[tabenda]

I've only recently begun reading on attachment styles as I've been trying to figure out why I'm acting the way I am. When I read about attachment, it strikes a chord in me.... makes sense. But I am confused because I can't identify with one attachment style (as I understand them as an amateur just learning about them). I think that I typically push away closeness. If someone comes on too strong or pushy, I tend to withdraw quickly and push them away hard. During my marriage, I could feel myself pushing away intimacy and holding myself at a distance. I know I came across as unfeeling. However, I can see in situations where I am the one being rejected, that I display anxious attachment, or preoccupied, tendencies. Is it possible to switch styles, depending on the personality of who you meet? I am also hoping to get control of my attachment style, rather than let it dictate how my friendships or relationships work out. I've only begun this search and welcome any clues or guidance on ways to work to a happier me.

[pegasus]

Hello tabenda, welcome to Psych Central.

Pushing people away when they come on too strong or pushy sounds like a safety mechanism that you have learnt. It's possible that some sort of fear brings up this protection mode in you. Ultimately you would need to look into why you have this reaction each time, have you been hurt badly in the past? If you have been hurt badly in the past, it is a natural reaction. You can work on it if you are aware of it and have partners/friends you truly trust.

[unaluna]

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

here is a quiz you can take, and it will "diagnose" you as "anxious avoidant" or whatever. So i dont think you are changing you style, you are just expressing the various aspects of it.

[cool09]

I think it's all a part of the maturation process (at least for males I think). As you mature you understand how you really should act in a close relationship (not that I'm any expert on it). Making mistakes is a great motivator and teacher for changing behavior. People are like dogs in this way, imo (some more so than others). By the time you're 50 you really understand what is acceptable and not acceptable.

[tabenda]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello tabenda, welcome to Psych Central.

Pushing people away when they come on too strong or pushy sounds like a safety mechanism that you have learnt. It's possible that some sort of fear brings up this protection mode in you. Ultimately you would need to look into why you have this reaction each time, have you been hurt badly in the past? If you have been hurt badly in the past, it is a natural reaction. You can work on it if you are aware of it and have partners/friends you truly trust.

It's not something I've looked at too closely in the past. I just figured that I liked my space. I'm going to start seeing a therapist this week, and this is definitely one of the things I want to explore.

[nicoleflynn]

We all need boundaries...emotional and physical.

[vonmoxie]

It could evolve over time. I say that from my own experience; not sure proponents of aspects of attachment theory would agree. I am consistently evaluated to have a fully secure attachment style currently, but was most definitely not born into it. I was probably at one time somewhere more in the area of fearful-avoidant, but I was personally determined to be healthy in relationships so that I could both share and derive all the love and satisfaction deserved by myself and by my partner, and just kept re-examining my own behavior and making adjustments. While not every relationship that I was in bore improvement (I'm as apt to run in place as the next guy, at times), I did eventually learn through some trial and error what I wanted to avoid, what didn't work and what did.. so that some of the long-term relationships I was in did represent new stages in my own evolution, from fearful-avoidant to secure.

All things is possible.

[tabenda]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

It could evolve over time. I say that from my own experience; not sure proponents of aspects of attachment theory would agree. I am consistently evaluated to have a fully secure attachment style currently, but was most definitely not born into it. I was probably at one time somewhere more in the area of fearful-avoidant, but I was personally determined to be healthy in relationships so that I could both share and derive all the love and satisfaction deserved by myself and by my partner, and just kept re-examining my own behavior and making adjustments. While not every relationship that I was in bore improvement (I'm as apt to run in place as the next guy, at times), I did eventually learn through some trial and error what I wanted to avoid, what didn't work and what did.. so that some of the long-term relationships I was in did represent new stages in my own evolution, from fearful-avoidant to secure.

All things is possible.

Thank you for this..... when reading about theories such as attachment styles, I keep getting left with the impression that "this is how you are, learn to deal with it." I need to know that I can improve, or change my behaviors.

[JamesO2]

Yes, I believe it is possible to change your attachment style. I used to be in the very high spectrum of "fearful-avoidant." I would sometimes literally push people away if they got close to me. In terms of affection, I was able to be close... but in terms of opening up my mind and soul... sharing my past... Not so much.

But six months ago, I met a wonderful girl who started to change all of that for me. She's patient, and kind, and understanding, and open. And for the first time I don't feel afraid opening up to a person. She's taught me to trust people, and with the help of my therapist, I've learned to trust myself.

I just took the attachment quiz about a minute ago, and now I rank pretty high on the "secure" spectrum. I didn't think it was possible, but when I look back, so much has changed.

The best way I can describe my relationship with my girlfriend is "I feel like we grow together, not grow apart." Where as past relationships definitely "grow apart" I feel like we are both maturing together, and we have an atmosphere in our relationship that allows each other to make mistakes and grow too.

I think this is the ideal kind of relationship that anyone with mental illness needs. Or any person, really. A relationship without judgement and fear. And I never thought it was possible before we met. I've never known or seen another relationship like ours.

So yes, I believe it's possible to change. But it takes a lot of work from yourself, and also a lot of the right conditions. Because you can't just learn to open up and trust people by yourself. Especially if there is no one worth trusting in your life. You actually have to surround yourself with good people too, which isn't always easy to find. Shoot, it took me 24 years.

[ifst5]

I think we all adjust to the different people we're with whilst retaining some fundamental attitudes. Personally i'm not the overly affectionate sort. Soppiness makes me gag as does PDA. I feel love doesn't need to be on show - it doesn't prove or reinforce anything. I doubt i would seek out someone like this in the first place but i'm sure that we'd both change somewhat during the actual relationship. Essentially if a balance can't be reached a relationship ceases to exist...there are specific needs which initiate a relationship and specific needs which end one.

[JamesO2]

I wouldn't consider PDA as "showing off" or "proving" something. That tends to be the attitude of on-lookers, but (at least for me) not the opinion of the lovers.

For me, I don't "get off" on PDA or specifically make a point to be affectionate in public. My mentality is more along the lines of "I love you and I want to kiss you, I don't care whether there are people around or not."

I just act the same around my lover regardless of what others think. There's no shame in having feelings. I don't believe kissing, cuddling, and hand holding is disgusting and should be hidden from the world.

I had an ex who was really uptight about anti-PDA. I basically wasn't allowed to touch her outside of the house at all. Even if no one was around.

Try doing that for five years. Five years of basically being denied to express your feelings. The relationship basically fizzled, though there wasn't any huge issues.

I dunno. I feel like you can't put "terms and conditions" on love. If you stifle your expression because you don't want others to see you, it's gonna cause strain in the relationship.

[ifst5]

Originally Posted by JamesO2

I wouldn't consider PDA as "showing off" or "proving" something. That tends to be the attitude of on-lookers, but (at least for me) not the opinion of the lovers.

For me, I don't "get off" on PDA or specifically make a point to be affectionate in public. My mentality is more along the lines of "I love you and I want to kiss you, I don't care whether there are people around or not."

I just act the same around my lover regardless of what others think. There's no shame in having feelings. I don't believe kissing, cuddling, and hand holding is disgusting and should be hidden from the world.

I had an ex who was really uptight about anti-PDA. I basically wasn't allowed to touch her outside of the house at all. Even if no one was around.

Try doing that for five years. Five years of basically being denied to express your feelings. The relationship basically fizzled, though there wasn't any huge issues.

I dunno. I feel like you can't put "terms and conditions" on love. If you stifle your expression because you don't want others to see you, it's gonna cause strain in the relationship.

You need to respect that not everyone is the same as you. And expressing different opinions doesn't invite the justification of your own. I don't care what you feel about my love life. As said before i explained my position, i'm not an overly affectionate person - it's not about caring what others think it's about not liking PDA. You need to be careful here - some people have been abused and have issues with personal touch, others like myself are autistic and don't connect to emotions as easily as other people. I'm just as entitled to my feelings as you are to yours.

[JamesO2]

I was just expressing my point of view. You stated your view on a subject, I stated mine. That's it.

It wasn't a personal attack. Just another point of view. No need to be defensive.

[ifst5]

No, i'm afraid you were suggestive and highly questioning. Telling me that there's no shame in feelings, to try being deprived of affection for five years and that by stifling expression i'm putting a relationship in jeopardy. That isn't putting across a valid argument that's telling someone how to live their life. That invites defensiveness. I'm sorry this thread has gotten off track, i don't intend any further response as that would detract from OP's needs.

[Skywoulf]

I didn't even know there were different attachment styles, so thank you OP for posting.

I took the test, and fell right smack dab in the center of the "fearful - avoidant" quadrant. something to work on for sure.....