[JessLynn]

I'm almost 8 months into recovery from anorexia and fully weight restored but I've been fighting off thoughts of relapse for quite a while. I've had several lapses, only about a week long each, where I fell back into my anorexic intakes rather than following recovery guides. I always managed to bring myself out of them, but right now I don't think I can. I can feel myself slipping into another one. All the fear is back. The behaviours are back. I am scared but I don't know if I can keep fighting it. It just wants me to give in again.

I'm trying to find the point in recovery again and the thing is that I have goals that I can't achieve with an active eating disorder, but I'm still getting pulled down by restriction again. I don't know how to live with myself without it, even though that must sound horribly distorted. I know it does. I hate sounding and feeling like this.

[CANDC]

I am so sorry you are suffering from ED. You can talk to your therapist about meds or talk therapy and your dietitian about foods.

I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[pinkflower17]

Originally Posted by JessLynn

I'm almost 8 months into recovery from anorexia and fully weight restored but I've been fighting off thoughts of relapse for quite a while. I've had several lapses, only about a week long each, where I fell back into my anorexic intakes rather than following recovery guides. I always managed to bring myself out of them, but right now I don't think I can. I can feel myself slipping into another one. All the fear is back. The behaviours are back. I am scared but I don't know if I can keep fighting it. It just wants me to give in again.

I'm trying to find the point in recovery again and the thing is that I have goals that I can't achieve with an active eating disorder, but I'm still getting pulled down by restriction again. I don't know how to live with myself without it, even though that must sound horribly distorted. I know it does. I hate sounding and feeling like this.

Congratulations for your 8 months of recovery. That takes a lot of hard work and effort. I totally get where you're at. I'm in the middle of a big relapse for the past 9 months after about 2 years of recovery following 16 years of an eating disorder with 6 or 7 6-12 months or so stretches of recovery mixed in here and there. I'm terrified of who I am or what I am without my disorder and I think that's partially why I'm holding onto to this relapse so hard.

What I've learned over the years (and am learning again, as I get ready to enter inpatient treatment for the 7th time), is that recovery isn't a linear path. It's got bumps and dips and valleys and highs and lows. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. The important thing is that you keep on getting back up, every time you fall, you keep on getting back up. Confucius said, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall".

So you have a couple choices to make. You can stay lying down and give in or you can get back up, make the good, healthy choices you've learned to make in your recovery months and achieve your goals.

I've lost a lot because of this stupid need for control over my weight and the last thing I'd ever want is for anyone else to lose their dreams over an eating disorder.

You can do this, you can overcome this. You've done it before, you can do it again.
F
eel free to PM me anytime for anything. I'd love to help if I can in any way.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.

[eskielover]

I also found that when things in my life feel out of control, then I have a tendency to find that feeling of control over loosing weight/restricting to do it. For me stress is the trigger....I start loosing weight then I get wanting to loose more...sort of a vicious circle.

When I was young, my stressful times weren't as long as then have been as I got older (after the age of 42). I even lost a bunch of weight the last month I was pregnant because I was so stressed about having a c-section. Mostly though when I was working I was playing racquetball with the guys at lunch rather than eating & I worked through dinner....never had normal eating times or even normal eating foods. It was when major depression set in & the Anti-depressant took my appetite away that I lost way too much & ended up inpatient....took years to recover any of that weight because in reality....I didn't want to.

Managed to get stabalized & even gained too much after that & then a trauma hit & wham....right back into the anorexia & ended up medically hospitalized for that about 10 years ago (at 52).....I have been very cautious about gaining this time because I refuse to allow myself to gain like I did the last time. I now totally live alone on my 10 acre farm so I need energy to take care of my farm & my critters so I know that I can't end up at the low weight I was at.....& I just had major oral surgery so it's not easy to even eat....but have been eating more fatening foods than ever before. I had gained more than I wanted to figuring that I would definitely loose a lot after the surgery....that's not happening like I thought so I'm finding that I am tending to start cutting the amount I'm eating.....I know when I'm well & working hard around the farm that I will need to eat for energy.....it's really easy to get back into the mind set of restricting......seems like it hits right when a safe weight is reached because we know that we have some room to blow it.....the problem is that it's rather addictive for me & when I start seeing the weight go down....I just want to see it happen more. I have found that I have a range that I'm willing to stay within & that is what I continually work on now....it's a functional range so I can do all the things that I need to do & have some extra energy for the fun things also like trail riding or volunteer work at the horse park......something I could never do when my weight was out of control.......

We are the ones who have to control ourselves....no one else can....so sometimes we just have to have a serious talk with ourselves & decide what our priorities really are & then demand ourselves follow that. For me, restrictive eating has been a normal part of my life all my life...there is just no way that I even want to eat 3 meals a day....I would be cooking & cleaning up in the kitchen rather than getting anything else done...& that's just NOT where I am.

[finding_my_way]

i am almost eight years in recovery. no idea HOW i did that...but i did.

i have had times here and there where i feared i was relapsing and my weight went up and down, but i always kept my intake up and exercise down (i fear exercise now) to try to also keep it managed.

do you have any outpatient support, groups, etc. to access to try to help manage things? any relapse prevention programs in your area?

i also found that thinking back to how horrible i felt and how many years it took for me to get the right help that it was a huge fear of mine to relapse, so somehow i never 'let' it be an option (not sure how that works).

i hope you can find some support and keep yourself accountable so you don't go downhill and can keep going forward in your recovery. i know it's not easy to do, but just remember that you still do have the choice to stick with recovery even if you have some glitches along the way. it's a matter of pushing through the tough thoughts, down days, etc. and reminding yourself of what you want for yourself and life, hopefully that doesn't include the ED.