how long can one fight to over come? one must ask - if the fight is worth it if victory is never at hand...

I am so very thankful that i made it thru the day at the hospital, waiting while my friend had surgery... the long hours.. thankful for the successful outcome... watching the surgeons come in deliver good/bad news...i felt myself go numb part way thru the day... sick, worn out, sitting on a hard chair... pretending that everything is OK with her family..her husband... because my ED is a secret...because if they found out she would be too ashamed of me to be my friend... so she has asked for me to keep it secret....

i don't want to contiune to fight this illness.. i don't want to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is OK so that my friends don't guess what is going on...

I don't want to be blamed by my adult son for being sick anymore... I don't want to hear it's YOUR fault that you're sick...for his girlfriend to tell him "tough love", when she doesn't know me or the illness.. I want to ask him.......and when did I receive "soft" love or any love for that matter...

I just don't want...

I don't want my body to reject food, to have my stomach burn, to be short of breath..

I don't want people to be cruel to me anymore....

I don't want to try anymore...

I could tell my son and my friends what I do want but.. they don't listen... I could tell... them... ask me how are you once in a while... instead of saying "it's your fault",,, just stop...

just stop.... such an easy solution ... just stop..

the just stop.... doesn't make my body take in nutrition.. it doesn't fix the damage...

but just stop...

I am out of ideas of how to fight this illness...

[Direction]

Are you sure she would be ashamed? Are those the words she used?

Do you have other friends?

You didn't mention a therapist, or pdoc, or medications? If you haven't considered them, maybe it is time...

((((((((((((((freewill))))))))))))))

thinking of you and wish to god i could help. i know it takes speialist care for ed's please please try and get that help you owe it to yourself. i care what happens to you - please think about it.

love, kerry xoxoxoxo

love you jinny.... you've brought tears ... with your caring... had to see pdoc today... wish I could help you by giving that appt to you... with the lack of availability of resources where you are...
After talking to him... I'm going to try to find an MD... to help... maybe there's a special way of getting nutrition to stay in a person's body.. that he/she will be able to help...

My best friend does use those words because she feels that the "oddness" of my illness reflects poorly on her choice of friends in the eyes of her husband, her family.. we've talked about it before.. and I completely respect her feelings on this - we have been friends for 28 years - a very long close friendship - as close as sisters...

no I have no other family (my own sister and I are not in contact).. my two male friends, of 17 yrs and 8 yrs, when I became sick also "stepped" away - because I went on disability... one said something like "ahhhh chew" - Ok now I should be able to get social security cause I have a cold .. the other said " hmmm, maybe I should go on disability and become a home dad, instead of working - they must let anyone have it if you got it" and unfirtunately they were both serious - work ethic and all...

My other very good friend, she and her husband just retired and I saw her last week for the last time in a very long time as she and her hubby are moving... and I will miss her.. I will miss having coffee with her and talking...

My post was about my frustration.. and my complete failure to beat this illness... and I think about others inability to understand the illness....

I am on meds... and do see pdoc monthly and a new T (since dec) 2 times a week..

my son... his reaction hurts the most...

I know I am failing... I just don't know what to do anymore... except as I mentioned try to now find an MD that might be able to help..

[Direction]

Well - I'm glad you two are ok with having it that way and that it works...

Sorry about the two guys...and your good friends moving...

I can understand your frustration at least with the inability to understand the illness part...My ex was the one suffering with an ED...

It sounds like you are plugged in and seeking help...only suggestion that comes to mind ... if pdoc and T aren't specialist in this area to seek ones that are?

[beans]

i hate "just stops"
that is the response of the ignorant.

just know that no matter what those people will never disown you; they love you. your ED does not define who you are. it is only a glitch on this journey that you are on. i can relate. people "know" you, but they don't "know" you. it is your choice to let them in, and i am sure they will embrace you in ALL that you are not just some false image that you are giving them. we all have ugliness in our lives; some worse than others, but you need to be happy with yourself before you can even begin to give yourself to others.

[Raindrizzle]

Freewill, stick to your guns. We've talked about all this before, you know your worth, its beyond description. Please don't give up. You as well as all of us have the strength and the power to get over our ED's. There is no tangible or ungodly thing in this whole world that can restrict us from that freedom.

There is an awesome quote I know and I think you should definetly take it into consideration.
"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits.....to break through barriers."

Keep holding on, always strive to do the best when you feel like you deserve the worst. Don't give up please, please.

[dcs_no1_fan]

Freewill I hope that things are better for you if I had friends like you have said yours friends are like then I would be glade not to have them in my life.

I was very lucky when I started getting my ED I have all my friends saying that I needed help some pushed me to see the doc more than others & that made me put my foot down more then when I was at my lowest weight they all backed of & said you dont want are help but when you do were all here for you & thats when I said ok I do need help & I saw someone & they have all been very supportive of me they dont know how to handle what im going through or how to talk about it but they are there if I need them & thats worth more than anything in the world even though I know that I can not talk to tham is nice to know if they could help they would but as they have never been here its to hard to ask for there help.