so confused =[

This is the worst relapse i think i've ever had back into anorexia. It "began" like 5 yrs ago when i was 12 and even then it wasn't this terrible. Everything i do has something to do with food, everything i think..i can't get away from it! I'm starting to get so horribly depressed along with this too. I'm a writer, and i've never experienced writer's block, that is not until last night. I felt so fat, then feeling fat turned into feeling worthless, the usual chain of events i suppose. I could do nothing but lie there. I had gone on a walk of almost 2 hours but still felt as though i'd done nothing. Tonight I was just starting to wrestle with those bad feelings again, munching on some cheetos when mom came in and said "oh my! you REALLY do like those don't you! ha!" i felt like a fat cow. then she came in a few min. later and i was fixing myself a chai latte and she said "what are you eating NOW?!" I feel horrible! Am i really that bad? I can't possibly be eating that much, i'm still under 1000 calories a day...usually closer to 500 why does she have to say things like that? do people not realize the effect they can have? ughhhhhhhhhh

i'm sorry, i needed to rant. badly, i need someone to listen and not call me a fat cow. gahh.

Im sorry i know how you feel

my mother wouldnt let me eat without her permission
and when i did each she would say God dont you ever stop eating. You need to lose alot of weight
i was 120 pounds at 5 foot. and my uncle would always make fun of me too and say i need to lose weight and then said he was just kidding
im sorry sweety...please go somewhere where they can help you you deserve so much more
love, Inny

lil_bit,

I am sure you are not a fat cow.

Yeah, it hurts badly when ppl slip & say things like that.

Maybe you're having writer's block b/c your not eating enough? Easier said than done.

PM me, if you want. I am walking right beside you, having horrible time trying to eat. :*( I am so scared......I knew this was coming.........felt it felt it felt it

((((((((((((((((((((lilbit)))))))))))))))))))))

Des

Does your mother know about your eating disorder? That is, does she admit she knows?

What she's doing is very damaging, as you know, and the best I can recommend is to find a good therapist who knows enough about eating disorders that s/he will recommend family sessions. Your mother knows, on some level, that there's a problem. Why she chooses to make the problem worse, I can't say.

And you do know that you need to be eating more, right? You should never get below 1200 calories a day. (Yeah, I know -- I'm anorexic, too. I rationalize a lot of my crap by saying I'm middle aged, I don't have anything to protect, to look forward to, etc.) You've got too much to look forward to. I wish so much I could go back and do it over. Life doesn't give do-overs. Get yourself help now. It really will be rworth it for you.

Hi, Genevieve
No, my mother doesn't know in the sense that she understands it. She is aware of my eating habits, but i lie well and thus she isn't well-informed on the whole picture. Frankly she is unstable, and will either overreact or do just the opposite. Basically I'm saving myself the added anxiety of letting her know.

Yes, i realize that i need to be eating more and that i should get help. But as you know both are more easily said than done. I began with around 1500 calories/day and from there slipped to 1000 then to around 500 and now further downward to ~200.

thanks for the replies all, it's always nice to know that others share in the struggle.
(((everyone)))

Moms and familiy members don't feaking get how much affect they can have on someone who has these types of problems..

my mom also says that kind of stuff to me..
all my family used to say that to me, but they stopped after one day i broke down & stopped pretending that their words didn't hurt me.

but my mom says that same stuff to me. Whenever i actually decide to eat, she starts telling me that i eat too much or i get called "cow" or "do you want to get as fat as you used to be?"

it makes me want to stop eating forever.

stupid moms, i swear.

UGHHHHHHH! she just did the same thing again tonight! I swear i'm starting to develop a complex or something about even letting her see me eat anymore! I ate a couple cookies, some veggies, and a veggie dog (throughout two days...) and she said "i don't think i've ever seen you devour so much at once!!!!"