I.Need.Hugs. :(

Nobody irl sees this at all. That or they don't care. Can I blame them? I'm pretty much a wreck. I feel like there are multiple "me's"
My weight defines me. Not even just the number, not even just the image reflected by the cruel mirrors that surround me, but by the weight I feel. If I eat, I feel like crap. If I don't eat, my grades slip...it's senior year and they're slipping it's....not good. My stomach is bloated, water diet, if I drink enough water my body will eventually expel what's left within. (I am trying to never use laxatives etc...simply to avoid being hooked on yet another dangerous habit).

I want somebody to see, to care, to feel with me. Or at least to slap me across the face and validate me--make me see that I am even capable of feeling anything besides "fat/okay/failure/not good enough". I feel like my friends irl are leaving me...abandoning me...I need them because when I know they care about me I am able to care about myself. without knowing that they care...I struggle to care at all. (but maybe they do care and I just don't notice it. I think i might be BPD...I don't freaking know. I jsut don't make my needs known to them...they cant' read minds...but I can't express it...they used to know though...I never used to have to say it but maybe they're waiting for me to say something and they notice something's wrong but don't want to pressure me...god I am so confused!!!!!!!), at the same time i'm waiting for the college of my dreams to finally send me their letter...to finally confirm my strong beliefs that I didn't get in. I'm sure it will say "we're sorry, you just weren't smart enough. if only you were better, smarter, we might have considered you. but alas you are not. sucks for you. you are pathetic." Within the next two or three days I should be receiving that notice. wonder how I'll react to that..hmm...god i dunno.

i'm sorry. i make no sense. i talk philosophy and explore the meanings in life simply because i know i will never be able to grasp them. i explore just to feel like i'm doing something meaning ful. they all praise me for exploring, for treading the ground that many avoid...but i feel like an outcast more than i feel any kind of honor. i feel...bad. for lack of better words. i'm failing again, i'm sorry. freewill...if you read this...i'm sorry. i feel like i'm letting you down..letting everyone down...letting me down...i'm sorry.

You could never,,, never let me down.... we are in this together.. you and me.. supporting each other...

You.. are an intelligent... insightful person.... think about what you are able to accomplish with hardly any nutrition... it is awesome!!!!!!

So.. if you got nutrition in you... you would be even more awesome...

and if you need a friend IRL... to come.. and help.. I will be there... and do the "wake-up" call....

you are too... too valuable to lose..... you are too special...

I think sweetie that your body is just so tired... you sound so worn out and sad.... and your IRL friends... love you... they care...

please... please... eat......

((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

It sounds like your friends WANT to care, if they only knew...you are reaching out here why not try IRL, too? It's like you say, they can't read minds..if you have trouble expressing it you could print out this post and show it to the friend you feel most comfortable with...as far as intelligence..you write so well and with such articulation..I'm sure you have a bright future ahead of you....write back?

Thanks guys. Nobody will lose me...I never go anywhere.
It's kind of funny how people do/say thing sometimes that make a huge impact, but they have no clue that they've helped. One of my bests irl sent me a random message on myspace "i love you!"
such a little thing...but it helped.

i'm thinking of eliminating some stress. I already dropped one of my classes for next semester and I'm considering dropping another one--my math class. it's a huge source of stress..i hate math and the teacher pretty much tells us we're stupid every day before class starts. I don't need that right now. and honestly i don't need the credit from the class either...I hope I can get out of it...maybe it will help.

oh my god. how bout this: GOOD news!

that college of my dreams I wrote about....they ACCEPTED ME!
I'm in!
I'm so happy...I ate chocolate. go me

Remember that it's hard on your friends to know exactly the right things to say to you, how to support you, etc. It's not easy to openly talk about ED, food and weight issues with friends. See it from their point of view. Know that they do love you but just don't know what to do.
Blessings*
Ocean

WOOT good fo u lil bit, its great u got in. see? you arent stupid or pathetic like u said above. ok?
remember that u got in cuz ur smart right
((((((((lil bit))))))))
wishing u well
dot

(((((((((((lil_bit))))))))))))))))))))

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sweetie.... that is the best.. best... best news....

and.. now... you and me... have to eat.... k????

blah. food...hates me...and I think the feeling is mutual. stress...I was just informed that the abuse I suffered as a kid...that I thought began when I was 4...apparently was going on before my memory caught on...and by the parent I thought was the protector of my child self. I'm trying to deal...to tell myself that life now is the same whether I know that information or not...that I shouldn't let it affect me now...so hard to convince myself. I almost cried...because honestly all I want is a hug...and I NEVER cry...very rarely will I hug with the exception of one or two people...I fear that this is bigger on a subconscious level than I want it to be.

(((((((((LIL_BIT)))))))))

If I were there, I'd give you one in person! Such a Little Thing, a hug, but SO powerful. My newest daughter wasn't sure she wanted to hug either, but she adopted me as a second Mom and I'm a hugger. Now she looks forward to them when she's here ... and to hearing, "I love you" from someone who really does.

I don't have any magic words of wisdom for you, Honey. I can't tell you that accepting hugs from more than one or two people will "cure" all your problems. It hasn't "cured" my daughter ... but it's a start. So ask the people you're comfortable with to hug you ... lots! And hug them back so you can FEEL how powerful a hug really is.

"Start slowly and add gradually" It's advice I give to people who are just starting to exercise but maybe it applies here, too. Maybe you could ask for a hug from the <u>third</u> person you feel comfortable with ... maybe you could start by giving cyber-hugs to other people here who need them. You know how good it feels to get hugs? Well, it feels just as good to give them! Just start.

Congratulations on getting into the college of your dreams! You are one smart cookie ... or shouldn't I mention food in this forum? LOL! Do you mind sharing the college you'll be attending?

Hang in there, Lil Bit, and remember ...

LIFE IS A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT!

GoodMama

I am there with you in your pain... in your sorrow.. in your grief... and I am hugging you so very tight.. you are my friend.. our ages matter not... so your pain is my pain...
Finding out this information hurts... I know.. I have been thru the process.....
and.. sweetie.. please eat for me.. and for you....

(((((lil_bit)))))

I am sending you this gentle hug. I do care and I hear what you are saying. I am glad you are reaching out here. Sometimes talking helps more than you know. Congratulations on getting into the college you wanted!! That is really good news, and I wish you well there.

As far as hugs goes, I know how hard it is to accept them. For a long time it hurt to be hugged or touched. My T would give me hugs by wrapping her arms around herself telling me this was for me. It took a long time, but I finally allowed her to hug me. Sometimes I would leave her office without getting one and would feel miserable and go back to get one.

I am sorry you have found out knew information. I know how that goes and it can be hard. But please know you are not alone. We are here to hold up one another and support each other. Your friends IRL may not know how. They may not realize what you feel. Give them a chance--slowly. As you feel safe. And keep your head up, you are doing a good job.

Know I am there with you and you can write to me anytime you need to. You have hurt enough--dear. I too know how hard food issues are but please be safe. Keep posting--you are not alone.

cami

thanks guys...it always helps to raise my spirits a little when I read your caring replies...I tried so hard to talk to somebody irl last night...one was asleep...the other had to wrap presents...hmph. So I took tylenol pm and passed out for 12 hrs. I have this senior book thing that everyone is signing before I move across the country for college...they write goodbye notes to me and say things about our friendship and such...and it seems like the people I'm closest to are basically writing "it was nice knowing you...buh bye now" and the people I don't care about are like "good luck there I am SO proud of you I will miss you so much and I hope I can come visit you!"

I am being pushed away when I most need it...and I don't understand why. I'm still here! Don't they see me?! I am still here for 8 more months..that's a long time...why are they trying to free themselves of me right now??