[spow]

Hi everyone. I am in my mid-20s and have been having EDs for almost 3 years now. It started with me wanting to drop some weight that I had gained on holiday. Then I liked seeing my weight fall and fall so I went on till even I started to worry about myself. I have always been a slender female, some might even say skinny. But of course since the ED started, I definitely look skinny instead of slim.
I know that I am thin. But I find faults with my mid section. I say it's too round/flabby/big/whatever, you get the idea.

The ED has changed and morphed over the 3 years. What started out as restricting became restricting/purging, then restricting/bingeing/purging/, then bingeing/purging, the just bingeing and so on. My life and my thoughts are ruled by calorie counts, what I can/should eat at what time, whether I feel bad about what I had, whether I deserve to eat a certain thing etc. I actually like food a lot but it takes up too much space in my brain.

I saw a psychologist who felt that I have a combination of anorexia/bulimia/binge-eating syndrome. She referred me to an ED treatment centre but I got turned away by them because they couldn't provide me treatment in English (I live in a European country) and they referred me to another psychologist.

I have been to see the psychologist twice. I haven't decided if I will continue my treatment with her because it costs a lot and I know it will take more than a few months of therapy to recover from this. She diagnosed me as anorexic.

I have been struggling to accept that since she said that a week ago. I feel that I can't be anorexic because I EAT. I may not always eat enough, but I always eat. I get anxious and nervous about eating out, but I don't avoid it. I eat pints of Ben & Jerry's, chocolate bars, baked treats and so on.

Yes, I am hesitant and quite scared to gain weight. I think that is simply because I don't see a need for me to gain weight. I am underweight, but a blood test showed that I am fine medically. I suffer from poor blood circulation and maybe a little mineral deficiency, but that's about it.

Since the diagnosis, I have been in two minds about it. Sometimes I can accept it, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I think "What the hell, I'll have what I want and try not to feel bad about it because I have to recover from an ED". But sometimes I think "You are not anorexic. Go on being the way you have been. It won't kill you." *at this point, I just realised I used a third person's voice to refer to not being anorexic*

I usually save up my calories in the daytime so that I can eat what I want at night. In the past few days, I have been eating cookies in the morning and I just had some ice cream after breakfast (which I think is a disgusting thing to do). These are things that I never did before.

I feel like my mind or my body is fighting me. Or maybe it's fighting itself. I am so confused. My husband says it doesn't matter what ED a person has. The presence of one is bad enough. I know the recovery process is hard. The therapist said that it is likely to get worse before it gets better, but she didn't give me any details on what to expect.
Does anybody have any stories, advice or feedback that might help me set my mind on track?

[AngelWolf3]

Welcome to PC. I want to thank you for your post. I completely understand what you are going through. I would be happy to share anything I can with you; feel free to Private Message me anytime.

[spow]

Thank you. I will be in contact with you soon.

I hope to get more responses so that I can learn what to expect during recovery from an ED.

[precious things]

I commend you for taking the step towards recovery. It is incredibly difficult and full of ups and downs but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. 3 years is a long time to be battling this but not so long that you probably can't remember what life was like before. Your 20s are a good time in life and a time where you are sort of coming into the adult you want to be

I have been struggling for well over 20 years now, some years very sick, some under the radar and somewhat okay, some where I thought it was all behind me, and then cycle-through again. I'm hardly the best one to tell you what recovery Is like but it takes a heck of a lot of strength and perseverance. It is possible. The more practice you have at being healthy and not engaging in behaviors, the easier it gets. It does take time, but you can get there.

[Victoria'smom]

It's hard to accept any Dx. Accepting to me took weeks/months going between crying and being okay with my Dx.'s. It took me a long time to remind myself I'm still me they just need a name to help me. Even when my Therapist told me I relapsed it took a while to sink in.

[spow]

Today the therapist said I am making some progress. She asked me to write something describing the 'calorie cage' that I am in. She said that my husband's strength and clarity are assets to me and I should tap into that for my own recovery. She also asked me to increase my calorie intake by a few hundred. When I expressed concern about gaining weight beyond the restoration point, she said to trust her in the process.

So I'm supposed to place my trust in her with regards to recovery and allow my husband control over my eating habits if I cannot decide for myself.
Should I really trust her with something that is clearly capable of causing me distress: my weight?

[AngelWolf3]

I totally hear you on that. I can totally identify with 'saving' the calories for nighttime, and the thoughts of, well I can't really have a problem because I eat. AND with the ever morphing quality of the eating disorder. Oh yes. So totally me.

I am glad your T said you are making progress...that writing assignment sounds good too, the 'cage' is a good way to describe it!

Oh the weight gaining process is very very difficult. It really sounds like you are wanting to recover. I guess...maybe if you can trust blindly...for a bit...it will allow you to feel again...maybe don't look at it as your husband "controlling" your eating habits, but that he is going to help you? And maybe plan meals with him so that way you have a hand in what is being prepared/eaten? (just a thought, may not be what your T wants, but that is what I would do to take away the shock factor...)

[spow]

Originally Posted by AngelWolf3

I totally hear you on that. I can totally identify with 'saving' the calories for nighttime, and the thoughts of, well I can't really have a problem because I eat. AND with the ever morphing quality of the eating disorder. Oh yes. So totally me.

Yeah? So glad to know I'm not 'weird' and my presentation of the symptoms are experienced by others as well.

Originally Posted by AngelWolf3

Oh the weight gaining process is very very difficult.

Really? You mean it's difficult as in it's difficult to gain the weight? Or it's difficult to allow yourself to gain the weight?

[AngelWolf3]

OH...oops I guess I wasn't very clear, huh... In my opinion/experience, it was difficult to allow myself gain the weight. It's like you KNOW what will be good for you, deep down, LOGICALLY, but ...it was very painful to allow the weight gain. That's why it was good that I was Inpatient during that process because I don't think I could have done it on my own...

But that is just me! I didn't have a good support system at home, and didn't have the ability to do it alone! Everyone is different!!!! I so totally want to be encouraging because I think the fact you WANT to recover is HUGE...I think at the time I went IP I wasn't wanting it yet...so that had a lot to do with the difficulty, maybe?

[spow]

Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't. But the driving factor is that I may lose my husband if I don't try my best to fight this.

[Victoria'smom]

But the driving factor is that I may lose my husband if I don't try my best to fight this. Same here, but it's because they care and it hurts them to see us suffer.