[Bjork]

I'm so tired of living like this. Is there any hope for me? It's a
never ending stream of thoughts about what I am going to be eating next, when, where, etc. I spend my days planning out my mealplan and looking up things about Anorexia on the internet. I frequent sites such as this all day long. It's my life and I'm so tired of always thinking about my eating disorder and about food. It's weird, you'd think that with Anorexia that I'd never think about food, but it's the opposite. I'm always *planning*. Will I ever be "normal" or will it always be this way?

Bjork

[Genevieve]

Define "Normal"?

I'm only speaking for myself, here, because everyone's experience is different. I, too, am obsessed with food, and will think about what to eat, what to cook, etc, all the time. What's more, I'll even obsess about throwing away food that's close to spoiling, but not quite there yet. That's actually normal -- for anyone experiencing starvation. And htat's what AN is, starvation.

I've struggled on and off with AN for almost 30 years now, and there have been times when I just ate. You know, I'd be hungry, so I'd eat something. I would choose what I ate by what I wanted to eat, not by what would keep me from getting fat. I was as close to normal in my eating habits as I can be.

But it was still lurking in the back of my mind. I still felt a bit like a compulsive eater, and fat/lazy/weak willed/etc all those things that not eating kept me from feeling. Not all of the feelings went away, and my 'normal' weight often seemed depressingly fat to me.

But I was at a normal weight. And I did eat pretty normally.

Are you getting any treatment? Or, better question, what sort of treatment are you getting? How long have you been doing this? What is your situation, in terms of getting help? In school? Insured? (Yeah, I'm about to hit you with the practical stuff, but I'll do that later.)

For now, how about this: you're not alone, there are plenty of us out there. There is hope, and you can eat normally. Your obsession with food will pass when your eating and weight normalize, that's the good part. Although I can always get a good obsession going about things like chocolate eclairs...

Best luck to you, and welcome.

[Bjork]

Hello

Oh I should have posted a little about my background. I didn't think of that. I am 27 years old and have been suffering from Anorexia for 11 years. It's been at it's worst during the past 4 years, and I have been put into treatment 12 times because of it. I just got out of my last treatment stay in August from a place that I stayed a year at. It was a really good place. After being "refed" and gaining about 80 pounds, I'm now at a so-called "normal" weight (which I'm not sure I'm too happy with... ) Right now, I'm seeing a therapist that I have been seeing for three years, a dietitian that I have also been seeing for three years, a new doctor, and a new psychiatrist. He just upped my meds because of depression and whatnot. I have told my therapist about this (and other problems) somewhat, and she is getting worried again as she doesn't want me to go downhill again. As we put it, I've become "boring" again in therapy. All I talk about is weight and weight related things. I go in there with the best of intentions, but then it never goes well.

I've been lucky in terms of insurance. I have Medicaid since I do not have a job (once again due to the Anorexia... I was forced to resign my job because I was sick and have been hospitalized pretty much continuously ever since. I am just trying to get a job now and am not very successful). They paid for my entire year long stay at my last treatment center. My parents fought with them to pay because I was dying I'm not so sure that insurance from a job would have been s good to us

Anyway, so here I am, "normal" weight, eating more or less "normal" foods as agreed upon between myself and my dietitian, but with some ED behaviors (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention them), and still obsessed with what I eat and do not eat. It's terrible. That's pretty much my story. I hope that I got everything.

Thank you for replying so quickly! This is the first forum that I have found in a while that is not pro-anorexia!

Bjork

[Genevieve]

Aha! So you're getting what sounds like appropriate and intensive treatment, which is good, but still struggling. Gee, I haven't ever heard of any such thing...

Yeah, right!

Here's the question I'd ask you, if I were trying to challenge you to get past this plateau: What are you afraid of feeling? What is the ED shielding you from? That's what it is for me, a way to focus attention away from whatever is really bothering me. Usually what's really bugging me has something to do with fears of inadequacy, and those can be very frightening to address head on. So, I starve myself and get numb and obsess over my fat belly and my appearance.

It's only when I really get away from the ED that I can focus on other things, and obsess about other things. When I'm in the ED, I can only thing of things like what to eat, what not to eat, what I'd like to eat, and all that. When I'm out of it, I think about what I want to DO, what I will DO, you know?

Here's another thought for you, and considering how early it is right now, that's a stretch for me: can you find something like volunteer work, or a class, or something to DO while you're in recovery? Give you something to think about outside all this? Maybe even art therapy? It might help...

Best luck to you, and be well.