[Blueberrybook]

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

I feel like I might be running a fever. We did have a surprise birthday party at my Grandma’s house Saturday for my mom, who turns 60 on the 23rd. She actually was really surprised. On the other hand, my aunt who is nearly always a bit sick with something was there; she’s not a hypochondriac but has lupus, and it makes her immune system weaker than it would otherwise be. Also, my 3 nieces were there. The youngest is 4, and the other 2 are in kindergarten and 2nd grade, so lots of germs.

Lucy, you asked if I am running from something. Maybe? I know definitely to get away from my problems. I like when I dissociate and lose myself in my head or sometimes even just sort of be. I can always bring myself out of it. I have dissociated since I was a young girl, so it is an old coping technique for me. Weirdly too, I sometimes wonder if the running, the whole ED really is a means of self harm less obvious than cutting (which I used to do in college but have not now for nearly 20 years). Is the running a substitute? I wish I knew.

Going to take my temperature now though I am pretty certain I have a slight fever.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I hope everyone is doing okay

I have been struggling with negative thoughts lately towards my body so I wrote them down in my journal then wrote down alternative statements that are actually true and not coming from the eating disorder. It's easy to just let it go and believe all the negative thoughts about myself and go along with all the stupid destructive ideas but I have to start fighting back and counteracting them

Wonderful to combat the negative ed thoughts. I've been fighting negative thoughts too lately and it really helps. I'm doing well, thank you. Feeling better since I haven't drank and am eating more healthier. I know I am doing my body and liver good.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

I feel like I might be running a fever. We did have a surprise birthday party at my Grandma’s house Saturday for my mom, who turns 60 on the 23rd. She actually was really surprised. On the other hand, my aunt who is nearly always a bit sick with something was there; she’s not a hypochondriac but has lupus, and it makes her immune system weaker than it would otherwise be. Also, my 3 nieces were there. The youngest is 4, and the other 2 are in kindergarten and 2nd grade, so lots of germs.

Lucy, you asked if I am running from something. Maybe? I know definitely to get away from my problems. I like when I dissociate and lose myself in my head or sometimes even just sort of be. I can always bring myself out of it. I have dissociated since I was a young girl, so it is an old coping technique for me. Weirdly too, I sometimes wonder if the running, the whole ED really is a means of self harm less obvious than cutting (which I used to do in college but have not now for nearly 20 years). Is the running a substitute? I wish I knew.

Going to take my temperature now though I am pretty certain I have a slight fever.

I try to escape from my problems in various ways, too. It's sometimes hard to look at bleak reality. Been wanting to binge a bit lately. Got to find better things to do than that, though. I don't know what yet...have to give it a lot of thought. Something I can do with less energy. I do love music and put it on a lot lately. I have spotify and got the premium now. They have so many different types of music and some is so soothing, too. I find that helpful for my anxiousness. Sorry you aren't feeling well. Please take good care of you. Hope you feel better.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I try to escape from my problems in various ways, too. It's sometimes hard to look at bleak reality. Been wanting to binge a bit lately. Got to find better things to do than that, though. I don't know what yet...have to give it a lot of thought. Something I can do with less energy. I do love music and put it on a lot lately. I have spotify and got the premium now. They have so many different types of music and some is so soothing, too. I find that helpful for my anxiousness. Sorry you aren't feeling well. Please take good care of you. Hope you feel better.

Lucy, I love listening to music too. What type of music do you like to listen to? I have a lot of music on iTunes (back from the time period when people actually bought physical CDs, I'm feeling ancient), also songs I got cheaper on Amazon when I had a very simplified Samsung Walkman mp3 music player. It was a project putting all the CD music onto iTunes (which combined my collection with my husband's collection before we got married). The Amazon music does translate to iTunes, but I didn't do it when I bought it because iTunes always runs SO slow on my computer, and I didn't even have a smartphone then. Now, I've got an iPhone (a couple really, because I've dropped a few and cracked them, but one still works, it just doesn't have service but will play music when I run and even MapMyRun or MapMyWalk. It's got Bluetooth, but I'm unsure if phones without cell service can get GPS data (if anyone knows about the GPS thing, I'd love to know). They are both old iPhones and refurbished, a 5S and a 5C, I think though they are pretty much alike except we paid more for my one with service to have extra memory (I have had to promise I will not take this phone running or walking to H as I've destroyed so many exercising). But to be fair, I once fried one of those Sony Walkman mp3 players by dropping it into a public toilet by accident (don't ask). I did not fix it out. Figured it was finished as it wasn't waterproof, but those cost less than smartphones, at least back in the day. I am still working on getting the older Amazon mp3s onto iTunes, especially the songs I really like. I'll want to put a song on my phone and then think, wait, haven't I bought that already? A computer search will reveal I have it with Amazon mp3s. Sometimes iTunes will take and translate several mp3s at once and sometimes not; my iTunes is really volatile if you didn't buy the song directly from the iTunes store; I don't know, maybe everyone's is that way. Plus, my computer has a bug that causes it to randomly freeze (not just on iTunes though more on iTunes than anything else), and it then requires a hard re-boot, which is a pain. But I like to change up my playlists a lot, so I spend a lot of time working on that?

Do you have Netflix or Amazon Prime, Vudu, any shows you can binge watch or maybe people have channels on YouTube (I know some are free with commercials or the shows broken up) they can suggest?

I like to play simple games on my iPad when I get feeling the way you are, no energy to do much. Do you have a tablet? I will download free games for color-by-number or cross-stitch (cross-stitch world is a fun one). They will give you a certain number of pictures for free, then you have to buy or redo the old pictures. You will get some credit for doing new pics, but not redoing the old. But they do give you some of their cash daily for logging in, and every Wednesday, they post a free code on cross-stitch world community on Facebook for a free picture, plus you can make one pic of your own daily & accept one from a friend (though they are smaller pics and give hardly any credit when done). But when I get to that point, I just find a new similar game (I like word games like Tile Twist too), download it, play the free puzzles, then remove it if I need the storage space on my tablet and find a new simple game requiring little thinking to play. Often, I listen to music while playing those games or the TV. I like true crime stuff, so often I watch Investigation Discovery. Really, I like mostly like listening to shows that are narrated, so you don't have to pay 100% attention to the TV. I will watch the history channel or Science channel, whatever has some narration going on and a topic that interests me a bit.

[Blueberrybook]

Raining today. Supposed to let up around 9, 10 AM, may try running then. I like to run early though, so it's frustrating, but rain fries my electronics, and I love to listen to music while running. Got an awesome $5 deal on wireless over the head earphones that work with Bluetooth on an after Christmas clearance sale, and so far, so good. I never can keep earbuds in, and lately, I have been having one side on wired headphones go out on various brands while running. I looked it up online and it has to do with the repetitive motion & the wires (and possibly them catching on my Fitbit or just being not as good as they once were because wired earphones used to last me over a year, not just a couple runs or almost a month at the longest). Also, I have the Fitbit I don't want to fry. It's a Fitbit Surge, which they discontinued though I think they may still sell some on Amazon and definitely refurbished on eBay (where I got mine). I like it because it is one of the few Fitbits with built in GPS that does not require your cellphone Bluetooth for GPS (much cheaper than the Fitbit Ionic, which I think is maybe the only other one with built in GPS, IDK, could be a newer one that has the GPS).

See the pdoc tomorrow, first time since November as he let me have 3 phone appts. since last coming in. I hate the thought of the scale. My weight has not changed much, but I am more compact from running a lot, so I look smaller, and with the time gap too, he will probably weigh me and likely send me to the PCP for labs as I have not had any done since June. He has not been happy with my weight since I fully recovered from my ulcer surgery (maybe June 2018 or so?); before then, I guess he figured it was OK I had lost weight because a perforated ulcer surgery is very radical and causes rapid weight loss (you can look up the standard treatment online and see what I mean if you like). But my old pdoc never fretted about weight in this range. Hopefully, once he sees that I more or less maintain in a 5 lb. range or so, he will get over it. He was already all on about hospitalization when I weighed a couple pounds more (my old pdoc would not have been) or going on Remeron (never, never again; I never felt full no matter how much I ate on that drug, ever, so I threw it out; it also made me extremely tired all day). And he has a stupid scale that weighs 5 lb. lower than everyone else's (mine, my PCP, the dermatologist, the GI doc). I don't know if he realizes this or if he calibrates it that way to make up for the possibility of water loading, but it makes your weight look worse than it is if you are on the low end.

[Blueberrybook]

How is everyone doing? I am nervous about seeing the pdoc tomorrow morning.

[Blueberrybook]

Pdoc appt. went fine. No change in medication. I asked if I could go back down to Seroquel 400 mg, and he said not yet. No weighing, so I must have looked OK to him. Actually did hair & makeup for a change today. Still ran, but not as much as yesterday.

[Gr3tta_0]

I have been cleaning like a tornado! 😀 As a result my kitchen is rearranged better, so I've been more inclined to cook. I made a huge batch of veggie broth last weekend, and have now made veggie soup with different ingredients twice.
I also got an email at work i HOPE is good news.
Now if it would just stop freaking snowing!!!!!!

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Lucy, I love listening to music too. What type of music do you like to listen to? I have a lot of music on iTunes (back from the time period when people actually bought physical CDs, I'm feeling ancient), also songs I got cheaper on Amazon when I had a very simplified Samsung Walkman mp3 music player. It was a project putting all the CD music onto iTunes (which combined my collection with my husband's collection before we got married). The Amazon music does translate to iTunes, but I didn't do it when I bought it because iTunes always runs SO slow on my computer, and I didn't even have a smartphone then. Now, I've got an iPhone (a couple really, because I've dropped a few and cracked them, but one still works, it just doesn't have service but will play music when I run and even MapMyRun or MapMyWalk. It's got Bluetooth, but I'm unsure if phones without cell service can get GPS data (if anyone knows about the GPS thing, I'd love to know). They are both old iPhones and refurbished, a 5S and a 5C, I think though they are pretty much alike except we paid more for my one with service to have extra memory (I have had to promise I will not take this phone running or walking to H as I've destroyed so many exercising). But to be fair, I once fried one of those Sony Walkman mp3 players by dropping it into a public toilet by accident (don't ask). I did not fix it out. Figured it was finished as it wasn't waterproof, but those cost less than smartphones, at least back in the day. I am still working on getting the older Amazon mp3s onto iTunes, especially the songs I really like. I'll want to put a song on my phone and then think, wait, haven't I bought that already? A computer search will reveal I have it with Amazon mp3s. Sometimes iTunes will take and translate several mp3s at once and sometimes not; my iTunes is really volatile if you didn't buy the song directly from the iTunes store; I don't know, maybe everyone's is that way. Plus, my computer has a bug that causes it to randomly freeze (not just on iTunes though more on iTunes than anything else), and it then requires a hard re-boot, which is a pain. But I like to change up my playlists a lot, so I spend a lot of time working on that?

Do you have Netflix or Amazon Prime, Vudu, any shows you can binge watch or maybe people have channels on YouTube (I know some are free with commercials or the shows broken up) they can suggest?

I like to play simple games on my iPad when I get feeling the way you are, no energy to do much. Do you have a tablet? I will download free games for color-by-number or cross-stitch (cross-stitch world is a fun one). They will give you a certain number of pictures for free, then you have to buy or redo the old pictures. You will get some credit for doing new pics, but not redoing the old. But they do give you some of their cash daily for logging in, and every Wednesday, they post a free code on cross-stitch world community on Facebook for a free picture, plus you can make one pic of your own daily & accept one from a friend (though they are smaller pics and give hardly any credit when done). But when I get to that point, I just find a new similar game (I like word games like Tile Twist too), download it, play the free puzzles, then remove it if I need the storage space on my tablet and find a new simple game requiring little thinking to play. Often, I listen to music while playing those games or the TV. I like true crime stuff, so often I watch Investigation Discovery. Really, I like mostly like listening to shows that are narrated, so you don't have to pay 100% attention to the TV. I will watch the history channel or Science channel, whatever has some narration going on and a topic that interests me a bit.

Lately my music choices have changed and I'm using Spotify and got the Premium, free for the first month. I lately like the lighter sounds. Used to listen to loud rock no roll but my nerves can't handle it lately. I like all sorts of music. I like to try new kinds. I discovered Indie and like that a lot. I like folk and instrumentals, too.

I don't have Netflix any longer because I think I watched many/most of the longer seasons shows and now seems like all they have is shows with 1 season and I've watched them and waited for new seasons and they don't have them yet. I'll try Netflix again in the future when they have more seasons. I love ID channel and watching the murder mysteries. Only thing is that if I watch them too much I start getting paranoid about strangers! LOL You never know what people are up to in this world.

I don't have a tablet and mostly us my desktop pc and also my smartphone by wifi as it's not in service. I have another smaller smart phone for emergencies I keep in my purse charged, hopefully..

Sounds like you do lots of interesting things to keep yourself occupied.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Pdoc appt. went fine. No change in medication. I asked if I could go back down to Seroquel 400 mg, and he said not yet. No weighing, so I must have looked OK to him. Actually did hair & makeup for a change today. Still ran, but not as much as yesterday.

It's funny how when we worry about something it sometimes doesn't happen. Glad he didn't weigh you as I know that is hard on you.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta_0

I have been cleaning like a tornado! 😀 As a result my kitchen is rearranged better, so I've been more inclined to cook. I made a huge batch of veggie broth last weekend, and have now made veggie soup with different ingredients twice.
I also got an email at work i HOPE is good news.
Now if it would just stop freaking snowing!!!!!!

I was cleaning quite a bit too and it feels so good to get that accomplished. Got rid of a lot of dust that was bothering me. I love veggie soup. I made lentil soup the other day. It's not bad. I know it's good for me, too. I like eating healthier now but still have my snacks. Learning to have just a little...hope it keeps on working. Glad you are doing well.

[LucyD]

I've been up since early. Icing my back as it's been hurting. Going to make a physical therapy appointment today. I hate to have to go out when it's so cold though. I did go out to CVS for a new ice pack this morning, though. Also got batteries for my TENS device so I can use that on my back, too.

Just watching ID channel.

back hurting too today.

took a shower this morning but that's my limit for the day.

going to finish here and watch bizardvark, and try to feel greatful that I'm still here, and I've made it through the week despite the backpain

fish and chips for dinner.

I am extremely grateful tonight because one of my favorite shows is starting up again on monday (coach trip), about these people who go off on a tour (like a reality type thing)

I want it to be here now!

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

fish and chips for dinner.

I am extremely grateful tonight because one of my favorite shows is starting up again on monday (coach trip), about these people who go off on a tour (like a reality type thing)

I want it to be here now!

I always love it, too, when one of my shows starts up again. Can't wait for The Voice to air again. I been trying to eat some fish lately, too, had salmon the other day. I thought it would taste horrible but it really wasn't bad.

Originally Posted by LucyD

I always love it, too, when one of my shows starts up again. Can't wait for The Voice to air again. I been trying to eat some fish lately, too, had salmon the other day. I thought it would taste horrible but it really wasn't bad.

the english version of the voice started up again a couple of weeks ago.

one of the judges is tom jones and he's really good

still in a lot of chronic pain.

getting dressed today was an absolute nightmare and I lost my patience with my back on several ocasions (I know, I'm so bad!)

music on now and just chilling. probably should do something and make the most of the day... but do what, exactly.

it's not like I really want to do anything

I'm excited for this evening, new takeout place opened up next to me that does pizza, and guess who's going to try it?

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

the english version of the voice started up again a couple of weeks ago.

one of the judges is tom jones and he's really good

That's so cool! Haven't seen Tom Jones in ages. I used to love his music.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

still in a lot of chronic pain.

getting dressed today was an absolute nightmare and I lost my patience with my back on several ocasions (I know, I'm so bad!)

music on now and just chilling. probably should do something and make the most of the day... but do what, exactly.

it's not like I really want to do anything

Sorry you are struggling so with the pain. I am, too. Can be so frustrating to manuever with pain. When I don't feel like doing anything that's exactly what I do, nothing. After awhile I get bored and do something or another.

Originally Posted by LucyD

That's so cool! Haven't seen Tom Jones in ages. I used to love his music.

yeah, he's good. very strong voice.

despite me not really liking male singers, he's an exception

Originally Posted by LucyD

Sorry you are struggling so with the pain. I am, too. Can be so frustrating to manuever with pain. When I don't feel like doing anything that's exactly what I do, nothing. After awhile I get bored and do something or another.

bordom certainly takes over

sometimes

strangely enough though (or maybe it's not so strange), chilling and doing nothing doesn't really make me bored. it takes a hell of a lot of sitting around to make me bored (or having no computer), that makes me angry and agitated

very anxious this afternoon.

this pizza place I'm ordering from only do chicken wings in 7, and when it comes to food, I need to have 8- no more and no less

so I am a bit anxious and shaking. ordering 14 is just as bad- then I have too much, I only need 8

[Albatross2008]

Today begins my first day of the required food journaling in preparation for bariatric surgery.

An hour and a half after breakfast, which was duly logged, I find myself not hungry at all, but with an overwhelming urge to munch mindlessly. I am so far resisting that urge. In another hour and a half, or if I actually do get hungry, I'll snack, and I'll log the snack. But I'm training myself not to eat unless I do feel physically hungry.

Currently sipping water.

[Blue_Bird]

I've been eating healthy today. The past couple weeks were not good in terms of food, I binged on all kinds of junk food......at least I didn't

Possible trigger:

purge

I've gained weight and am very frustrated with it. It makes me want to go in the opposite direction and restrict again but I know that will just result in a massive binge eventually and back into the stupid cycle.

Started doing yoga and drinking more water