[lil_bit]

Right now i honestly just realized that i am completely hating myself right now. I am so lost that i think i have completely lost touch with my own reality! Everyone around me keeps talking about my "diet" etc. and it's driving me insane...why is everyone talking about me?! why am i just now being informed about this?! I must be overreacting..i must be so i'm trying to calm down but it's seriously not working. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore! I used to be so confident, so many people adimit to being "jealous" of me but still how do i hate myself? I feel my stomach and it just feels so huge...i feel my sides and it's like i could grab handfulls of flab! All i can think to myself is "you idiot...look what you've let yourself become...you're so stupid this is all you'll ever be." this is not good. i can't possibly be what i think i am...but it's what i see! I just can't believe that my own eyes are lying to me.

[InACorner]

I completely understand...i am very sorry for you having to deal with this...My recent mystery illness caused me to loose 20 pounds...Its not helping that i am a recoving anorexic and bulimic...I have tried to even lose more weight and blame it on my illness...people say i am scary skinny...my bones are sticking out but i feel like i am sooo fat...I see the flab and i can grab my stomach..so i cant be that skinny right? I hope you can get some help...my heart is there for you....ask for help....recognize you need it...((((((((((((lil bit))))))))))) Good luck keep us posted
love, Inny

[inkblot]

I have been there with EVERYONE telling me how "skinny" I am and commenting on that and my weight. They would constantly try to give me food like I am some stray animal they are trying to coax, or a child who needs help being fed. It creates so much ANXIETY! I couldn't stand being around people!

Other people will comment and "joke" about my eating habits, like, "OMG, you are eating!" It does drive a person nuts to hear people talking about you like that every day!

It all does make a person think more in to the habits and love/hate them even more, hate yourself. And nobody understands.

I was too scared to go in to work a couple times last year because of it--and I hadn't called in sick or anything ahead of time. One time I was one of a small group of our department who was awarded a special luncheon for high performance at a nice, nearby restaurant. I was a no-call, no-show that day. I finally confessed to my boss through a voice mail to him at Midnight why I didn't show. It was hard when he talked to me the next day. He wanted to know who was making comments--but I didn't want anyone to get "in trouble" or feel uncomfortable if he talked to them. Plus there were so many people, at work, outside of work. He couldn't have eliminated it all. I was ok that he knew about it, but its a difficult thing to talk about nonetheless. Its still very hard to talk about certain details of my habits with my T or doctor. When I get to see them, that is. Without money, I can't really see my T anymore right now. And I miss him.

[lil_bit]

(((in a corner))) yeah, i can totally relate to knowing that bones are sticking out but still feeling so...fat. I do recognize that i need help, the fact is that i can't afford it right now so i guess i'm relying on this site a lot and on one of my friends who's a recovered anorexic.

(((inkblot))) YES. you worded everything you said so incredibly well, about all the things they say and the way it directly relates to how we/I feel. Before your reply i also hadn't really thought about how the jokes and stuff affect me. I was upset because i found out many were talking behind my back, but i guess i had never really considered the jokes etc. as a threat to my self image but now i realize that those are the bulk of what's getting to me.

thanks to you both...thanks for the support.

There is something i read later the day i posted this (dont' remember where..) and it really helped me so maybe it will help either/both of you. I read that the root of most anxiety/panic attacks like the one i had when i posted this are caused by personal awareness of one's body. e.g. touching the stomach or sides, or looking into a mirror. By avoiding these situations when we know we are weak, the worst can be avoided...and with me that's proven effective..hopefully it will help someone else as well..