[lost!]

My 18 year old daughter ran away from home to begin a new life (which mirrors her old life) how do I know if she is mentally stable? How do I keep her connected to family. She is very secretive, insecure and angry that she is misunderstood.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hi Lost and Welcome to the Community.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do because she is legally an adult. Sometimes, as a parent, the hardest thing to do is to let them go. I know these words are not very comforting. As you feel more comfortable here, maybe you could elaborate on what led up to her leaving home and why it is causing you so much distress.

Hang in there - this site has quite a few parents who can relate/understand.

[lost!]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Hi Lost and Welcome to the Community.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do because she is legally an adult. Sometimes, as a parent, the hardest thing to do is to let them go. I know these words are not very comforting. As you feel more comfortable here, maybe you could elaborate on what led up to her leaving home and why it is causing you so much distress.

Hang in there - this site has quite a few parents who can relate/understand.

She never said she was unhappy. She was all smiles all summer and very social. She was very nervous about her senior year and her life path. There was no fight, no discord, no colecting of possessions,
If she would share her life and stay connected I could handle her not being home. We talked daily.

[somebody2525]

Did you do something? Lord knows how i've hidden my true feelings. Best of luck.

[lost!]

Originally Posted by somebody2525

Did you do something? Lord knows how i've hidden my true feelings. Best of luck.

of couse I did everything (wrong) - told her to retake the ACT, chores, etc... normal home rules

[lost!]

Originally Posted by lost!

of couse I did everything (wrong) - told her to retake the ACT, chores, etc... normal home rules

Well she is on her own now and so far making ok decisions. She is lonely and has a hard time keeping friends. It is unexplained what triggered her to run; could be the death of her grandfather as well as her feeling of neglect by her older siblings who are very successful overachievers and her senior year stresses.

As far as mental health goes I believe she has some anger, anxiety and stress related feelings although they didn't seem very prominent. She never did like to share her feelings often times just dismissing people with different likes. But she has stated I should understand her.

[lost!]

Originally Posted by lost!

Well she is on her own now and so far making ok decisions. She is lonely and has a hard time keeping friends. It is unexplained what triggered her to run; could be the death of her grandfather as well as her feeling of neglect by her older siblings who are very successful overachievers and her senior year stresses.

As far as mental health goes I believe she has some anger, anxiety and stress related feelings although they didn't seem very prominent. She never did like to share her feelings often times just dismissing people with different likes. But she has stated I should understand her.

Is it always the mothers fault?

[lost!]

Originally Posted by lost!

Is it always the mothers fault?

I can't breathe, get out of bed for a few minutes a day or eat. I've lost a 15 pds, can't stop crying. In the past few weeks I can almost function properly and have to try to act normal at work. It starts in a few days.

I don't think I can make it. I need her and she says it's all my fault she hurt so many people. She says I do not understand her.

Is this a mental issue of depression? How do I get her to talk because this silent treatment is beyond mean.

[SnakeCharmer]

Dearest Lost, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. I can absolutely guarantee and promise you that it's not always the mother's fault even if the almost grown child feels angry and misunderstood. Life is far more complicated than that!

I am speaking from personal experience as a mother and a daughter, an aunt and godmother. Life gets complicated when our kids reach legal adulthood, even if they still have school to finish and no job and no experience.

But right now I'm not worried about whose fault it is (it may actually not be anyone's "fault." It can just be a combination of circumstances and personality.) Right now, I'm worried about YOU.

Please make an appointment to see your primary care provider ASAP. Right now, you're the person who needs care and understanding and some help. You're suffering a severe reaction to her daughter's leaving and unless you get help, your health could be very badly impacted.

If you fall apart at the seams over feelings of loss and worry about your daughter, then you cannot be there for her if she needs you. If you keep deteriorating, you are likely to scare her and she may pull further away. You'll sound desperate and needy and your emotions will get in the way.

Even if it goes against all your mother's instincts, right now the person you have to help is yourself.

Tell the doctor what you've shared with us here --

"I can't breathe, get out of bed for a few minutes a day or eat. I've lost a 15 pds, can't stop crying. In the past few weeks I can almost function properly and have to try to act normal at work. It starts in a few days. I don't think I can make it."

This may be a grief reaction or anxiety or depression or a combination. You would benefit greatly from a referral to a therapist who can help you deal with your own loss and fears. You can also talk about ways to understand your daughter better and maybe the therapist can help you identify any obstacles that may prevent you from communicating well with your daughter.

I know from personal experience that a therapist can help greatly when the problem you're dealing with is an almost grown child who's making distressing decisions. We get in that situation and sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees! A therapist can help us regain our courage, strength and sense of self.

Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you have a mental illness. It means you have a life problem and it's impacting your life badly. Your doctor can make a referral.

With that said, I have to ask: Is your daughter safe? Do you know where she is? Is she calling you? If she's physically safe, please give yourself permission to breathe.

My rambunctious family has had it's share of runaways. As long as they were physically safe it really was okay in the long-run. They all turned out okay and the strained relations are all patched up and healed. We can laugh about it now. Even though at the time it was ... well, you know, it hurts. The grown ups had to get their acts together for the kids to feel like coming home would be a good decision. So, right now, my dearest Lost, please take care of yourself.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

[Can't Stop Crying]

It is not always the mother's fault! She is making these choices and looking for someone to blame. It's easy to blame the "safest" person. I don't think there is anyway you can get her to talk....she has to decide that it's what she wants. Some of this might be her finding her place in the world, finding her own identity...The only thing I can thing of is giving her some time and when she is ready she will come back to you.
It is so hard to see our kids in pain and confused, sometimes you have to let them go and be ready to accept them when they decide to come back.
I wish I had words that were more comforting. She will find her way back to you.

[lost!]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Dearest Lost, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. I can absolutely guarantee and promise you that it's not always the mother's fault even if the almost grown child feels angry and misunderstood. Life is far more complicated than that!

I am speaking from personal experience as a mother and a daughter, an aunt and godmother. Life gets complicated when our kids reach legal adulthood, even if they still have school to finish and no job and no experience.

But right now I'm not worried about whose fault it is (it may actually not be anyone's "fault." It can just be a combination of circumstances and personality.) Right now, I'm worried about YOU.

Please make an appointment to see your primary care provider ASAP. Right now, you're the person who needs care and understanding and some help. You're suffering a severe reaction to her daughter's leaving and unless you get help, your health could be very badly impacted.

If you fall apart at the seams over feelings of loss and worry about your daughter, then you cannot be there for her if she needs you. If you keep deteriorating, you are likely to scare her and she may pull further away. You'll sound desperate and needy and your emotions will get in the way.

Even if it goes against all your mother's instincts, right now the person you have to help is yourself.

Tell the doctor what you've shared with us here --

This may be a grief reaction or anxiety or depression or a combination. You would benefit greatly from a referral to a therapist who can help you deal with your own loss and fears. You can also talk about ways to understand your daughter better and maybe the therapist can help you identify any obstacles that may prevent you from communicating well with your daughter.

I know from personal experience that a therapist can help greatly when the problem you're dealing with is an almost grown child who's making distressing decisions. We get in that situation and sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees! A therapist can help us regain our courage, strength and sense of self.

Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you have a mental illness. It means you have a life problem and it's impacting your life badly. Your doctor can make a referral.

With that said, I have to ask: Is your daughter safe? Do you know where she is? Is she calling you? If she's physically safe, please give yourself permission to breathe.

My rambunctious family has had it's share of runaways. As long as they were physically safe it really was okay in the long-run. They all turned out okay and the strained relations are all patched up and healed. We can laugh about it now. Even though at the time it was ... well, you know, it hurts. The grown ups had to get their acts together for the kids to feel like coming home would be a good decision. So, right now, my dearest Lost, please take care of yourself.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

I have seen a therapist and put on several medications. But medications and I don't do well the side effects are too much. You know, I get all side effects and more. I can't even drink alcohol because it's too much. I am trying, I am so sad. My daughter refuses to communicate with me but will with her Dad. Is she safe? She says yes. Is she in school? She says yes. Did she get a job? She says yes. Is she sad and lonely and has a lot of anger? She says yes. I know I have to wait this out but our family that was so tight is now hurting.

Thanks for your words. I will read them often

[lost!]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

It is not always the mother's fault! She is making these choices and looking for someone to blame. It's easy to blame the "safest" person. I don't think there is anyway you can get her to talk....she has to decide that it's what she wants. Some of this might be her finding her place in the world, finding her own identity...The only thing I can thing of is giving her some time and when she is ready she will come back to you.
It is so hard to see our kids in pain and confused, sometimes you have to let them go and be ready to accept them when they decide to come back.
I wish I had words that were more comforting. She will find her way back to you.

I hope she does because I just want to support her anyway I can. Right now she doesn't want any money, her clothes, or anthing from home. I am so confused. I would love to help her move into her new life.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Keep us posted and like SnakeCharmer said - make sure you are taking care of you!

[lost!]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Keep us posted and like SnakeCharmer said - make sure you are taking care of you!

Your kindness is overwhelming "Can't stop Crying, Snake Charmer" Thank you , I appreciate you

I am trying to survive this and feel very lost in who I am. Usually I am always strong, determined and in control and defined myself as a nurturer. Now I feel broken. I never knew loving could hurt so much. I have never felt so desperate to breathe. I am afraid to smile or heaven forbid laugh for it takes away the pain I feel. I am in pain and I want it. I truly feel for those who have lost someone. I really didn't know how horrible it is for some.

I will get stronger and accept I have to wait and take the negativity my daughter gives me. I wish I could understand her, know what she is thinking, support her in anyway, to be her biggest fan, and love her unconditionally. Right now I get the silent treatment and a few weeks ago I had her with me.

I worry she won't address her issues. She will never accept our love. She won't take her inheritance which she is entitled. I worry she will never have a relationship with us and she misses out on a strong support system.

[Can't Stop Crying]

So sorry....I know this is tough. 18 is a crazy age...wanting to "find yourself" and experience the world/independence. It's hard to know what is in her head, but trust that you have given her the skills & tools to handle what is out there.

You don't deserve to be in pain - she made this choice - not you. It is not your fault!

Patience is so hard to endure, but believe that in time she will come back to the nurturing and support that she knows is waiting for her.

[sugibabie]

Give it time she will appreciate you soon !

[lost!]

Originally Posted by sugibabie

Give it time she will appreciate you soon !

Hello everyone thanks for helping me . This story keeps changing. Through lots of review of my daughter’s computer and friends she left behind, we found that she has a friendship with an adult that is 29. This adult is eleven years older than my daughter. We found that they live close to each other( maybe together—we are checking on it)

This woman placed herself in a community in which she will be able to help my daughter with her athletic talents within a years time. Needless to say this predator has mind control of my daughter and I will fight to get her back. We are in the process of seeing if there is anything we can do legally.

I am more angry and betrayed by those that could have helped my daughter. My confusion for this situation has changed and I am willing to help her recover in anyway. I still am a mess! But now I have anger!!! So I cry then scream, and cry, and sleep, and rant ,and pray.

[lost!]

Originally Posted by lost!

Hello everyone thanks for helping me . This story keeps changing. Through lots of review of my daughter’s computer and friends she left behind, we found that she has a friendship with an adult that is 29. This adult is eleven years older than my daughter. We found that they live close to each other( maybe together—we are checking on it)

This woman placed herself in a community in which she will be able to help my daughter with her athletic talents within a years time. Needless to say this predator has mind control of my daughter and I will fight to get her back. We are in the process of seeing if there is anything we can do legally.

I am more angry and betrayed by those that could have helped my daughter. My confusion for this situation has changed and I am willing to help her recover in anyway. I still am a mess! But now I have anger!!! So I cry then scream, and cry, and sleep, and rant ,and pray.

Forgot to tell you-- This relationship has been a coach /player relationship for over a year , placing my daughter at 16 years of age

[Can't Stop Crying]

I am so sorry....stay strong...lean on your family for support...take care of YOU!

[SnakeCharmer]

What Can't Stop Crying said. Take care. You can best help your daughter if you take steps to care for yourself, too.

[lost!]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

What Can't Stop Crying said. Take care. You can best help your daughter if you take steps to care for yourself, too.

That is the hardest thing to do. I will try. I need a lot of time to process this.

Rage is sometimes good but the lows of rage are really really low. I am surprised how I physically shake uncontrollably. Trying-- it is hard

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sending you some strength to help you with this. Trying IS hard, sometimes I just want to disappear and make all the thoughts & worries disappear too. It is when I think I have nothing left that I find the most strength. I believe in you!

[lost!]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Sending you some strength to help you with this. Trying IS hard, sometimes I just want to disappear and make all the thoughts & worries disappear too. It is when I think I have nothing left that I find the most strength. I believe in you!

I feel like a child. If I have a temper tampterum would anyone care? no of couse not/ why is it so hard to be nice back when you know people are trying to be nice to me? I don't want to let go of the pain because it is like giving up on my duaghter. I know she left and I know she is influenced but she did go, she is really mad and doesn't say why she is angry.

It has been four days and no communication. I am so scared Everyone says she's 18 oh well I say she is with a predator

[lost!]

Originally Posted by lost!

I feel like a child. If I have a temper tampterum would anyone care? no of couse not/ why is it so hard to be nice back when you know people are trying to be nice to me? I don't want to let go of the pain because it is like giving up on my duaghter. I know she left and I know she is influenced but she did go, she is really mad and doesn't say why she is angry.

It has been four days and no communication. I am so scared Everyone says she's 18 oh well I say she is with a predator

today is just a bad day!

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm sorry you're having a particularly bad day today. Hang in there and, please, take care of yourself. You're important, all by yourself, as a person, not just as a mom to your daughter.

I just can't help but worry about your well-being in this dreadful situation. You. Worried about you, not just your daughter. Naturally, my thoughts are with your girl and I'm hoping she will stay safe and make good decisions. And my thoughts are with you as you wrestle with not knowing why she left, why she's angry and why she's not talking to you. And what her relationship is with this adult coach woman.

I left home at 18, my mother reacted badly and the worse she reacted the more I clammed up, except to argue when she verbally chastised me. I was not mature enough to talk about my feelings to her or to anyone at that age. I didn't get into trouble or have sex or do drugs or anything scandalous or illegal. I just went to school, worked and lived on my own. It drove my poor mother around the bend. I didn't understand then why she was making such a big deal out of it. I'm sorry now that I hurt her. At the time, I just wanted my own life. It wasn't to hurt anyone. I just wanted freedom and at 18, actually 18.5, I grabbed it.

Take care, Lost. Your health and well-being are important.