I want it back (definitely triggering!)

I just want it back. So badly.
So.
Badly.
I want to be that girl who lost a ton of weight. I want to be the one with the blue lips. I want to be able to rest my arm against my protruding hip bone to steady myself. I want to reassure myself of the low calorie count in my head. I want to exercise until I feel faint. I want to be that girl that eats nothing but veggies and a handful of nuts. I want that back.

Oh goodness, it's been months into recovery and I've gained a LOT of weight (I'm actually overweight now- but I'm not allowed to drop because of my parents) I just feel so awful and I want that identity back even though I know it's so screwed up. Even though I know I still felt fat after dropping so many sizes and even though I know I hated the constant cold and even though I know I got so sick of the exercise and even though I know not being able to eat was torture.

A therapist once said it's not always good to talk about the height of one's eating disorder because it doesn't always bring horror. It brings nostalgia.

I think I get what she means.

Sorry, just needed to vent... any feedback would be much appreciated.

I completely understand; I'm struggling with the same thing. Recovery is very hard, and it's so easy to look back on when I was "happy." Except, was I REALLY happier back then? When I stop to think bout it I remember the discomfort, the health problems, the exhaustion, the annoying comments, and that helps fight the nostalgia. It can be so hard, though; please know you aren't alone in your struggle.

You're not alone in this. I'm haven't started treatment yet because all I think is in that, gaining weight and terrifies me. My therapist said that I won't gain weight just eat healty and I don't believe her. Everything is a process maybe you're not overweight it's all in your mind. Hang in there!!

I get it. Just keep pushing through....those voices will quiet eventually...try to focus on other things instead of weight...your energy levels, your mood, etc...i know its hard but this is the right thing...for the long term....you can't not eat forever....with regards to the comment about your weight now, your doctors are objective eyes...chances are pretty good they are going to try to keep you in your healthy weight range, so if you cannot trust that your parents want that and you think that they would let you keep gaining, then maybe another resource would be to trust in your doctors...also, I wonder if it is in your head..just an image you have of what thin and overweight are...i know i'm guilty of this sometimes too, but if that isnt what it is...be patient as your body readjusts...your metabolism and everything has to learn again how to handle food....hand in there, eat healthy foods, and your body will learn to work with you and even itself out.