Ed's Ugly Face

I didn't know about Ed until perhaps 4 months ago. Now I have come to think of Ed as a many-tentacled squid that has latched itself onto me refusing to let go. I am forced to recall my days as a teen when I would binge and purge, only to be replaced eventually by my drinking. I became an alcoholic. Fast-forward several years. My eating was never very good throughout this period. I was always very picky, very restrictive (even as a small child). At one point in my early 30's, I discovered that rigorous exercise was a good way to cut back on my drinking, which had begun to take over my life, and also to lose weight! I became fanatical about it. My diet also changed drastically. People were amazed at how many sizes I shrunk. I felt powerful! Alas, alcohol, took hold again for a few years, and I stopped exercising, but I never forgot how to starve myself. I drank, and I forgot to eat. Then, 2 years ago, I discovered AA, and became sober. The Ed inside me raged and tormented me with his constant harping and name-calling. No longer able to drown out his voice with alcohol, I now had to listen to him, and obey every word. During this period, I was the worst that I had ever been - all of my mental illnesses reared their ugly faces like trapped souls in some netherworld. I began to realize that being sober and going to AA was not fixing me. After spending a few months in a mental institution, I was finally diagnosed with an Eating Disorder NOS. At last. Some more of the puzzle pieces had fallen into place. I am now on the waiting list for the residential treatment program at the best institution in Canada, the same mental institution that diagnosed me and finally offered me a glimmer of hope.

Wooh, I sure do understand about everything you have said here - I actually could have written this myself it's so ' ME '. Whilst I was a nice ' thin ' person with a chronic ED 30 years ago, which carried on in it's own sweet (?????) way for many years, these days and much to my disgust - I'm a fat person with EDNOS! At my thinnest and diagnosed with anorexia, I received help in-patiend. These days because I'm a fat EDNOS and actually I'm doing much more ' dangerous ' things - nobody is in the slightest bit interested. Guess I understand, as I certainly do NOT look at deaths door, far far from it in fact. My metabolisim has been shot to pieces, I can live on very little, yet still stay fat, plus the psych meds I need have encouraged weight gainbut I can't go without them. These ED's and other symptoms of addiction to various substances etc ARE part of BPD. I'm so glad to hear that you have a place in a very good facility. Please do work it as it seems you DO have excellent reasons to get well for. HUGZZ. xxx

So happy to hear you're at least on a waiting list for residential treatment, some cities don't even have in-patient hospital beds for ED.

I lost weight too fast due to an illness and I truly have an "ugly face", I look older than I already am (in my 50's), my face is very thin and wrinkly. Looked better before dx of anorexia. Can't win, when I was fat, very fat, wished I was thin - thin now this is not fun.

Thanks both. Right now I am fairly thin, not the thinnest I have ever been, but pretty close. I just got the call yesterday, and I am going in on Monday. Time to pack my bags. I will be gone for 3-4 months. At least while I'm there I will have access to Internet!

Don't forget to stop by then & let us know how you are doing & maybe give us a few tips that you get from there for yourself.

Oh Caseygirl......that comment you said about how ugly you look.....that is exactly how I feel. By the time my grandmother died at 96....her face was ugly & wrinkled......I didn't look in a mirror for a long time after I got out of the hospital......I almost freeked out.....then someone took a picture of me at a horse clinic & I almost crawled under a rock....thin & wrinkled....my whole body ended up that way because I had gone from just perfect weight to anorexic at the age of 43.....then gained, then dropped back down to almost as low as the first time right during the trauma I went through 9 years ago......It's scary to even look in a mirror now.....even though I have gained back up to a safe weight....some of those wrinkles never go away & being 60 & looking like 90....isn't good.