[itsjustme111]

Not feeling so well right now. I couldnt even come on here last night because the room was spinning. I hate looking in the mirror! Last night my bf went and got me something to eat, he was so worried. I ate it, more for him though. I dont want to worry him. I have not told him whats going on in this regard, but he knows. I have a throat infection from purging, its a mess. I could barely talk last night it hurts so much. So anyway, I ate this disgusting food and got sick. My throat is so raw it was bleeding. I feel so unsteady, it scares the heck out of me. But yet its just not that easy to eat a darn thing. I had to eat today to take my pills; I had a few crackers with some cheese. I feel so gross now. Why cant I keep this food inside? I hate this so much. and I dont like myself. I feel so ashamed, what am I doing to myself?

justy

[itsjustme111]

Just something I wanted to ask; Anyone here feel like food is a enemy and the thoughts of food make u feel total and complete disgust?? How do u deal with these thoughts??

justy

[Why_W8]

Justy:

I am a food addict who is struggling to maintain a 70 pound weight loss (and I have been maintaining for the last 14 years). While I am really attempting to understand your ‘space’ (and thanks for being so honest), I do understand mine.

Besides having a love-affair with food (my solace, friend and ‘feel good place’ during an abusive childhood) I have learned that my eating was ALSO about control, rebellion, resistance. After all, woman aren’t allowed to have BIG appetites!! Of course, I was out to prove THAT wrong! And at times when the world seemed to be having its way with me, I chose to control what I could…food.

Perhaps the purging is YOUR control…your way of justifying the ‘empty’ inside. After all, you ‘feel’ empty, why not BE empty?? I know for me, I had to really figure out what I was FEELING before I could control my behavior. I knew I was feeling ugly, unwanted and literally ‘hungry’ (STARVING) for comfort and love. I got that ‘filled up’ feeling from food…

I now know that I have places to go and people in my life to call upon when those ‘ugly, hungry’ feelings bubble to the surface again.

I am healing daily, I am at a normal body weight and I will not go back to obesity.

Justy—you can do this. Find a good mentor, source of support, or therapist. You have the power to rise above this…and the process is amazing!!!

J