I don't know what to do anymore

I feel hopeless about myself and my situation. It's not like it's a bad situation. Well at least to those on the outside. 21, stuck in my parent's house with no friends, an over 3 year gap of nothing since I graduated highschool, can't get a girlfriend because of my toxicity. Also because I never leave the house. Depression which makes me near bed-bound and it's like I try to get outside help but I can't seem to make the appointments ever because of the fact that the anxiety+depression feed off of one another.

Also I feel pretty hideous about myself. It makes me self-conscious when in public. People aka my parents tell me I have lost a lot of weight yet I still think I look hideous.

People would probably consider me very over-sensitive. I don't really see it as a bad thing. It probably is a bad thing and is the reason I am in such a position as I am now. Afraid to leave the house and unable to live a normal life.

I have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes homicidal fantasies. On a near daily basis. What helps bring them about I realize is just trying to talk to other people. My social inadequacy and jealous tendencies, ruin my ability to be around other people. My lacking social ability ruins my-

...

I try to talk about my problems on the chat thing here but that never seems to work out well. Mainly because I am not that good at romanticizing my problems like some users on there. Such romanticizing that I realize trying to discuss my problems on there won't do me any good at this point. Mainly because it further pushes the idea in my head that I am not worthy of being helped because all of these other people are *so much worse than me* when that is probably not the case.

I've become rather anti-social as of late at the realization that talking to other people hurts me over and over again. I have begun to prefer to kill conversations swiftly. I've found people to be rather boring. "oh maybe that is because you're boring!" You could say that I have become boring because I am tired of putting in the effort to sustain a conversation because most of the time it leads nowhere anyway. I am tired of trying to be friendly.

It wouldn't matter anyway because I discuss them and I get the usual responses that don't know what they are talking about or seek to make themselves feel better because they can just put me down aka arrogance.

...

I've become rather bitter about trying to be friends with anyone or be nice to anyone because it just ends up feeling like too much effort. Everything feels like too much effort.

Yet this world seems to revolve around how many people you can get together to circlejerk one another. People will tell me that it doesn't matter how well you can socialize when oh ho how wrong is that!?

No social = No life. You can't get anywhere unless you can socialize. Which I can't seem to do.

So sorry, SteinerofThule. Have you talked to a doc about maybe taking some anti-anxiety med?

Hello, SteinerofThule. I did not see a question. You know you need help. We cannot make you do what you know you need to do.

So, what is the plan?

I wish you well.

Nothing seemed to work.

I don't have any plans.

What medications has your doctor tried?

I don't really have anyone I am going to right now.

Klonopin
Lexapro
Risperidone
Sertraline
Neurontin
Paxil

Is what I have tried so far. Pretty much with no effect. I recently retried the neurontin and found it helped a small bit but only when taken in high doses. Such as the bottle would say take 3 pills over the course of a day. Each one consisting of 300mg. 1500mg taken right when I woke up seemed to work but it also made it hard to walk aka wobbly legs but my anxiety didn't have such a presence and that also made me feel happy for the moment. It wore off a few hours afterwards.

To make clear in my previous post. The neurontin was an old med. It had just passed the expiration date. I wasn't recently prescribed it.

SteinerofThule, It took my doctor a long time to find the right anti-depressant med for me. A lot of them didn't work at all. Some worked somewhat, but then stopped working all together. My doctor was a loss as to how to help me, then Cymbalta became available. It has been the only med to successfully treat my depression.

Please see a doctor or go to the hospital. There is hope and you can be helped.

I would get more practice leaving the house, being around other people. You cannot learn to be social without being around people and observing what they say and do and giving it a try yourself. Ask your mother for some chores to help around the house. Go to the grocery store, maybe take a continuing education class at the local community college or community center. Join a group at the library or your local hospital (depression, anxiety, etc., check what support groups they have that you think might be useful to you). Your local library probably has a lot of information on what is locally available to you.

Have you considered therapy? It could only help. If you want to change your life, you will need to reach out to others, or begin with a therapist, etc.

Little steps...a little at a time.

Meds without therapy is useless. Please schedule an appointment or have family help, if you can't. I remember years like you describe. I felt...paralyzed. But I wasn't. It took therapy to move on.
May I ask what your official diagnosis is??? Since you've been given meds?? How long did you use them before giving up??

If I could do that I wouldn't be like I am now. I can't even go to the mailbox outside unless it's like 4 am and no one is around.

I tried CBT about a year ago. Less than a year ago.

Of course Therapy would be helpful if you actually did the work .. maybe the Therapist you had before wasnt a good fit for you? Maybe you need to find a new one. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right meds to help you. Again things take time.

Right now tho the problem is you leaving your home to actually get help... Only you can force yourself to be outside more often ..If you can only go to the mailbox at 4 am then do it .. Then walk outside at 5am and 6am .. and keep going .. You want to change your life you need to reach out..

You deserve a wonderful life.. Its time to reach out and grab it.

Take care

SteinerofThule, Did you try meds along with the CBT?

It wasn't very clear. The main gist was Schizoid PD, depression, SA, and psychotic disorder NOS

The medication was weird. I was switching around for awhile it felt like. A few months and then with no difference except for the fact of a broken penis being the usual side effect; they would have me try a different one. I was going to a free place but then they said they couldn't help me so I went to a different place where they did actual diagnoses. Was where I was given a few different things but again the usual no change. I think by the time I had done CBT the person I was going to basically said they couldn't work with me.

I don't blame them I guess.

To answer the question- I don't think I was on any meds but again the person I was going to didn't want me to take any meds while the therapist was asking for me to take meds. There was a reason they didn't want me to take meds. So I just tried to do cbt therapy alone without meds which just helped in escalating me some more I found. Tried group therapy and that just made me feel worse. Tried to walk around the block, more like a panicked runwalk, again making me feel worse because I felt like everyone was plotting against me. Every car that passed making me sweat and panic. I made it 30 seconds I think before I retreated back inside. Was one of the few times I actually went out alone in pretty much my entire life.

SteinerofThule, I think meds + therapy = wellness! Maybe next Tuesday or Thursday, you can try the hospital again?

Maybe I can give it another shot. I can see how meds + a good therapist would help. Trying to live life is hard.

It's just every time it's almost time to go ,aka the night before, I can't sleep. I get incredibly anxious so that when it's actually **go time**, I've already burned myself out. I got a backpack I can start filling with possible stuff but I am having doubts about if this place would be helpful. I mean the idea of an inpatient place is confusing to me. All the recent, within the last week told me I should be inpatient but they only do that for the suicidal ideation I tend to have. They don't really give me a chance to explain my full situation so they just think I am going for suicidal thoughts rather than the actual problem causing the suicidal thoughts. I had to write out what I wanted to say but found it hard to think at all when someone is right there in front of me waiting for my response. The reason I had to write was because I couldn't open my mouth. I knew that would happen so I managed to ask if I could write. It's not the same as online where I am alone and able to think more clearly but I was somehow able to let them know I was suicidal. There was a lot more I wanted to write but I didn't want to leave them waiting so I just wrote the suicidal thoughts I tend to have.

Sorry for the length and perhaps something that has no point to it. At all. I just felt like writing because I happen to be in a writing mood. I wrote some stuff to myself earlier as a means to calm down. I've always been one to write as a way to calm down because than I get caught up in trying to make sure it looks correct and that the grammar is okay along with making the story interesting. At least it's interesting to me. I've always wanted to write something but I never have the patience to write anything large enough to be considered a worthy product.

SteinerofThule, How about writing out your concerns at home then bringing it to the hospital? You can just hand them the paper and the doctor will read it.

You are an intelligent person and your writing is very articulate.

Yeah that is an idea that I have been meaning to do but I never get around to doing it. I should get to that.