I Want a Diagnosis, But Fear the Result

People keep telling me I am weird. Some people say it directly (rude), others tell me I'm weird in a good way or not weird, just different and very unique. But most tell me they like that a lot from me. And I admit, all my life I have tried to understand people, the rules and the reason of these rules. And the more I learn, the more I'm conviced that I have a very different way of thinking .I don't always understand jokes and I always take sentences the wrong way. My best friend even tells me: "No, that's not what he meant. In fact, I think only you understood that from what he said." But he admires my different perspective. But I depend a lot on him to explain to me situations or people's intentions in certain ocassions.
In my childhood I was a very obssesive kid. Any tv program, book, comic or movie I enjoyed,I would need figures and books about the topic. I would learn all the names of the characters, locations, tracks of the soundtrack, the number and name of each episode. For example, I know all the numbers and names of 721 Pokemon. I know where all the missiles and energy tanks from most Metroid games are hidden at. I like to remember quotes or cutscenes and say the lines out loud. Sometimes I do this unconsciously. If I like a song, a movie or a video, I will watch it again and again. People hear a song only once even if they really enjoyed it. I can't do that. Also, I always carry something with me. As a kid it would always be a toy, and now it depends of what I'm obssesed with. I carry a different keychain for every obssesion, if it's Zelda, I need a Hylian Shield keychain with me at all time. If I don't have this object with me, I feel strange, unhappy.
I remember I had problems with Church when I was young. I became a member of a church, but I was very obssessed with the rules. I wouldn't watch any movie with violence, I would always consider my actions and what Jesus would do. But if I was in the toilet, thoughts of god started appearing in my head and I wasn't able to control them, so I would punch myself in the head as a punishment if I thought of anything innapropriate. If I was praying I thought of sexual organs while praying and I knew that was bad so I would restart the pray. I was very unhappy in this part of my life so I left the community.
I don't like to be touched, my mother was never able to cuddle or hug me without me making a resistance. When on the truck, I would punch or hit my brothers if they touched me, even if there was few space.
I keep a control over my life through notebooks and that's how manage to stay calm. I have one for each category I consider part of my daily life. For example, I have a notebook for work, another for videogames and to keep a record of what I've played and when. Another for ideas, one for reminders, and one which I can write whatever I please. If I forget or lose a notebook I need like the videogames notebook, I can't play videogames. And this makes me panic, cry if I don't find it or have to wait until Monday because I forgot it at work.
I prefer to do things alone and don't like teamwork. I can only be a certain ammount of time with friends or people because I feel the need to be alone. I don't have a cellphone for that reason and all my friends have to tolerate a lot of rules I have about my life. But they always follow them, even if they complain. I also hate parties, weddings and specially funerals. I try to avoid all these things.
I hate loud noises. A baby crying, motorcycles, screaming or yelling can irritate me. And I have to admit that I can become very aggressive if I get irritated by noises. I take time very seriously. If mom was late to pick me up by 10 minutes, I would prefer to walk home. If she tells me she would go out from 2 - 10 p.m. and was at home at 4 p.m. that would make me very mad. People often tell me the reasons I get mad are stupid and things for which I should get mad, I don't.
I hate sports and I'm asexual (I think). I've never felt interested for guys or for girls. I have tried sex with both but honestly don't care much for any. I'm not a fan of sex. I'm 25 now, everybody keeps telling me to find a girlfriend and my mother worries I won't ever have a couple, but I simply don't have that interest. I've tried relationships before but I find them difficult and stressing. I spend most of my time imagining things. If somebody doesn't keep a conversation with me, I drift off to ideas and thoughts and lose track of my surrounding. I spend hours in my imaginary world, but there are rules too.
My father hates me. We haven't spoken for years, yet we live in the same house. He and I just have very different perspectives. I think he's always been ashamed of me for how I act in public. I used to carry figures and toys as an adolescence or talk about video games or comics and he hated it. Then when he noticed I wasn't getting a girlfriend anytime soon, he started to avoid me.
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I guess those could be considered the symptoms. If anybody is willing to hint out a possibility diagnosis, please just consider the next text separate from your so-far opinion.
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When I was young, one of my aunts told my grandma that I was autistic. She explained to her that that's why I'm always playing by myself and that that's why I'm so different from the others. She used to be the director of her city's Integral Family Development Center. But when my grandma told my mother, my mom and aunt had a big fight and they stopped talking to each other for a couple of months. So my aunt never said anything about that again. Specially because my mom told my aunt that her son wasn't what she would call normal either. Now the whole family avoids the whole autism topic.
I went to a psychologist for a few sessions and she told me she thought I had ADHD. I told my mom but she didn't agree. Then months later when we were in the middle of a discussion, she told me: ADHD, yeah right! And started laughing at me. I still get very mad whenever I think about that. She tells me that she suffered a lot more than I did in her childhood and that she didn't get traumatized that easily. She also says that if I have a mental illness, then we all have one.
I made a friend who's a criminologist with whom I play video games every time he invites me to his house. One day, he told me: "I finally know what you have." "What?" I asked. He responded: "Asperger's Syndrome, have you ever heard of it?" I was trying to explain to him that I didn't agree, but his wife kept saying: Really, investigate about it. People with Asperger's are very intelligent. It's not a bad thing to have it. She even wrote to me a message one day telling me that she always wanted to have an autistic friend and that I should accept it.
I want to get a proper diagnosis and understand whatever I have. To finally know in which way I'm different would make me very happy. I've wished it for years. But I'm afraid that the results could indicate autism and I'm hoping it's something else, yet I've decided I'm going to be completely honest with the symptoms. It's just that the word autism has been following me for so long, I just want to seek different answers. Or maybe I'm in denial. I wouldn't know if to be open with it or keep it a secret from my family if it is autism. I know mom would disagree with me and she would want friends and family to ignore me or avoid feeding that thought.

Hello TwinVergil: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm an older person. But I can relate, in my own life, to quite a bit of what you've written. I think it's great that you've decided to forge ahead with getting help. I spent many years, decades really, battling my personal demons in silence... too embarrassed & confused & too deep in denial to seek help. But, in the end, it all unraveled anyway. So I celebrate your determination to heal.

We do not diagnose on this forum. Best to consult a doctor for that. But then why you need a diagnosis? That just could be a short cut to feel bad about yourself, and feel different from everyone else. No need to do that.

Thanks for the welcome.

Although I think it's everyone's right to decide if they get the diagnosis or not, I don't care much for the diagnosis on paper, but I am seeking answers and explanations. Like I said in the comments: my whole life I've been in denial because that's how my mother sees it. I even have a report card where a teacher wrote to my mom that I needed professional attention. But she ignored this like she always does. And it's affected my life. I am very impulsive, have bad rage management and very obsessive.

It may be a tough answer, but I'll accept whatever the answer is even if I have to keep things a secret to avoid conflicts. Or maybe be open about it and ignore judgement from others. Right know I just want to understand where to start. Should I go with a specialist on Autism or with a normal Psychologist and see where things go from there?

Just see a normal Psychologist, he/she then will refer you to a specialist if they feel one is needed.

A normal psychologist will be able to diagnose autism. And it might give you more credibility with your folks if you went to a regular assessment. That way they could rule out other things, and it wouldn't seem like you were diagnosing yourself.

It took a long time to receive my diagnosis and then several years for me to accept it since then being BP1 has been more balanced. I still have my moments but at least I understand why and try to control it from getting super bad. PC is a great place to share your feelings. Welcome

I am ADD/ADHD and nothing you described above sounds like ADD. However, there are people in my family on the Autism scale (they don't call it Asbergers anymore) including my sister, and what you describe sounds like the people in my family, particularly my sister. And there is nothing at all to be ashamed of.

Being on the autism scale does not necessarily mean you are are "disordered." For many, it's just a type of personality. Yes, the high functioning people on the scale are very intelligent. Silicon Valley is full of people on the autism scale. In fact, one of the big companies (Microsoft? Google? I forget which) has started a program to help teach people on the scale engineering skills, and they are using it as a way to find talent to tap.

If you have HBO, watch the show Silicon Valley because several of the characters on it are on the autism scale, and they approach it with humor--not humor at the expense of the characters because they are some of the best people on the show. If you don't have HBO, the first two seasons are on DVD. It's really a great show, very funny.

If you find yourself somewhere on the scale, try not to feel stigmatized. Personally, if someone told me they are on the Autism scale, my immediate reaction would be "this is someone I'd probably like to get to know."

--Ceara1010

In my case, diagnosis (Bipolar) came as a relief. All my life up to that (45yrs) I felt odd, different, outcast, and alone. All I knew was that I didn't fit in. The day I got my diagnosis I felt a sudden acceptance and sense of belonging. Finally! There was a group of people just like me to which I belonged.

I'm an aspie. We're indeed cool people.

Thank you, I'll start seeing a psychologist again and talk to him about all this. Yeah, I'm starting to accept the possible fact and avoiding to rush things. Like you said, I'll be going constantly so he can have a clear idea of what goes on my mind.

Thanks, whenever I was told somebody had autism, I was always interested in knowing that person better. I honestly don't consider myself sick or in a disorder. I think I'm different from others and like to think or make use of a mind in a different way. I was searching for something knew to watch, but wasn't convinced by any of the current series. But Silicon Valley sounds like it's exactly what I need.

As a teacher, I have four students with autism in my school. Two were diagnosed with Asperger's and yes, they're cool kids.

When I answered the AQ test, I identified with many of the questions. Then I followed a video blog on YouTube about a guy explaining his life with asperger's, he made me feel understood and that I wasn't alone.