One extreme to the other

For a couple weeks I ate, much of it junk food. Part of that time I was sick and had a sore throat, so I had mostly ice cream. Lots of calories during this time. I had no energy to work out at the gym. I had a fever, so I find it almost impossible to enjoy the sauna.

Now I am feeling better but still some residual, I have more energy again, hormones changed and 10 pounds more. My weight got just to where it should be--130. I could still see my ribs, but they were much more covered and lessened.

I had decided mid to late last week that I would lose the weight I gained after the weekend; timing would be better and easier then. I had set a goal to get my weight back down to 120 within 2 weeks.

I kept my own promise. I watched my eating all day. I finally went back to the gym yesterday. Starting out Monday morning my weight was 129.5 lbs. (I had reached 130 officially, though, prior to yesterday.) Last night it was 127. This morning it was 127 prior to workout and sauna, and 125 after.

I am back on various OTC pills that I used before to drop weight quickly, at least 2 lbs. a day or maybe more. In just 24 hours between Monday morning and the end of Tuesday morning--today--I lost about 5 pounds. I won't know how much I weigh next till tomorrow morning. But I know it will be lesser still.

I feel proud of myself, like I am doing a good thing taking all these pills and living off give or take 500 calories per day. I know its not exactly considered healthy. But I feel happy doing it. I haven't decided whether to see if my T notices and sees a change in my weight or to give him an early hint. I saw a card at the Hallmark store picturing a woman standing on a scale saying, "I've got to get lighter underwear." It's really funny--it's a Shoebox brand. If I got that, I'd write a note maybe something like, "They say a picture is worth a thousand words", and then include a little thank you note since he probably doesn't hear it often enough that he is appreciated. Maybe that's kind of weird to do both together, I don't know. I'm really enjoying this though, losing the weight like this. Hope I don't learn to enjoy it too much. There is still something in the back of my mind telling me to keep going after 120. I don't know. There are too many ways for people to deal with stress. Why can't we all react one way and not have to worry about stuff like this? This is just a stress reaction. I know, something I can control. Crazy.

Your fears about being tempted to keep going are probably well founded, or at least that's been my experience. You already know that 500 calories per day is Not OK for your body, so I won't bother bringing that up to you, nor will I bother to tell you that those OTC pills are Not Good for you.

I'm hardly an expert on any of this, just someone who has battled weight and eating issues for almost 30 years now. My experience has told me that, in order to be safe from this, I have to gain enough to get out of my own personal danger zone. Getting into the bottom end of my "Ideal Weight Range" usually isn't enough, that's a danger zone for me because it's so danged easy to fall into wanting to lose just another five pounds.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, and hope that you can -- somehow -- get your mind around it being OK to get to a normal, healthy weight and eat normally again. I'm not there right now, but I remember what it was like -- having spent almost a decade pretty much symptom free -- and it was *good*! I could actually eat something because I *wanted* to -- with no debate, no guilt, just wanting something and eating it. And it would taste so good, because it felt so free.

The best reason I can offer you for working on this honestly is just that it can keep coming up throughout your life, again and again, even when you think you've finally overcome it. That's been my problem, at least. It's not a case of seeking a cure, for me, so much as reaching remission and then managing it so that it stays in remission.

Best luck.