[NothingHere]

I am currently in therapy due to workplace difficulties (my choice) and my initial diagnosis was Aspergers because I had what he called a very "flat affect" which means I don't show emotion.

In an odd way, I feel as if in my daily life I express emotion plenty and as often as anyone. I just don't with him because I don't see the point... but then again, if I think about it, I must not be as expressive as I think because the reason I am in therapy is my co-workers complaining I am cold and distant and "rarely smile" and "don't care about anything" and I guess I don't actually *feel* much. I just never thought about it and I can recognize and match other's emotions but I guess I don't do it consistently enough because honestly sometimes I just don't feel like it. Or it doesn't seem all that needed.

I think at first my therapist thought I wanted to develop social skills but I think I have them, at least in terms of reading other people, understanding their perspective, and knowing what to do. It is more an issue of persistent apathy and inability to keep up the persona. And I don't know whether I want to change but it seems to me I am incapable of these emotions and human connections. And really, in line with the "no emotions" thing I've realized I don't ever miss people though I might get bored from time to time so if it were an option I'd isolate myself completely. I almost have. I just still need a job which is where the problem lies. It is not that there is a socially confused person wanting to fit in, trapped behind some wall of icy non-emotion, but rather, someone who doesn't care but has to meet the expectation of being able to. Which puts me at constant conflict with other people.

Now he seems confused by me and a little hung up on the notion of whether I've always been like this (I have another (physical) issue that requires medication and he seems caught on the idea that is maybe causing this). But I really have always been this way. Like I said, I've always felt more or less normal so I always had reasoning as to why I was this way... I figured I was never sad because nothing really sad happened but I've had a friend die ("well I'm not that sad because we weren't that close"), my grandmother die ("she was old, it happens!"), and my uncle just died young of cancer a couple months ago, he was the only member of my family I was somewhat close to but I still felt nothing so the evidence is stacking against me. Or for more bizarre non-emotive situations

Possible trigger:

I once had someone point a gun at me (they mistook me for someone who tried to stab them a week back)

but all I remember registering is a mild surprise. All of this much before I needed any medication.

I started therapy just to see if there was a known reason why I can't seem to connect with others or emote/feel much about anything. As well as the fact I have annoying memory and motivation problems. I am pretty sure at this point that if automatic billpay wasn't an option I'd still be homeless. And considering my apathy and lack of motivation/willpower extends to eating I only maintain some semblance of health by dropping money on **** like Soylent also if a new health problem arises I can never seem bothered enough to actually go to a doctor. Though, my therapist doesn't seem as concerned about these things, his advice on food was to not think about it and focus on actually getting it done, which, I mean "just do it" is kind of the obvious advice there and I've tried it before. So, didn't quite work for me and I haven't really pressed the matter even if I'd think it is more concerning than my lack of interest in relationships.

All I really wanted was an answer to why things are like this but he doesn't know and since therapy is basically "getting to know someone" (or worse, really, it's "someone getting to know you") I find it challenging and a bit tiring and at this point I want an answer so I can get a clear idea of what needs to be done to resolve the things that need resolved or I want out... but he doesn't know the answer, he's never seen anyone like me, so, I figured this forum might seem a place to ask. Does any of this sound familiar? Obviously I don't expect a diagnosis but are there any known options to explore because I feel like we're about to run up against a dead end.

Sorry for the length I just wanted to be clear but I guess the tl;dr version is: I have no emotions or desire for human/emotional connections and my therapist is confused.

[Thunder Bow]

Do not base yourself on the opinions of others have about you. At least you are making your Therapist earn his money. Good Work.

[NothingHere]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Do not base yourself on the opinions of others have about you. At least you are making your Therapist earn his money. Good Work.

I am not sure what you mean about basing myself on the opinions of others.

But my motive here is largely that I was hoping for a simple, more clinical, process. Like instead of "talk about your feelings (that you don't have)" I could simply take some form of test or assessment, get a diagnosis, enter whatever the diagnosis' 12-step program is (or take meds or whatever), then ta da- you either have emotions/a memory/and basic motivation and are cured or you can pass as having these things so your manager doesn't tell your co-workers you are "probably a psychopath" so they tip-toe around you like today might be the day your cold, calm, demeanor snaps and you

Possible trigger:

fashion a sweater out of their skin.

It is tiresome.

And after nearly 30 years of similar reactions I've sort of come around on the notion of okay, maybe its me... but when I finally found a head shrink I wasn't really expecting the process to be as inter-personal as it is (which I already dislike) or that the answer would be, "no clue what you are, first case of 'severely emotionless pseudo-hermit' that we've seen... also, if you keep exclusively forming attachments with yourself/in your head you'll lose touch with reality and end up like the

Possible trigger:

UCC shooter."

I'm just kinda dissatisfied and hoping to streamline the process ("you have no clue? Well, I found some possible leads on the internet") though possibly my expectations are unrealistic.

[StarGazingFish]

if you feel you might be autistic you need to see a specialist in ASD in adults [if possible],otherwise you might get wrongly diagnosed either way by a general therapist.
if you were aspie,you woud have life long social issues [some people refer to aspergers as social dyslexia],you woud have sensory issues,you woud be very factual and have a thirst for knowledge. flat affect was once a symptom but it isnt anymore-thats schizophrenia;its recognised aspies dont have missing emotions,they just dont recognise them very easily.
you woud have trouble understanding sarcasm and jokes but as an adult you might have learnt to understand.
commonly,aspies have a monotone voice-think daria [the old cartoon daria] for example,they may have some echolalia [repeating phrases said by others,such as on tv].
aspies are routine led and may be very obsessive and anxious about it.
aspies may have challenging behavior and more commonly experience meltdowns when they cant cope,shutdowns when they cant cope and sensory overload when their environment is to much for their sensory system.
aspies have commonly been special school educated without having the asperger diagnosis,they tend to be the people who have challenging behavior, meltdowns, shutdowns etc and very acute 'high functioning' autism behaviors.

i am like you-i have very screwed up emotions, and no desire for human connection, but im diagnosed with severe classic autism and have a very different perception of humans,i appear more moderate than severe now though as i am more verbal.

[Thunder Bow]

Seems like you are looking for judgement from others here. Labels can be a judgement. No need to judge yourself. It wold be better to understand yourself. Work with your shrink to understand yourself, not to seek a label or a negative conclusion.

[sammo777]

maybe they're just boring, pointless types, in the office, and there's nothing wrong with you?

maybe you judged them at day one as unworthy, and you failed to make friends in the office as people usually try to do these days, where it's all about "the team" and people gave up trying to make a connection with you, and the boat sailed.

maybe you're in an environment full of extroverts and you're not one of those people.

some people emote too well. they gush, they cry, they agonise, they wring their hands. some people are stoics: they're the stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on types.

you might just be a stoical type. there's nothing wrong with that.

flat affect, though. Maybe the therapist expected you to come in blazing, angry, upset, confused and didn't.

sounds like maybe your workmates think you're depressed and wanted to try to help you.

if that's the case, then maybe your work mates are actually quite nice people. I'd bake some cookies and take them in for the team to share...

[NothingHere]

@StarGazingFish - I do not actually think I am autistic though that was my therapists initial diagnosis based on my "flat affect" and lack of interest in social relationships. But I lack a lot of those traits you mention- I have no sensory issues, and no issues understanding sarcasm (I utilize it frequently enough myself) or in understanding jokes but I don't have much of a sense of humor, I am outright incapable of developing a routine much less sticking to it and I am never anxious over anything, and never meltdown or shutdown... which is why I am doubting that diagnosis and would like to find something more accurate. I don't know if my therapist is a specialist though he claims to have treated people on the spectrum before (but he also claimed to have seen people with my same physical illness before which turned out to be a lie)... perhaps I'll cut and run and look for a new therapist. I was considering it anyway since the therapy has become just too personal. And I really dislike putting too much of myself out there, there are things in this thread I probably would not have said (too 'identifying' imo) if I hadn't thought I could delete it when I was done (but that doesn't seem to be the case). So, I might cut and run here too, for the same ol' reasons.

But thanks to everyone who replied.

[-jimi-]

Anhedonia can have many causes. Hate to say it but there is a spectrum of people who are less emotional to those who are extremely emotional. It is hard to say where either end turns pathological, sometimes it is just that person's normal.

Anhedonia can exist on its own or following things like dysthymia, schizoid or what was in the past called schizophrenia simplex. Or following antidepressant treatment.

It seems that the reward system in the brain is not as active. Of course that can happen for many reasons.

I knew a person like this, friend of a friend. He was nice and all, but I felt he lacked something I had. It felt like somewhat of a mystery to me, but then again people have claimed I'm a mystery to them so... yea, LOL.