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#1
Apr 17, 2009, 02:13 PM
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I started not eating after a psychotic episode, and then somehow after time it turned into an eating disorder. In a way I want to look outside to everyone the way I feel inside. Does anyone else relate to this? I know that I have anorexia or I have been told by my doctors and have to be continually monitored but I don’t feel as if I have a problem. I jus feel that if I don’t eat I might one day die sooner than need be, had anyone else on the forum experiencing this at all? I obviously have the other signs like when I get weighed by my doctor I would not handle it if my weight had to have gone u, I have to make sure it is always going down, but I think my main issue is the other factors I mentioned. Just wanted to know anyone else’s thoughts on this.
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#2
Apr 17, 2009, 04:54 PM
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Hi Marie, and welcome!!!
 I completely relate to what you wrote. My eating disorder began as a result of a traumatic event and the anxiety and depression, but then it developed into it's own thing. My T and I just talked about this the other day - how the ED is a way to dissociate from the painful feelings, and how it is a 'manifestation' of my internal feelings. I am also terrified of gaining weight and only feel secure when the number goes down. My ED has become the main way I cope with everything.  My T says that once I resolve the trauma issues the ED will have less of a hold on me. I can't imagine this happening - can't imagine a time when the ED will ever truly go away.....I don't really have any good advice insights for you, except to tell you that you are not alone!!  Take care. 
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#3
Apr 17, 2009, 05:41 PM
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#4
Apr 17, 2009, 08:39 PM
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I think you can get close to where you used to be before the ED took off. But you will never forget what your going through now so you can't go back to where you were. At least thats the way It is for me . It changes you inwardly where it used to be outwardly. The needing to be a size smaller . There was a buffer zone I tired to get for myself . Kinda like this is good but I could use a few pounds less to cover for any wieght gain I might have . Like a savinga account or insurance against getting heavy . I think thats behind feeling good seeing the numbers go down instead of up. And its a kind of accomplishment . Ktgirl . I just feel like Hugging you. I think your T is right and as much as I don't want it to be true for you. I still want to turn to food when I get scared or worried my boundries will get moved in on . Sometimes I have just random fear. I believe this comes from trauma. Its a way to avaoid feelings and sometimes it becomes an excuse for not having to do things. At Times the thought has gone through my head Il just stop eating . Thats usually a sign Im feeling pretty angry /hurt or helpless. Only I don;t have the fortitude to go through with not eating. I was never very good at it. I coudn't last more than two days.  Patricia |
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#5
Apr 18, 2009, 05:54 AM
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thanks for the hugs - but I don't deserve them! what you said here is so true - it is a way to AVOID feelings. That's what makes it such an effective coping skills, even though it is maladaptive. My T said it is one of the things that is keeping me from attempting suicide again....she knows I can't give it up right away or the feelings will be too much for me. So in that regard the ED is actually a good thing. My T is pretty insightful about all of this and it is really nice to have someone undersand so well. You seem to understand really well, too, Patricia......  Also, I wouldn't say you don't have the 'fortitude' to keep from eating. I think you have a lot of fortitude, which is evident in how long you've been recovered from ED behaviors.
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#6
Apr 18, 2009, 07:12 AM
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Wha???????? Are we gonna tussle over this?  Boy does that ring familar...  Its so important to have a T thats pointng you in the right focused direction . So glad you have confidence in her. The fortutude to not eat. I meant I didn't have the strength to fast or restrict for more than a couple of days. I do have the strength to not over eat and purge , Its always there on my shouder when ever I don't feel safe . or have a fear , or have been hurt. or worry. Cause I want to sooth myself . But then comes the worry of eating too much . Once one sees the pattern you can step in and adress whats running in the back ground. Sometimes its just a way to get all the thoughts out of the head. But they come back. Hope you have a safe and worry free weekend. Lets take a break from not bieng good enough  Patricia |
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#7
Apr 19, 2009, 06:16 PM
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no no no - I don't wanna tussle with you!  What I said about fortitude.....I know what you meant, but is the ability to starve oneself for days on end the result of a positive attribute such as 'fortitude'? I think you showed real fortitude in not b/p'ing. To not eat for days is more like....stubborness, idiocy, insanity?? IDK, take your pick........  And Marie - just sending some hugs! You started this thread so just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
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 Marie Antoinette
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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