Sex, but Not Really

Today I was speaking with a long-time friend who said he doesn't think about things like his sister having sex, certainly doesn't think about how his children's (now grown) bodies turned out, had never thought about his parents having sex until the other day when it occurred to him that his older brother was 7 when he (the person with whom I was conversing) was conceived & he wondered if his brother was aware of the parents having sex. My friend said it just doesn't feel good to him, or "right", to think about such things, so he doesn't.

I said...Huh?...I've sometimes wondered about my sisters' sex lives, have openly (and I think it quite healthy) talked with my brother-in-law of 40-plus years about his sexuality, have no problem at this time in my life imagining my parents having had sex or conceiving me, and I DO wonder how my son's "man parts" turned out - after all, I took good care of his body for many years and I'm naturally curious if everything turned out well!

None of the above is a sexual turn-on for me. Not a bit. It's just stuff I consider part of life...people are sexual beings, after all, and we have bodies and emotions. I wonder about human behavior...is my oldest sister a passionate sexual partner, or is she quiet? How interesting it is that we have this thing called "sex", but we don't know much about how others perceive that part of themselves. And so on. No big deal, just thoughts that occasionally cross my mind.

Am I weird?
After I had the conversation with my friend (btw, he's a somewhat old-fashioned 68, I'm a pretty youthful 52) I felt REALLY embarrassed, like I'm a deviant and don't know it. I actually spoke with my (adult) daughter about the whole thing and she laughed, said my friend is just an old guy and not to worry.
Thoughts?

I don't wonder about the sexual lives or personalities of family members. I couldn't tell you what others do. My understanding/experience is that it's not considered common or normative to think of things in the terms you mentioned, but that doesn't mean other people might not. Personally, I am not curious about that. Having these private thoughts, though, you're not hurting anyone, which I always consider the deciding factor as to whether something's alright or not.

(And I'm a mid-30s female who considers myself very sexually liberal, for context. I've had experience in peer-counseling around queer and alternative sexuality and sexual practices and worked through sexuality-related issues in therapy.)

Thanks for your reply, Leah.

I've thought this over and I've decided I have a healthy attitude toward sex, including a caring mom's natural feeling of a small bit of curiosity about my little boy turning into a man. My son is open about talking appropriately about sexuality, which has been a little shocking to me sometimes (though I just listen to him and certainly don't show my surprise...done a lot as a parent, lol). He's a successful young man with a wonderful respect for the women in his life and I'm sooo glad of that.

Frankly, I find it very hard to believe that everyone, or most everyone, doesn't have a fleeting thought now and then about the sexual behavior of friends, family, whomever. If the thoughts aren't conscious, I'm guessing they remain repressed within the unconscious and might show up in dreams, for example.

I don't think you're weird by any means PoppyRoad.

The only thing I can think to say is I guess we all think about these types of things differently because we're all unique and the way your friend would think of this will be different.

You shouldn't be embarrassed for what you think.

I don't think there's anything strange about what you have said at all.

Well, just because you find something hard to believe doesn't give it validity, haha. I really find the only way to know others' experiences is for them to tell me. Suggesting that those who differ from you are just repressing seems pretty dismissive. Please don't feel insecure about your perspective. You aren't hurting anyone, and whether 99% of people think as you do, or 1%, or more likely somewhere in between, it's not really a problem.

original poster...Im sorry but we can not tell you whether you are weird or not, only you and your treatment providers can say whether how you think and talk about sexual issues of others is weird or a mental disorder....

what I can tell you is that there are many mental disorders where focusing on sexual issues of others is part of that mental disorder...for example those with PTSD can have thoughts that focus on others sexuality especially if the person doing the thinking and talking about others sexuality has been sexually abused in some way... this symptom is called by many things ....hypersexuality, hyperaroused, hyper vigilent, sexual addiction, and in some locations it can also fall under crimes if the discussions are taking place with people who feel they are in a situation where they can not say no lets not talk about this, or with children or other special needs persons.

it can also fall under borderline personality disorder that includes the person having rocky relationships therefore they are interested/focused on the sexual needs of others....

it can also fall under OCD depending upon how often a person thinks /wonders\ and discusses other peoples sex lives.....

my point is it can be a problem for many people and be a part of many different mental disorders. To find out your answer of whether you are weird or whether this is a mental problem in you, you will need to contact your (or a)treatment provider in your location.

It is normal to be curious about LIFE! I am 68, feel 18 and a Sopohomoe in college; I will never be old!

Wonderful feedback...thank you Leah123, Hooligan, and nicoleflynn.

If anyone else has thoughts to contribute, I'd be happy to read them.

I think we all wonder about different things; there are accountants and there are sex therapists neither is better or deviant? I don't personally wonder much about other's sexual habits (except in relation to mine :-) or care. But my 3rd great grand aunt had a woman business partner back in the 1780's-1815 and they owned/ran a girls school together so you know I wonder about theirs! But I'm a genealogist/historian so. . . that's part of my thing?

Thank you for the positive affirmation (sometimes I respond to posts and because we're all so unique I think to myself I hope that I am meeting a member's particular needs, if this makes sense )

Interesting thread, folks - thanks! I spoke with my friend a bit more about the subject of this thread and I really think it's more about upbringing than anything else. He was raised by conservative Protestant Victorian-era parents who simply didn't talk about subjects they deemed uncomfortable. Sex was a taboo subject in the home, so my friend learned, I think, to direct his mind elsewhere.

My parents were Jews, New Yorkers, and few subjects were taboo in my home. Very verbal people, not many thoughts were kept to oneself, and just about everything was discussed - loudly!

I agree with Nicole! I'm curious about life in general and, sure, I've had fleeting thoughts about all kinds of things.

If you're weird, then think about how many writer's of novels are weird. I agree, we're human, we think about such things. It may not be a topic of polite conversation, but there are times when it is appropriate to consider such things.

The human body is very attractive, sex is enjoyable, thinking about sex is enjoyable. I've heard people I respect talk about bodies and sex parts and sex in ways I thought were amusing. No big deal.

I wonder if talking about sex with certain people could be seen as a titillating come-on, if so, that could be embarrassing for your partner in conversation.

I have never been one to wonder or ask about others sexual habits but I have listened when my adult step daughters brought up the topic and/or had questions. I see it as part of being a parent to be there if they come to me for whatever topic.

I thought, too, about novelists...they certainly get into other people's heads. I've always been a writer of sorts. When I think about other people (like my sisters) having sex, it's more like a story to me than a turn-on. In fact, it's not a turn-on at all...just a story.

As for wondering about my kids' bodies...totally a mom-thing. Imagining them as infants...and now they're grown! It's amazing to me, really.