Hi, new to this. Struggling with eating disoder/addiction transfer/body image

I am currently in a strange spot in my life. 7 years ago, I developed an eating disorder, anorexia/bulimia. I went to out patient treatment for it and ended up kicked out because I refused to become impatient after I admitted to restricting and cutting myself.
From there I continuously struggled with food and body image as an intense obsession. Once I finally started eating becoming somewhat less concerned with how thin I was, I became addicted to xanax.
My drug abuse got bad and I ended up in rehab when I was 17.
Since then I have been sober, for the most part, but find that my addiction transfers from thing to thing. Right now, my obsession is my body and tracking my food on an app.
I am a personal trainer, was a competitive powerlifter and now switching over to bodybuilding. So a lot of what I do has to do with exercise/nutrition and of course building bodies (including my own)
I just finished dieting and am the leanest I';ve ever been and am now beginning to slowly come out the diet and raise my calories weekly.
It has been pointed out to me tracking every single gram of food I eat and cnstantly calculating stuff in the app is my addiction/obsession. I am also CONSTANTLY checking my body in the mirror mainly my love handles. I take pictures of myself multiple times a day and compare to pics from a few days ago/last week/a month ago and so on and I;ll sit there and do that for a while at time. I am terrified of letting this obsession go and seeking help because I am terrified of becoming fat. This isn;'t the first time this has happened after dieting down, and obsessing over tracking my food. But when I let go of the obsession last time, the obsession shifted to food and I binged to the point of sickness daily and became the thickest I;ve ever been and I am terrified of that happening again.
But I want to make a change, I want the addiction to stop overall. I don't want it to transfer to food once I stop obsessing over the numbers and being lean. But I am so scared.

Hello and welcome!

As blase as it sounds, have you tried the therapy route? You're in a good place by confronting the fact that you do this excessively, maybe just having a person in your life to chat you through it is all you need. Of course, you can always come here to talk to us, also.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need a listening ear

Welcome! We are glad to have you on Psych Central!

Welcome and thinking of you xo

Hello and welcome to PsychCentral.

I hope you find this site to be as helpful as I have. It's a great place to share your thoughts and receive feedback and support.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. This is a lovely forum and I hope that you like it as much as myself. If you need anything then don't hesitate to message me