[Estee1]

I have been pretty sure that I have an eating disorder for a while. It's scary. My BMI is about 17.4. I desire to lose weight. I know it's wrong and crazy. I am just starting to realise that I might have a problem. I get tired easily but I don't exercise much at all. I enjoy it when people comment about how thin I am. Sometimes I act as though I don't like it but really I do. I don't know what I want from sharing this. I don't know how I have fooled myself for so long. I would never have guessed that I had an eating disorder. I thought that I was fine. Now I start to see stuff and realise the way that I think can't be right. People try to get me to eat and it makes me want to eat less.
Sometimes I am scared of peple leaving me so I think that I will not eat as much so that I am kind of punishing them. Does that make any sense?

[shannon9xj]

Estee1. If you think you have and ED chances are you do. I've battled anorexia for five years and am now bulimic for the past three years. I was hospitalized twice and it wasn't until i almost died that i realized i need to get help. Please get help now! ED are tricky. It's not like over comming drugs or alchohol. You can quit drugs and booze and never touch them again and say you're sober but you can't just quit food. There are most likely underlying issues that make you feel like not eating is a way to get back at people. But I know what you mean it can feel like a high at times. You're not alone. If you need help getting started let me know.

estee you have some good self-awareness. I hope you share this with someone who can sort through your issues. Sometimes being worried is just an internal feeling to urge us to do something. So for you.. the doing something may be talking with a therapist. Things can change.

[Estee1]

I'm kind of scared to bring it up because I'm scared that the people will be angry with me for not eating properly. One part of me is screaming out at me not to eat and another part feels bad for not eating. Then another part just wants to eat. But the not eating part is heaps harder to resist. I suppose I will just have to bring up the subject.

[dcs_no1_fan]

I kno what u r feeling like I fell that im fat but everyone says im to thin my worse part was a couple of month's ago takin the kids 2 school & gettin ur gettin 2 thin u need 2 put on weight u look ill then I was gettin it at home from my husband & family I just couldnt win then the kids had there hols & it has all stopped as ive not seen very many people & I have started 2 eat again & I have now put a couple of lb back on & i am eating again not much but im eating

T.C pm me if you wanna chat

[sniffles]

my thoughts are with you estee. im here if you need to talk to someone whos been there, done it.
sniffles

[mollydaisy]

Saw your post and thought of my daughter. Check out www.connectwithkids.com,and look for a video called Mirror Mirror. It was something recommended to me,I watched and it helped me figure things out.
Good luck .

[eskielover]

With a BMI of 17.4, you are definitely underweight & at a dangerous low. Last year when I was at that point, I was being hospitalized for exhaustion after dealing with a trauma & my Mothers death. Because of the stress, my nausea was so bad that I couldn't stand the smell of food let alone try to eat. I know that I also needed to be able to control something & it felt good to be able to control my "not eating". My GP was keeping track of my blood tests & the day he was going to discharge me, my blood test came back anemic with malnutrition. My GP had the hospital's pdoc & psychologist seeing me daily to help me deal with the stress I was going through dealing with my Mothers death. The picc line & TPN they put in ended up getting infected. At the point I needed to leave the hospital to go to my Mothers funeral. The hospital's pdoc thought my condition was serious enough that he told me he was going to put me on a hold if I didn't agree to have the central line TPN. He felt that I could die within a few days if I didn't get the nutrition. I was able to escape AMA thanks to my GP & a promise to come back to the hospital after the funeral. But I know how horrible I felt .

About 10 years before I had another time dealing with anorexia & my BMI at that time got down to 15.4. That anorexia was started from a reaction to prozac & wellbutrin. It created a nausea that kept me from eating. At that time, I was suicidal anyway, so the thought of dying from anorexia didn't bother me at all....besides I felt that my family dealing with an ED was much better than dealing with a suicide (what logic was that????).

The specialists of anorexia continually tell me that it is normally an issue of body image. They kept telling me that it is when people look at themselves at a low weight & feel that they are overweight. My anorexia issues aren't based on that because I know at my low weight I look like a walking skeleton. But when I get started loosing weight, I like the feeling of being able to control it. I truely think that anorexia is different for each person & doesn't always fall into a standard pattern. I think we all have our reasons for loosing weight & they make logical sense in our minds no matter how far off they seem to others.

It sounds to me like it might be a good idea if you find a therapist that is known for working with anorexia issues. Don't let them tell you what you are thinking, but you need to tell them what your thinking is. I know for me that my first time with a psychologist at the treatment center didn't help at all. He kept telling me what I was thinking & is wasn't anything close to what was on my mind. It is important to find a psychologist that is willing to work with you & lets you express your feelings. That is really the best way to get in touch with what is possibly causing your thinking.

For me, the only thing that helped was for me to decide what weight I could be happy at & a weight that was physically safe for me to be at. Once I was able to determine that weight, I was able to realize that it took control to stay at that point & control was one of my issues that I needed to feel good.

A therapist can help you come to terms with your weight & hopefully that can help you live a safe healthy life.

Hope this can help a little,
Debbie

[Estee1]

Thanks. My therapist knows how I think pretty much so it's good, but kind of scary too. I hope that the people who work with me can help me to let go of my fears. My fears are certainly trying to kill me. I can see that. But I can't give it up. I'm too afraid to let them go right now.