[utterlyconfused]

So yesterday I went to my therapist and she told me flat out that if I keep going the rate I am, I will probably have to go to the hospital in a month. I can't go there, but I don't want to eat. I've tried, but I can only manage a few bites at a time. She said a good way for me to start upping my calorie intake would be to eat 6 small meals a day. So far, that isn't working out too well. I can't get past this mental block that I'm not thin enough. I'm finally starting to get somewhat happy with my weight, but I'm just not there yet. My friend looked at me today and said, "you look anorexic," just out of no where. I hate having this ed hanging over me, and I know nothing will happen over night, but the only thing that is motivating me to get better is the hospital threat. That has been my motivation ever since my therapist mentioned it, but I just seem to get worse and worse.

The hardest part is getting out of my eating schedule. I could easily go almost a week without eating. I don't know how to get back to eating every day. Its really hard and I don't know why I can't get my brain to understand that eating is okay. I'm just getting pretty desperate for some advice on the mental side of recovery. I've finally accepted it is a problem, but at the same time, I don't know how to get better and still feel good about myself while being "healthy".

Also, if I go to a hospital, that means I may miss my finals for school and I may miss graduation. This is my senior year in high school, sophomore year in college, and I have a very busy schedule and my family life isn't the greatest. My dad and I can't seem to appease each other no matter what we do. So this ed is the only thing that I feel like I can control and I'm scared of letting that go. I just feel stuck being pulled in multiple directions.

[Stronger]

Oh my goodness, I really do know how you feel.
A few things, I'm sure you've probably heard before, but you have to know that that the 'perfect weight' will never come. You will always be telling yourself that you're almost there. Please don't let yourself fall and farther into that dangerous trap.
And the control thing, I know what that is like too. But you also have to realize that the fact that you can't make yourself get on a regular eating schedule means that it is no longer in your control (I was the exact same way).
But most importantly, I understand the hospital threat. When I was still struggling with bullimia, my T told me the same thing, and I hated her for it. I hated it, because she was right, and I was stubborn.
But you also have to know that you have not reached the 'point of no return'. You CAN turn around now. It won't be easy...but if you wait longer, it will only get harder. So know that you CAN do it!! I believe in you, mija!!
And when you walk down that graduation isle, you'll feel even more proud because you made it!

I'm here for you if you ever want to pm me, dear.

[utterlyconfused]

Thanks fo much for this!

[Victoria'smom]

Can you possibly get liquids down easier? Fruit juice, veggie juice. Snack on oyster crackers. Have someone else buy them for you and have them tear off the label, or re bag them before it gets to you. Have tuna , canned chicken or 1/2 peanut butter sandwich. It sounds like your jaw gets tired so your going to have to work up to solid foods.

[Grey Matter]

Oh gosh, this is how I was leaving high school, nearly word for word. It was the one thing I had complete control over, or so I thought. I dropped so much weight I was even starting to feel ill, but fought it off by telling myself that my "perfect weight" isn't far away. Getting to my "perfect weight" would have killed me.

Honestly, me going into the hospital (And I went during the summer, I was there for a few weeks) was the best thing that could have happened. And I was extremely lucky with the amazing staff that worked the ED unit. I wasn't eating perfectly when I left, but I was given the tools to get there.

Follow your instincts here. If you know there is no improvement happening, please take care and listen to your therapist. I will not lie and say it is by any means easy. But you get to a point where you realize you have no control over this, but that food and numbers do. And that being healthy is something we ALL deserve.

Please take care!

[utterlyconfused]

I can eat solid foods, its just that when I eat, I can't stop. So I'd rather eat too little or not at all rather than eating too much. Getting someone to remove the label for me would be a really hard thing for me to do, which is mainly why I don't want to go to the hospital. I watched a documentary called "Thin" and I saw all the food that was on those plates and my heart just dropped. I want to know how much of what is going into my body at all times.

I've accepted the fact that I do have a problem, which of course is the first step, but I keep talking myself into thinking that its okay. I honestly can't take a break though to go to a hospital. I'm taking summer classes to try to get my associates when I'm 19. I can't miss too many days or else my instructor will drop me from the class. She's already told me the program she would be sending me to so I've done research on it, but the information is very limited so that bugs me.

[buttrfli42481]

I hate to be harsh, but I am going to be. Do you want to get your associates or be 6ft under? If you continue down this road of not eating or eating very little, your body will start shutting down. Do you want that? I totally understand what it is like to have dreams and goals. My daughter has danced for almost 10yrs and I hadn't missed a single recital until her May/June 2012 recital. I was bound and determined that I wasn't going to miss that one, but others had other plans. My weight was so low that I had to go inpatient again, and I was going in before recital. It was put to me this way: "Do you want to see your daughter dance again and miss this one recital or go to recital and not be there for the years to come?"

Being in a treatment facility isn't as bad as what you think. They aren't going to start you on a HUGE meal plan; for you, it will probably be a re-feeding meal plan. This means that the 3 meals are smaller and you will probably have 3 snacks also. You might not know how many calories you are getting but the dietician will know and make sure you are getting enough to sustain you. The facility where I was didn't allow us to know calories, but we knew what was considered a fat, meat, fruit, etc. and how many of each we were allowed. This gave us freedom in choosing what we had for our meals and some control as to what we were putting into our bodies.

My suggestion would be to try and eat and maintain your weight right now, and then reassess things at the end of the school year. IF you still need to be inpatient, the go. I can tell that you have high aspirations for yourself if you are taking college classes along with high school. You want to be able to use that knowledge in the future.

It has been almost 2yrs since my last ED hospital admission and a little over a year since my last relapse. If the place your T is looking at has recovery speakers, I highly suggest listening to them. The place I went has since closed their doors, yet I remember one of the recovery speakers reading us Dr. Seuss' book Oh the Places You'll Go. It really made me stop and think about where I wanted to be in life.

I wish you the best.

[eskielover]

Going to be a bit harsh also. You want to take that summer school classes & get good grades not just get by I'm sure....but deprived of food the brain quits working. If you want to excell you brain NEEDS the nutrition to function or you won't do well in those classes anyway & might end up messing up your future anyway & NEVER graduating. I know it was almost impossible for me to focus when when i wasn't eating....my firmware computer engineering career had already collapsed with the industry by the time real anorexia hit me but there is NO WAY my mind could have handled the demands of that career with anorexia. Models dealing with anorexia don't usually have the goal of excelling in college.

Last anorexia for me stress made it impossible for me to eat & ended in the medical hospital on central line IV nutrition after my mother's funeral & i ended up anemic. It took several years of only being able to eat a fee bites at a time 9 years ago. Even now i have times when i ear a few bites of a meal & it takes me all day to eat just one meal....

You need CONTROL it takes MORE control to manage weight around that lowest healthy weight than the control to starve & looses into nothing.

Nutritionist is good though i never
Had money for one i would recommend as they help with food & accountability
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I577 using Tapatalk 2

[Bill3]

I honestly can't take a break though to go to a hospital. I'm taking summer classes to try to get my associates when I'm 19.

What would happen if you were to get your associates at 20 instead of 19?

[utterlyconfused]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What would happen if you were to get your associates at 20 instead of 19?

Basically... I think it just comes down to me not wanting anyone to know that anything is wrong with me.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your reply. I think that is a really good and useful insight.

[eskielover]

my family life isn't the greatest. My dad and I can't seem to appease each other no matter what we do. So this ed is the only thing that I feel like I can control and I'm scared of letting that go. I just feel stuck being pulled in multiple directions.

I think this insight is right on also. Stressful things surrounding us are one of the worse things that trigger the not eating in the first place.....I always got sick feeling when there was fighting with my parents....& it wasn't something that could be stopped......the driving force to my not eating.....then I ended up in a bad marriage & when the rest of my life fell apart....eating was the first thing to go....from the stress & it not making me feel good so I had no desire to eat.....but it was also about the only thing that I was in control of at that time.....& I was in my 40's when that happened the first time at a major level that was dangerous to my life. Before the stressors came like waves & so did the eating.....but before the stress never lasted long enough for the weight loss to be dangerous......several times since in my mid 40's stress has continued long enough that it has made a huge problem with my eating......

Maybe if you get out of the house when you go to college, it might be a good step away from the stress in the family & better to get control over YOUR OWN LIFE.

[utterlyconfused]

You're welcome Bill, and Eslie, I agree. At the same time though it'll be challenging because no one will actually know. So it could go either way. As an update, I am going to my first nutritional counseling session on April 29th. I'm really nervous because my therapist has access to my records at the place I'm going and she said that she would be looking at them to see how I am doing. I'm just really nervous about it because I basically live off of the number that is on my scale, and when I look in my food journal, logically I know I'm not eating enough, but emotionally, I don't care.

Basically, if I could continue living with my ed without the consequences, I would. Simple as that. However, I know that's not the case and my therapist is keeping a close eye on me so I have to actually get better, or at least show her I'm trying to avoid the hospital.

[Bill3]

Thanks so much for the update.

If you are willing to let us know how it goes on the 29th, I and no doubt others here would be really interested to hear.

[utterlyconfused]

I will... I'm really nervous, but I will. I'll start a new thread for that one