[inkblot]

I have a mix of stress in my life, but in general I tend and prefer to try and avoid thinking about it and acting on it. But when ever I have an appointment with my T, I always seem to start thinking afterward that I need to lose weight. I'll think that I have two weeks (until the next appointment) to lose. Sometimes I might eat less and try a little more than other times. This time after my appointment I've been thinking even more and harder about doing it. Some things went on at work today so with the appointment yesterday and stuff from today, by tonight I was more than ready to do whatever it would take to lose weight, ready to challenge myself to see how much can I lose and how fast--like how much could I lose over this weekend. I've done a little bit that would make me lose mostly water weight, and a little mild exercise, but I haven't really felt effects of anything yet much. I'm sure I will later and will be glad for when things are over with. It scares me what if anything could happen. What if someone found out? Lately--especially the past day or two--I just feel like I want to be the thinnest because the thinnest is the best. I read a women's magazine yesterday and there was an article in it about women in their 30's who have eating disorders. It was kind of interesting, but I wonder if it "glamourized" it more for me by getting me thinking of it more. There were pictures, too. We had downtime at work so some of the others started exercising as a group. I doubt that helped either. I think they plan to continue this as long as there is downtime. I don't know whether to join in or not. I'm a little embarrassed to. I don't know what to do about everything with this. I'm torn between health fears, a conscience, and the "bad" thoughts that tell me to do diet things and lose weight. I can't tell anyone--it wouldn't be safe. My T works tomorrow, but I can't tell him. I feel like I can only tell all of you. It's at least somewhat safe here. I haven't mentioned this website to my T, so he can't come here to check up on me. I love being able to come here to "talk" to someone without having to worry much about someone like my T knowing everything. Yet still, I kind of wish he knew some of this. I have such a hard time either remembering things to tell him (even if I write them down) or I might be afraid to tell him things. It's all so hard.

Oh dear....you are so good at writing kind, supportive posts to other people, now you need to write one to yourself! Read what you wrote and think of it as if someone you love wrote it. What would you advise them to do? Write back, here, and see what you come up with. What would you tell your friend to do? What loving advise would you dispense?

Try it...post here to Inkblot. You already know all the right things to say. And you already know all the right things to do. You are so kind to others. Time to be kind to you!!!

Be Gentle with Yourself

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[inkblot]

Ya know what, Em? I'm not always very good about practicing what I preach. I told my T this a couple appointments ago when we were talking about me working with my patients, whether they were medical or psych patients. Of course, my T and I laughed about this. How often does a T like him get to talk about having psych patients WITH a psych patient? As far as what I would tell myself in this situation, it would probably be something like....if it would feel better to call the T, then call. Fight hard to resist losing weight and try to stay distracted or focused on other things--write, chat, hobbies, housework, play with a pet, anything. Even exercise can be good (in moderation, of course) because it's something actually *good* for the body, physically and mentally. I might suggest exercising with a non-eating disordered buddy so to avoid overdoing a good thing. Or pick up the phone and call someone who will has agreed to be an emergency support buddy. There are a lot of free '800' or local numbers around to help and "be there" for someone who wants to talk about any problem. Phone books, local or county governments, hospitals or social service/health type organizations will often have lists of available numbers or resources. I often times like to go shopping to relieve stress. I don't have to buy anything, but just the act of doing it helps. Unfortunetly, there aren't enough 24-hour stores open that I can go to to just hang out at for a few hours and walk around. That's when having the internet at home can be good! People can come online to places like this to read and share and support...and become friends and family. I am still very mixed about what to do with myself this weekend. The urge to take whatever pills, juices, or anything I can find that might work for losing weight is still strong. It's like a heart patient trying to decide if he should take his angina medicine. It's out there at the store/pharmacy or available and on-hand at home. I'm just more confused about what to do, and should I or shouldn't I. I was more gung-ho about the whole idea yesterday. I think I'm maybe stressing about it all enough that it's confusing me enough. I'll probably be online alot this weekend. Haven't got much to do outside my home. Need to do some house cleaning.

[Rapunzel]

Hi Inkblot,

I think that your advice to yourself is very good. Yes, it's easier to give it than to take it. And it is interesting as a psych patient to talk about the methods, etc. As I have been studying psychology again I got to the point where I could identify and analyze the techniques that my T was using with me. Also I was picking apart all the things that were done less than ideally by all the past counselors that I have seen, and discussing it with my T as well as with my professors. We also talked about things that are likely to be problems for me as I take on my own clients, such as that I might relate to my clients too much and/or worry about them all the time, and how to deal with those problems.

But even though you know the right things to do, taking your own advice isn't easy. That's why it is so important to have people who will support you and help keep you on the right track. My sister who is a psychiatrist says that if she had depression again herself she would see someone about it, and she tells me that I should be monitored by somebody, probably indefinitely. Your judgement can go out the window when it comes down to yourself, no matter how much you know about your problem and how it should be treated.

It's important to be honest with your T about how you really are and what you are doing. Do you have a friend who can check up on you in between sessions? Maybe someone at work? Maybe you could make a deal with somebody about an improvement that you will make in taking care of yourself. If they are asking about it and you know that you have someone to report to, you will be more likely to do what is better for you. If you don't want to have someone in real life do this, you can report to us here. What would you like to work on first?


<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>