Getting easier

I know when I'm getting stressed out. My eating habits change. I'm either emotional eating or emotional not-eating. As time goes on and especially lately, I'm getting to not wanting to eat. It's like I'd love to lose 20 pounds overnight if I could. I'm not eating much right now, and when I do, I "lose" half of it immediately after. I was thinking it's like I don't deserve to have food in my body. The more I do this recently, the more anxious I get. I think the anxiety is from doing it and I know that it's wrong. It's just so damn easy! I don't normally even need anything to trigger a gag reflex to bring things up--I can do it on my own usually. It was really hard in the beginning, but it didn't take long to learn how to do it better and without using anything. And it continues to get easier. Easier to do, easier to get more out. I know that I'm heading for trouble. Almost every time I'll do this, I notice slight bleeding in what comes up. I don't usually need much effort, and it still happens. It's almost rare not to. I think that I didn't notice any bleeding only once or twice of all the times I've done anything. Things have been more frequent over the past month or two. Bulimia pretty much really first surfaced in February this year, gradually building up. I went a while without after that first time in February. I'm just really scared right now. Scared about this and a lot of things. My life is so crazy and effed up right now, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to talk to my kid's T. I'd like to, but I'm too afraid. That's kind of a PTSD thing with him, and him knowing things about me. I just don't know what to do. I'm being bulimic right now because I can. I feel like I don't deserve to have food in me. I'm not eating much of anything lately, but when I do I'll purge until I'm satisfied. Maybe until I can't feel much left, or until I tire of it. It could last 15 minutes or a half-hour. Once I start, it's hard to stop. I want to keep going. It's getting so much easier.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inkblot}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know what to tell you. You know it hurts you. You are a good and valuable person who deserves to be fed, and doesn't deserve to be hurt like this. I'm proud of you for coming out and telling us so straightforwardly. That urge to keep it a secret is part of the eating disorder, and you really need to fight it. PTSD just makes it that much harder, but there are people who care about you and want to help you if you will let them.

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

Update us on this would ya Inky. This is my first time reading it. I'm concerned about you.

Emmy

"Compassion is my religion" - The Dalai Lama

Hey, there! I've gotten a little better. I've been keeping things down and doing okay with that for the most part. I've had some impulses to do things, but haven't acted on them as of yet. I won't hold out and make any promises. I'm surprised that I haven't done anything more yet. I've thought about it and wanted to do at times, but, um, held it in. My stomach has been bothering me so much from not taking my usual stomach medication, that one of these days I may just be bulimic just to take some pressure off my stomach. I have thought about it. I usually take a prescription to prevent stomach irritations/ulcers/IBS. Eating right now makes my stomach and chest hurt, plus cramps and diarrhea. I was drinking Mountain Dew more for a while, so that kind of made the problem worse. I've been taking alot of ibuprofen, too, and that's not good either. If I had money to fill my prescriptions, it would help. I have expensive brands for my stomach and pain meds, so I won't be filling these prescriptions anytime soon without insurance.

Maybe you've already explained this....but have you applied for medicaid, or whatever supplemental health you benefits you can in your state? Also you were going for a job interview last I chatted with you...how did that turn out? Emmy

"Compassion is my religion" - The Dalai Lama

If its the one working with severely mentally ill as a coach, I didn't go to an interview. I got to thinking about something more than just my skills and qualifications for the job--I also started thinking about MY OWN mental health. If I worked around psychiatrist/psychologists, I'd go nuts (literally! LOL) if they got on my case about anything. I worked at a University health service building once, and my coworkers were constantly asking me if I ate, what did I eat, how much did I eat, and offering, "Here, eat some of my..." and try to feed me. I was kind of underweight, shall I say? I was about 100 pounds. I started going nuts and was never more anxious in picking out my clothes for the day! I wanted to dress to look good and slim, but I didn't want them STARING, and trying to feed me all day long like they always would. Never in my life had the expression "I have nothing to wear!" been more appropriate for how I was feeling. That was too much anxiety. I can only imagine that it would be worse if the aggravation came from coworker psych doctors.

I'm probably going to regret someday not going to an interview there too. But for now, it's probably the best. The state I'm in now, I probably don't belong working full-time with that group of people. I'm potentially one of them.