[inkblot]

I've been in moods before where I'd not eat or I'd want to diet and do "diet things", but I don't think anything in the past can compare to what I feel now. This weekend, the past couple days, my focus is that I want that "thin" feel back again. I've actually thought that it might be nice to have the flu this weekend because it would clean me out and I'd have that thin feeling. My mind seems so concentrated on "what can I do to get that feeling?!?!" I feel so eager to try, try, try but I am so afraid, afraid, afraid. Every time I hear an ambulance go past I think of it taking me away to the hospital. I want that thin feeling, but I don't want to be dying to get it. I am scared already that my behaviors in the past and current may have already done damage. I always pass blood tests, they say, but I still worry about hidden effects and damage. My regular doctors don't know about me having any type of eating disorder or PTSD or anything. Okay, I know maybe they should, but I like to figure that they haven't asked. I know that I should volunteer the information, but it's hard, it's embarrassing. I've felt chest pains and palpitations for a couple of years now with heavier physical activity like with exercising, carrying boxes, etc. I haven't really talked with anyone about this. It really does scare me though. It could be asthma related, so I tell myself (even though I rarely have a problem with asthma, and even then usually allergy related). I've thought today about calling my T or whoever is on call now that it is after hours tonight, or going somewhere (hospital or ???) to talk to someone. If my T had voice mail that I could use, I would use it. I would call and leave a message for him. I don't know what I'd say. I'd let him know (probably vaguely) what is going on. I really don't know if I can bring myself to tell him in person at the next appointment--which isn't for about another 12 days?! Anything that I would tell him would be very extremely limited. My child's T works for the same company as my T, so I worry too that what if I would page who's on call and get my child's T--I don't want him to find out! I like talking to him, but it still scares me. He is really nice and easy to talk to, like my own T is. I don't know how things work around that office for an on call schedule as to what might happen if I did do that. I really don't want to go that route, but it's still been in my thoughts. I've been thinking about calling and asking the answering service if they can forward my call to my T's voice mail (assuming that he might have one for internal office use). All the little voices in my head keep telling me to do whatever it takes, whatever kind of pill or (???) to feel thin. I feel like an alchoholic dying for just one more drink, my mind is telling me just one more (???) to have that thin feeling. I guess this is what a true eating disorder feels like?! I don't know what to think. I wish I had a voice mail for my T. I've said that before and I know I'll say it again. DocJohn, wanna do me a favor and make an anonymous phone call to my T? Just kidding...I think. It would be so much easier though if someone else could tell him, and then he could call me and we could talk. I guess it feels that if he were to find out by other means than me telling him and he confronted me about it directly, it would be easier for me to confess and talk about. I suppose that's why leaving a voice mail or fax (or even email if available) would be easier for me--it would be like he was being told by the fax or voice mail, rather than "me". It would be more indirect, I guess. I'll post later more of what happens or doesn't. I don't know what else to do than to hang around here and contemplate.

I think you need to call that on-call number asap. If you get your child's T, just tell him that because of your situation, you need to talk to someone else. I'm sure he will totally respect that. It sounds urgent...you need to talk to someone in real life, in addition to your friends here. Waiting 12 days is just not an option. I don't know you at all, and you are a little vague on what you mean by "do diet things", but I would imagine they involve very unhealthy behaviors. Please keep posting here until you can reach your therapist. I'm worried about you stranger lady! :-)

Emmy


"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[inkblot]

Thanks. At the moment I am feeling kind of mellow--maybe numb--about all of this. I know I'm obviously stressing some about it, but I'm hoping or liking to think that maybe the fact that I am stressing about it might be a sign that it could be ending. It's causing a conflict in my mind, which is good. Or at least this particular crisis might be ending. I don't want to call anyone now. I'm doing okay for the moment. Who knows about later. I had a good moment earlier today, too--only to have things turn again. But, I can still at least have hope for now and if things take a big turn again, then I might reconsider calling again. I still don't know how to openly admit to my T about everything from this weekend. That will be very hard. Some parts might even be painful to admit. He knows about me having bad eating habits, but he does NOT know about anything else that I do on a regular or semi-regular basis, or occasional, or rare thoughts I've had a few times. I acted on and tried something this weekend (unsuccessfully, I might add), and at the time it actually felt okay! How does something like this happen? How and why do our minds play tricks on us like this? I'm too mellow or numb, whatever this feeling really is, to do anything right now but to think about what am I doing.

[FearsomeAnna]

Inkblot,

I agree with Em - call somebody, anybody ASAP. I know what you mean with wanting that "thin" feeling. I haven't been able to go to the gym the last few days due to illness and I'm getting really, really antsy. I think today I am going to direct this antsyness at cleaning my house (we have guests coming for dinner and the place looks like a bomb hit it...LOL). However, doing harmful things to yourself to get that thin feeling is a sign of trouble. If that means calling your child's T, go right ahead. I'm sure that she wouldn't mind hearing from you - it's very rare that you will have a child in therapy without the parents having some issues of their own, so I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time she's heard from a parent. I understand what you mean with the non-confrontation, though. Shoot, I have a hard time calling out sick from work when I am really sick because I think my boss will yell at me or think I'm faking. I prefer to leave a voicemail or an email because then it's not "me" telling her, it's "me" through the help of some device. I think you know and I know that no one is going to yell or scream or accuse us of faking, though. Your T is there to help you feel better, not judge you.

{{{{{{{inkblot}}}}}}}}

Try calling some of those numbers and see how it goes, ok?

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

[inkblot]

Hi. I know I won't be judged personally--psychologically, though, yes. My T (or my child's) would be non-judgemental. Since my last fax to my own T a month or so ago, I think he's trying a little harder to make sure that he has more of a "poker-face". I admitted in the fax that I watch for reactions in who I am talking to, and mentioned a reaction my child's T had once after I said about something. (I thought my kid's T's reaction was funny! I had really surprised him!) My own T has always been pretty good about not showing too much emotion and having somewhat of a poker-face, though, but like I said, I think he's trying a little more to make sure of that. I still have some thoughts from yesterday trying to convince me and urge me to do things, but I think I'm doing better because I did eat a couple Kudo's granola bars last night, and I munched out of a box of cereal during the middle of the night. I was up pretty late just hanging out online, thinking, doing whatever. I have kind of an anxious feeling today. I don't think I'll be as bad about everything today as yesterday. I think I'll be more "relaxed?!" about this "thin" thing. I may consider still calling my T next week when I know he'll be in the office. I'd like to see how things go. I've been thinking about leaving a voice mail for my kid's T since I do have a number that I can use for him, but I wouldn't really say anything--I'd just come up with an excuse to call, and word it so he could tell that something was up. He might ask me about it at our next appointment, or he might phrase his question more generically so that if I told anything I'd have to straight-out volunteer the information. He likes to do the latter, usually, I think to see if I'll talk to him. He likes to test me that way. I need to go out to the store later to pick up a couple necessities that I'm running out of. Maybe the venture out for a few minutes will do me some good.