[Angel4024]

I'm not doing well right now. It's taking everything I have not to binge and purge or take laxatives. But just when I think I'm ok, I'm not. I give in every time. This war in my head is awfull. My therapist, my nutrionist and my doctor all want me in treatment. I don't want to go. I'm working so hard to wean myself off of the laxatives, with no progress what so ever. I'm not sleeping well at nite either. I need support and really no where to go. Seeing my therapist once a week, my nutrionist twice a month and my doctor once a month doesn't seem to be enough. All I think about is controlling my food 24/7. It won't stop. I'm just needing to talk with someone and vent with someone that knows what I'm going through. Having bulimia has become my worst nightmare.

Angel4024

[Aslan]

you are trapped in a mental maze. your thinking is completly
wrong, you need help. controlling your food intake, will not solve
your issues you have with you and the world. please get help.xxx

[Woundedheart1]

Your stuck in a mental cycle mind trap. You need something to break the cycle. Take it from someone who severly abused laxatives they dont help u loose weight. Just fluids. You will drastically alter your enzymes critical to your survival as well as your potassium electrolytes and phosphates. There are not many things more painful than a potassium drip trust me I've had sseveral. The purging is also messing with your electrolytes too. I'm not bulimic but have been in treatment with people who have had serious problems as a result. I know you don't want to go bc you probally feel someone is taking part of your identity away but your at a jumping off point where your symptoms have taken over. Maybe if you upped your sessions with your docs it would be a nrgotiating point to say I'll work with you if I don't have To go I've done that in the past but sometime s we have to bite the bullet and just get the extra help good luck.

[Angel4024]

Originally Posted by Woundedheart1

Your stuck in a mental cycle mind trap. You need something to break the cycle. Take it from someone who severly abused laxatives they dont help u loose weight. Just fluids. You will drastically alter your enzymes critical to your survival as well as your potassium electrolytes and phosphates. There are not many things more painful than a potassium drip trust me I've had sseveral. The purging is also messing with your electrolytes too. I'm not bulimic but have been in treatment with people who have had serious problems as a result. I know you don't want to go bc you probally feel someone is taking part of your identity away but your at a jumping off point where your symptoms have taken over. Maybe if you upped your sessions with your docs it would be a nrgotiating point to say I'll work with you if I don't have To go I've done that in the past but sometime s we have to bite the bullet and just get the extra help good luck.

Lodgically I do understand what your saying, yet at the same time I am so afraid of gaining any weight. I've already lost two hundred lbs and I don't want to go back to where I was. That was miserable there to. Plus now I have had to have 2 total knee replacements recently. My surgeion told me for every extra pound I carry thats an added 3 pounds of pressure added on to each of my knee caps. I still have approx fourty to fifty lbs to take off. I know at what cost? It's this war going on in my head. I look in the mirror and i still see that big fat person I started at approx 2 years ago. I want so bad to stop, yet I still have so far to go to lose the rest of my weight. I'm exhausted, I don't sleep, my peroids are gone, I can't go to the bathroom normally anymore. My doctor told me if I don't start going soon I will have to go and see a gastro specialist. My doctor said if those tests come back abnormally I could end up w/ a colostomy bag. My doctor did blood work. I'm anemic, malnurtished and I had a kidney infection which has since then been cleared up. You think that would stop me and wake me up. Yet I keep going. I don't know how. I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry. I wish someone could just understand, I'm not doing this on purpose, I didn't choose this. I did start losing weight to get healthy a few years ago and it has turned into my worst nightmare. I wish someone could just scoop me up and take care of me during a time when I obvioulsy am unable to care for myself. I've never been so scared in all my life.
Angel4024

[hamster-bamster]

This is truly awful to be going through your experience. But you wrote that you do not sleep. There is research showing that not sleeping will make you put on weight, other things being equal. So the first thing to take care of is getting enough sleep every day. Will help with the mental condition as well. Do you have any medication for sleep, is there anything, like a warm bath at night, that can help you fall asleep, is Melatonin - a pill or two - any helpful? Do you swim? I know nothing about knee replacements, but just from elementary physics I would think that swimming would be awesome for you - simple gentle swimming, not going to the Olympics.

You fear gaining weight==>you need to sleep, not purge. I can understand giving in to purging, but cannot you throw away all the laxatives or give them to your doctor to keep? I recently gave my Zyprexa to my doctor because I had extras and I have a history of drug overdose suicide attempt. Why risk it? Just get rid of the stuff. And congratulate yourself - you are so much closer to your goal than you are to your old you. As you know, it is marginally more difficult to shed each successive pound. This is going to be difficult. Give yourself time. It is OK to stay at your present weight for some time, because it is more important now to start going to the bathroom normally than to be at any particular point on the scale. Keep only enough laxatives for emergencies and give the rest to the doctor.

[Suki22]

"I wish someone could just scoop me up and take care of me during a time when I obvioulsy am unable to care for myself." that statement right there is a statement that would be PRO-treatment. why not go to a facility? I'm pretty sure that they aren't going to make you put on weight unless you're severely underweight (but you noted you stilll had some to lose, so I'm guessing you're not?).

it's great that you've lost the weight. it's unfortunate that you've ended up where you're at in that process. let me tell you that I used to abuse laxatives when I was 19 and at 37 I had my colon removed because it didn't work properly (luckily no colostamy bag). I suffered from constipation and multiple hospital trips for most of my 20's and into my 30's. I feel great now, but man, that was THE WORST stay in the hospital and THE WORST recovery EVER when I had my colon removed--and I've had a few surgeries as an adult.

please get help and please consider their suggestions to go to treatment. you could learn the healthy way to lose weight and get the war out of your head. take care--we care! hang in there!

[Angel4024]

Originally Posted by Suki22

"I wish someone could just scoop me up and take care of me during a time when I obvioulsy am unable to care for myself." that statement right there is a statement that would be PRO-treatment. why not go to a facility? I'm pretty sure that they aren't going to make you put on weight unless you're severely underweight (but you noted you stilll had some to lose, so I'm guessing you're not?).

it's great that you've lost the weight. it's unfortunate that you've ended up where you're at in that process. let me tell you that I used to abuse laxatives when I was 19 and at 37 I had my colon removed because it didn't work properly (luckily no colostamy bag). I suffered from constipation and multiple hospital trips for most of my 20's and into my 30's. I feel great now, but man, that was THE WORST stay in the hospital and THE WORST recovery EVER when I had my colon removed--and I've had a few surgeries as an adult.

please get help and please consider their suggestions to go to treatment. you could learn the healthy way to lose weight and get the war out of your head. take care--we care! hang in there!

Thank you for saying that you do care. Right now I feel very much alone. I should consider treatment. I am unable to just drop everything and go. have no one to care for my kids, I'm not sure if insurance would even cover treatment, etc.... It's something I would have to plan for. I am seriously thinking about it though. Again thank you.

[Suki22]

oh, gee, with kids in the mix that makes it really difficult! all the more reason to get help so that you're around for them as long as possible and be a good example for them.

have you talked to your doctor about treatment/payment? can you take time off of work (if you're work outside the home) and do out-patient therapy during the day while the kids are in school?

I'm glad you're seriously considering it! xoxo

[Angel4024]

Originally Posted by Suki22

oh, gee, with kids in the mix that makes it really difficult! all the more reason to get help so that you're around for them as long as possible and be a good example for them.

have you talked to your doctor about treatment/payment? can you take time off of work (if you're work outside the home) and do out-patient therapy during the day while the kids are in school?

I'm glad you're seriously considering it! xoxo

I'm going to see my regular doctor on friday to discuss going into treatment. I do have an amazing church family that is supporting me through this. Yes I'm struggling and yes I really don't feel well, but I know now I'll be ok. Plus coming here and still having my team of 3 until I go into treatment and they will be in place for when I get out as well.
Angel4024