoli.

[needfixing]

in the morning i can't eat breakfast, so i juice.
instead of skipping a meal, i will make my juices.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I just don't eat. I know it's not good but it's the reality of my situation. I eat when it's necessary and only then.

[Lizabelle]

SDRL, I know you probably already know this, but this is serious. I'm slipping a lot too right now, and it IS hard. Have you been able to talk to someone about this, like your T or counselor? Sounds like it is turning into full-blown anorexicia, which, since I've been/am both bulimic and anorexic, I know is hard to get over. One thing that I've heard helps is settin alarms and at each alarm, eat something small, like a package of peanut butter crackers, or something with protein in it. It should help, and in the meanwhile do try to get some professional help. I'm probably not in the best shape to be giving advice in, but this is all I've got.
Many hugs and good wishes

[SingDanceRunLife]

So after 2 weeks of practically starving myself I cracked last night and semi-binged (I ate more than I normally do in a day, and more than most people would in one sitting). Now I feel awful physically and mentally

I'm seeing the counselor at school who I saw last year on Monday, so I'm getting some professional help soon.

[Lizabelle]

Glad to hear you're getting some help

Hang in there, okay? It'll get better.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I'm trying, but things only seem to be getting worse...

[SingDanceRunLife]

I ate a decent amount yesterday, but only because my roommate cooked dinner and I didn't want to not eat that. I'm having a lot of trouble though. I could barely keep dinner down last night...

[Woundedheart1]

Really slipped! I've been on a downward spiral for a while. I weigh myself numerous times a day again, count calories and restrict to a specific number, clean daily obsessively and have a set "goal" wt in my head I want to achieve. My pdoc and T already want to put me in treatment but I refuse and I have major surgery coming up which I'm looking forward to bc last time I had surgery I lost a bunch of weight! I feel like a wind up doll out of control! I cant stop slipping back into this state of mind and wanting to go off the deep end. I don't know any other way to live that male me feel as safe and comfortable. It's hard to say but true sorry if it triggers.