Worried about a minor thing from my past

There's no easy way to talk about this, as its something that makes me cringe internally every time I think about it, and it randomly popped into my thoughts this evening.

I was a very gullible, non-analytical child. Almost no critical thinking and a powerful drive for fantasy. The notion of things being magical or otherwise unexplained never phased me, and even now I think I can be a little confused between literary maneuvers and reality, though exposure and practice have made me a little better at determining stuff that's obviously made up.

Basically I believed in Santa until I was around 12-13 years old. Lost the Easter Bunny and tooth fairy a few years prior for "normal" reasons, (mom caught in the act, familiar brands, etc), but somehow never extended the logic. Magic worked just fine, until inklings from TV and other media prompted me to ask, and even then I was skeptical of the "no" I got. For whatever reason it never bothered me much after that, except when I think of how old I was.

My mom and I have been getting along better lately and I called and asked her. Apparently, she went to great lengths to make sure I kept believing, though I never thought about it much. She insists that it was important to keep the fantasy alive because my father died right around the age most kids find out, and she didn't want me to lose too much too fast. She doesn't believe the accounts of children figuring it out by themselves either. Before you ask if no one else told me, I vaguely remember some kid in first grade telling me the truth, and I responded with something to the effect of "Yeah right". I had no siblings, no family members my own age, and few to no friends who could have told me either.

My mom believes my long-lasting fantasy was a good thing. Numerous articles say otherwise, implying that I either had ****** parents, or (the reason I'm confessing this here), that I have some sort of disability or mental defect. That killing the fantasy is a necessary part of maturing and leaving childhood and denying kids that is holding them back from the harsh realities of life. I even asked my mom why she trusted me to attend my father's funeral but wouldn't give me the truth about a popular myth. That there's something wrong - possibly deeply wrong - with a preteen who still believes a magical fantasy. I'm a little scared, and deeply ashamed that I couldn't even reason it out for myself when the illogic is supposed to be so obvious. I don't think it's affected me in any serious way, but I can't be sure...

God, this is stupid, but for some reason the shame of this little thing from my past and fear about what it implies for me bothers me every now and then. Also I write too much and I'm sorry.

Hey ScientiaOmnisEst

I feel like the whole problem lies within the last sentence that you wrote... namely, the problem Scientia is not about that you gave up your fantasy-thinking late in your age, as you say, but the problem is that you "see this as a problem", & that you have "fear & anxiety" towards this thing!

Reading your whole post, I didn't undertsnad what's the problem, what's wrong if you give up fantasies late in age! Actually, what's wrong at all if I keep believing in fantasies (e.g. Santa Claus) for my whole life?!

I mean fantasy-believing & wild imagination is a very beautiful thing, & actually it's a unique kind of intellect & genius, not just in children, but also in adults who have them. I mean where do you think that famous genius fantasy novel writers such as J. K. Rawling, J. R. R. Tolkien, or (my hero) Stephen King got their genius fantastical novel ideas from?! I remember reading SK saying that he still believes that there's a mysterious metaphysical existence that is there lurking in the shadows beyond our limited-perception of reality

And to tell you even more, if you read in science, especially the philosohpy of science, cosmology, & quantum physics, you'll find that even science admits that our minds have a limited ability of perception of our surroundings, & the universe, that science still lacks behind in finding out the mysteries of many yet unsolved questions, like human conscience, the existence of God, or how did the Bing Bang happen...

So, yeah, perhaps I agree with your mom believing in fantasies is a good imagination exercise of the mind, & its unique human characteristics that are not possessed by lower beings (e.g. animals)...

I don't undertsnad why you should have any fears about this beautiful thing

I don't believe that there's much wrong with believing in Santa up until you're on your teens. I remember a couple of cousins of mine who, by the age of 10, still believed Santa would bring them toys. Of course we all have to wake up for reality at some point, and so you did... might have happened a bit later than usual, so what?

And your mother, well, she did the best she could to try prevent you from the suffering of losing your father at such young age. Maybe keeping you in a bubble of fantasy and fairy tales wasn't the right thing, but that was the only plan she could come up with. And I also don't believe that it has hindered your progress in life.

Anyway, I think that you're judging yourself too harsh, for something so minor. You're over it now, and that's what counts.

Take care.

Your life is about you and what you think and feel only. If you have no problem with how you use your imagination, then there is no problem. What do the "numerous articles" authors know about you as a person? Their goal is to sell magazines or books or theories that prove how fascinating and smart they are to themselves. Your mother needs to believe she was helping you through the loss of your father. Other people all have their own agendas, even when they are helpful to us! It is not right or wrong, it is just the way it has to be since they are not us. We interpret what another person does, they do not necessarily see it the same way. They interpret what we do or say, it is not necessarily how we interpret what we do or say. Your life is yours to interpret; your interpretation is the only one that matters. . . to you.

My father died when I was 12, too. I think your feelings about this are strongly linked to your feelings about that loss.

I can understand how your mother felt she was being kind to you by 'babying' you to comfort you over his death. It's a little off, but I can see how she thought she was helping.

You made a comment about 'why she trusted you to attend your father's funeral'. You're saying like she thought you were mature enough to handle that, but not the truth about Santa Clause. No, I don't think she saw it that way at all, and can you imagine if she didn't allow you to attend his funeral?

My mother did me a huge disservice in how she dealt with my father's death. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a few weeks to live. She never told me he was dying! She never took me to see him in the hospital. And the thing that still stings me to this day is how she took me shopping and bought me a really cute, mature-looking black outfit. I loved it, it was a real treat because she never took me shopping and bought me anything like that before. Then my father dies. She tells me 'he's gone'. I asked 'where did he go?' Sure enough, I had that nice black outfit to wear to his funeral, where I sat in shock, never cried. I realized many years later that outfit was bought for me to wear to his funeral!

As for 'magical thinking', my family believes in all kinds of things like that, superstitions, curses, karma, etc... I didn't even know everybody didn't think like that until I read about it while trying to figure out if we have personality disorders.

Also, if it makes you feel any better... I slept with my baby blanket until I got married!

The fear/shame comes from having poor thinking skills compared to others, and the suggestion that I could have some sort of disability. That I'm bad at dealing with life, maybe even delusional, because of this early gullibility.

Plus I just compare myself a lot. I mean I'm still a bit fantasy-prone today; the need for narrative and "something beyond" reality is a need I've always seemed to have, and too often I wonder if it's a weakness or dysfunction. I mean, I'm hardly some genius fantasy writer!

Edit: I talked to my mom again today (she called me), and she says I probably caught on much earlier, around age 8, even younger. I asked, apparently, and my mom refused to tell me the truth. I was asking, hearing, and putting it together. My mother believes that I simply clung to the belief because I missed my dad. I don't remember it at all, beyond some vague half-memories. I'm still bothered by it, by my weakness and childishness.

My mom babied me in a lot of other ways too, tbh. It annoys me even into adulthood to find out how "behind" I am or how different an upbringing I had. I've had some people call our later relationship emotionally abusive, I think we're just dysfunctional - it's long felt like I was cared for physically but kind of neglected and stunted mentally and emotionally. My mom herself has said I have the emotional maturity of a young teenager as a young adult.

I'm not sure about this frustration being linked to my dad in any way. I never knew this was my mom's motivation until, well, last night.

First, that's awful, what your mom did. I guess I can toss your analysis back at you, she thought she was doing you a service, but you were 12, hardly a little kid. Hell, I got to see my dad's body shortly after he died - we got a phone call in the dead of night saying he passed, and actually drove to the hospital to see him one last time. Plus I had visited him in the hospital several times during the two months he was dying. To just not say anything, at all? That's just cruel.

Magical thinking - I'm a tad prone to that, as well as a sucker for reading about paranormal stuff and conspiracy theories. I may not believe them, but some part of me wishes they were real in some way. Sometimes I might dip a little further, but I learned enough about skepticism from the internet to known to be ashamed of that. Only stupid people believe in unproven, "magical" things. Honestly, my dismissal doesn't even come from any logical rigor but a simple tenet that anything magical or supernormal cannot and does not exist.

Also, I have a Pikachu plush that I've had since I was 5 and took to bed with me until my late teens. Even now in have it, it just lives in a drawer.

No need to be Cynical or ashamed about your past. Yes, your mother is overprotective, But myths is what humans have, and they will always be part of life. Here is a short YouTube video about the Magic in our lives:



The Marvel Of Life.

Apparently I wrote this back in January, and for absolutely no reason it decided to pop back into my thoughts last night. If my mother isn't lying to me and I really did catch on or start doubting around 7 or 8....then why do I remember, vividly, writing a school paper about my persisting belief around age 13, and feeling shame and distress hearing someone talk about how she figured it out at 8 or 9 and was teaching her sibling the truth now - this being either a year before or after the thing I wrote?

I know it's in the past, but it hurts me to know I was so....stupid, in such an obvious way. I still remember that article where the author insists a 10-year-old who still believes has something severely wrong with them, or much talk about older kids believing just to get presents. I recall believing because I didn't know any other way that much stuff could have materialized there all at once. What if there is something wrong with me? Like I was convinced back to belief?

It feels so stupid to be distressed over this, but...I am. Because it apparently is so severely strange. And I don't know how well I can trust memories: I remember the paper, and overhearing things; I don'yet remember my early disbelief (in fact, what I do remember is 'arguing' with some kid who figured it out in first grade). More and more I realize my autobiographical memory is really bad, so who knows what's real?