[spebby]

I have just moved from a major Australian city to the Outback (very frontier!). I have left my doctor, my psychologist and my psychiatrist behind - as well as the private institution that would house me and keep me alive when I was determined not to do so. There are no support services for me here and my psychologist suggested that I try your forum to see if there was support that I could access online. I have noticed that you all seem to be American. I feel so far away. Is there anyone close to me?

[Genevieve]

Define "close"?

The geographical distance is probably not as important as the psychological nearness, if that makes any sense. It's hard when there are no close support services for you IRL, but forums like this can be a real lifeline nonetheless. I'm in America, but my husband is from NSW and we've talked about moving back to Victoria -- despite the part about having every season of the year every single day.

During periods when I'm unable to access support services, forums like this have been absolute life savers for me. Over the past six or seven years, I've learned so much from the people on them, and had the relief of finding others who have shared some of my own experiences with depression and with ED. For the most part, it's been better having the online community than face to face groups have been, just because it's so much easier to admit to some of the most emotionally challenging issues out loud. Give this place a chance, and see if you find it helpful.

No, it's certainly not the ideal solution. But it's certainly better than having no support whatsoever.

If you'd like to tell us something more about your situation, that might also help, since then people here can offer similar experiences, or tips and tricks that have helped, or even just tell you that you're not alone.

Hope that helps, even if we are pretty distant. (And, being in a big city, half a world away, I think I"d trade with you anytime you asked. I'm a recent immigrant to the city from a rural area, and I *hate* it here!)

[spebby]

Thanks for the support guys. I suppose the fact that you are all so very far away is not so important if you think the way I think, or at least understand or appreciate the way I think. That seems to be hardest for me. Most days I am just fine. I work really hard and my work fills my head. That is good. It is when I stop thinking that I run into trouble. So my nights are the worst. I agonise over eating, not eating, what to eat, what not to eat. Most of the time I end up with a carrot or some celery sticks. Several days a week I deliberately eat with other people so that I eat. I know that if I don't eat I can't think and if I can't think I can't work and I can't afford that - psychologically that nearly killed me two years ago.

I actually think I am doing pretty well, but I have times that are quite desperate. I still think about suicide - a lot. For me it is a control mechanism, just another form of control like my eating disorder. If I don't think that I can end my life whenever I want, then I can't function properly. Restricting what I eat is a slow but very effective part of that and it is my trump card.

Does anyone else feel like this? I did a lot of therapy over the last couple of years and I thought I was doing so very well to stop starving myself, but now I feel like I am stuck between a full blown eating disorder and normality. I am pretty sure 'normal people' don't constantly think about suicide and see a way to kill themselves with everything that they come across. Is this just part of my eating disorder or is it something entirely different?

Spebby from the Outback

[Genevieve]

You know, I do something sort of similar in a lot of situations: I come up with a sort of escape hatch in case of the worst happening. Whether it's "if I can't manage to do this project at work, I can just quit" or "if this doesn't get better, I can kill myself" or "if I'm thin enough, this other thing doesn't matter" or even something as ridiculous as "if I get too scared at that event, I can pretend to be sick so that I can leave." (I used to show horses, and would plan how to fall off at every jump in order to be disqualified.)

Sometimes I think that it's a very, very unhealthy thing, especially the thoughts of suicide, but other times I think it's kinda adaptive. Like with the horse shows, once I knew how to fall off and make it look like an accident at every fence, I knew that I didn't have to finish the course, so the pressure was off. I didn't have to be perfect, and I didn't even have to finish. On the other hand, using suicide as a fall back escape hatch isn't a very good idea. Having something more productive is probably healthier. Since I don't really have anything else myself right now, I can't tell you what it might be.

As for the eating, that's a complicating factor. Personally, I don't think of my eating in terms of slow suicide, it seems as if it helps me avoid suicide somehow. Maybe because it makes me feel as if I'm still struggling on through it all? I don't know. What I do know, though, is that if you lose enough weight, you start to encounter cognitive difficulties that make it much harder to address other issues.

What forms of health care are available to you where you are? Is there a primary care physician near enough for you to try to coordinate some sort of care, maybe with input from specialists farther away? And what sort of work are you doing out there? (Sorry, I am nosy. And I always wish we were on that funny continent, so love to hear about it.)

I hope something in there helps. Feel free to PM me if you would rather.

[apislily]

I also think about suicide as being my "escape hatch." Having it there just in case comforts me. When I ran cross-country in high school I did something similar to Genevieve's horse-jumping solution: I would watch for small cliffs to fall off or holes to turn my ankle in. Only did this once, when I was totally panicking. Everyone thought I was having an asthma attack so they were very sympathetic!

When I lived in a rural area I was on IRC every night in a room for people with mental illnesses. It helped a lot. I also had a worst-case scenario plan, how to get to a town a few hundred miles away with a good hospital in case I needed to be hospitalized. Fortunately I never did, but having the plan eased my mind a bit.

Also, would your psychologist be willing to do sessions over the phone? It wouldn't be the same as in-person, but it's better than nothing. Or maybe with cameras on the computer? My husband and I have used the cameras and headphones on our computers when apart. I forget what program we used, but I could find out if you're interested?

Good luck,
apislily

[blackdragon]

sorry to say im american.. But one day i hope to live in australia.. Its my favorite country.. (it must be australia zoo in queensland) But anyway its great that u found this place and hope it helps u.

[spebby]

Thanks for the support guys. I do have a primary care physician but she knows nothing of my history (of course) and I don't particularly want to tell her. Going through the whole story all over again is exhausting and I get a mixture of 'she won't believe me/I am making it sound too bad/it isn't really that big a deal' feelings. There are no appropriate specialists here nor hospitals (they really only cater for alcoholism). The nearest appropriate centre is five hours' flight away and from past experience, when I get bad enough to need help it doesn't occur to me to ask. In the past it is my friends who have watched me and intervened when certain things happened. Even when I have attempted suicide, the only thing that kept me alive was the fortuitous intervention of my friends rather than my decision not to do it. So I guess that worries me and I guess that the fact that it worries me is a good thing - it means that there must be a little bit inside me that doesn't want to do this.

As for what I do, I am a litigation lawyer. Up here that means lots of workers compensation (mining accidents, etc) and medical negligence (the medical care up here is really pretty atrocious). The point is that it gives me something to keep me busy while I try to figure out how to live. It also means that absolutely no one in my working environment knows that I have problems eating. Where I came from everyone knew and were supportive or at least didn't say things like 'you're so skinny why don't eat you eat more', etc. I just feel so alone up here.

Anyway, I had better do some work!
Spebby